Brain Healing review draft

november 10, 2016

I have spent many nights trying to perfect what I would want people to know about how amazing Jack and Kathleen are for the new website. I know this is way too long so I am working on revising it but wanted Jack to read what I would like to say. :) I am continuing to work on it so that it will be shortened.

Chelle

One Would not expect to find a universal solution to encompass many different problems amongst many people, yet I have found that this has been the general consensus with all of the therapists I have sought out. Each time I gained the courage to try again and bear my open wounds to yet another accredited Therapist who specialized in Traumatic Brain injury and PTSD, I was met with the same textbook meet and greet and hasty diagnosis. My problem was not that I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but that I couldn’t find one therapist who was willing to listen to what I was actually asking for. I spent the past 5 years doing my own research and self discovery as I was not complacent to just sit and wait for a perfect stranger to show me a miracle when they couldn’t even show me the respect of simply listening, actually hearing me.

My other concern was that my belief that traditional medications for mental health issues was not for me, not only went unheard but seemed to go against the cookie cutter protocol of treatment plans provided by these therapists. I quickly learned that to advocate for myself and a treatment plan that was psychotropic free, was not an acceptable expectation and was misconstrued as a refusal for care and treatment. It never seemed to matter that it was I who had initiated the services of these therapists, that I was there with the intention that I wanted to help myself with their assistance, I just preferred to accomplish this without being under the influence of pharmaceuticals. I did not need to medicate myself, what I was desperate to do was to HEAL  myself and gain the necessary skills to continue healing long after therapy was finished.

What I used to view as roadblocks and failures each time I quit a therapist, suddenly became stepping stones to the place that I was meant to find and the people meant to help me complete my journey. That place is Brain Healing LLC and those people are the reason that I am still here today, they are why i can finally say with certainty that I am going to be alright. The moment that I walked through Jack & Kathleen Stell's doors, I was immediately struck with the feeling that opening those doors symbolized walking into their open arms and open hearts. It felt like I was finally  “home” and that feeling has never gone away, it is still present every time I walk through the doors of Brain Healing. It became the exact thing I needed in order to be just brave enough to take the next step to finding wellness and hope once again. Something I was not aware I was lacking from my previous therapists, but now it makes so much sense to me. It explains why I remained guarded up until that point, why I never truly bared the rawness of my pain and fears even though I desired to be that vulnerable and open to being redefined in who I was.

Jack’s first and foremost plan of action is to make sure that you are always 110%....SAFE, both physically and psychologically. This is not negotiable for any reason and remains the most important aspect of the client/patient relationship that Jack works so  hard to develop with each individual he sees. Trust is earned through patience and at the pace you define, and he is as committed as you are in finding the right treatment plan. Every possibility and idea is openly shared by Jack so that you are as much a part of the process as you choose to be. This ensures that while I am in a session with Jack, 100% of my attention and focus will be on the work we are doing and the outcome I am working towards.  It is comforting  to know that Jack himself, has done this same work as what he teaches and you wouldn’t know that a man with his demeanor, empathy and sincerity is also a Combat Naval Veteran who suffers from TBI and PTSD. He truly is your equal and is personally invested in each client successful journey to wellness. Jack’s methods are highly  complimented when paired with Neurofeedback, which is facilitated by his partner and amazing wife, Kathleen. She is the absolute Wizard of Neurofeedback,  being considerate and patient enough to allow a client the opportunity to not only experience Neurofeedback but somewhat become an expert if they so choose. She openly educates you on the process and protocols of each session and takes the time to go through each brain scan, showing you the comparisons between where your brain was when you started Neurofeedback, and how much your brain has changed through each scan.

Jack & Kathleen are both personally and professionally an open book, inviting you to be as involved in your treatment plans as you would like to be. Every question asked of them is not only answered but often accompanied by hard evidence of why they came to that answer so that it makes sense to you. They have spared no expense to ensure they are providing their clients with the highest quality of Neurofeedback equipment and software, which solidifies the essence of “only the best for the best”  for all of their clients. One of the most unexpected benefits of being a client of theirs is that you will undoubtedly become another member of their “family”,  which also consists of Freja, Jack’s German Shepherd Service Dog and Charlie, the vanguard representative and welcoming committee to all who come through the doors.  Both equally as vital to the Company, they complete what makes Brain Healing an Agency that is as whole and cohesive as you can get with a staff consisting of more than one person. They are a perfect example of what is possible when you are paired with some of the most amazing and inspiring individuals.

While Brain Healing may not be a perfect fit for everyone and/or every situation they were, are and always will be a perfect fit for me and my journey to finding myself again. It is hard to imagine that had I not found Brain Healing I wouldn’t be writing these words,  I would have succumbed to the depression and hopelessness and taken my own life. For some that level of realization will be harsh, but it was my reality, is it a reality of yours? Have you sunk to this level of realization and given up on finding a reason to try one more time? If you have, I urge you to be just brave enough and see if Brain Healing can hel you find your way too. It was my greatest moment of clarity when I took that last chance for myself and I am so grateful to be a part of the family that Brain Healing is. I owe a great debt of gratitude to both Jack and & Kathleen for tirelessly giving of themselves, their knowledge and their time so that others have an opportunity to create a beautiful existence from tragedy and despair.  For the first time in my life I finally have a firm grip on who I am and where I want to go and each day I feel stronger than the one before because I am able to utilize the tools Jack has taught me to become present to my own life. I could go on forever listing the miracles they work in people's lives, but the true impact of what Jack and Kathleen are doing for others can only be felt and not told of. You have nothing to lose by reaching out to them and everything to gain if you do, I know you can be just brave enough this one last time. :)

I am the Storm

October 24, 2016

All this time I have been waiting for the calm before the storm, until tonight when I realized I AM THE STORM.  This was not a thought I had ever considered before now, a storm that I have been waiting for was brewing inside of me all this time. It showed its presence this evening, caught my attention and then some, leaving me to sort out the aftermath on my own. A sinking feeling hung in my heart all day today, a nagging worry that could not be explained by any rational idea that entered my mind. A fearsome tag along more than my usual uneasiness, it piggy backed my anxiety just waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it powerful destruction inside of me, letting me know that it and only it would have control of everything for the few moments that seemed like an eternity from beginning to end. 

There is no ideal place for one to experience this storm, it wouldn't matter where you were or what you were doing when it let go, there is nothing to prepare you for the undertaking of your self when the cyclone starts spinning. Least desirable place might be behind the wheel of your car traveling 70mph down the highway as darkness had just settled in over the sky. My fears had become so intense that I made it a point to call Jim as I was getting on the freeway, I was scared but didn't know of what, and I felt impending doom in my chest that I could not shake. He tried to comfort me, told me to turn around and come home so that he could drive me to go get Jacob in Post Falls, reminded me over and over that I was ok and that it was nothing, that everything would be ok. I wanted to believe him I truly did, but it appeared that this was what would fuel the storm into unleashing on me. 

Without warning it felt as if a lightning bolt had pierced the skin on my right side just above the waist, sending a searing jolt of electricity into my torso, lungs and heart. The electrictiy it conducted sent the most intense heat I have ever felt, pulsing through my every fiber and cell. My vision began to close in on me and I realized that I was moments away from passing out while I was still traveling at 70 mph. I screamed to Jim that I was dying, or having a stroke, heart attack, blood clot something, everything was so wrong. I barely had enough time to tell him where I was and safely pull off to the median before blacking out. It was everything I had in me to ride that storm long enough to call 911 for help and wait for it to arrive. My eyes were tingling like they had been asleep, pins and needles traveled througout my face into my neck and the rest of my trembling & shaking body. It felt like electricity was flowing through my veins, fingertips experiencing sharp, stabbing pulses of the energy. all that I could think was that I was going to die just like that, in my car, on the side of the freeway at the Barker road exit. 

Sweat began to pour off of my head and face, dripping down onto my lap like a faucet had been turned on above my head. Heart racing, my staggering mind frantically searching for the fire that was burning inside my body, cooking me from the inside out. My life was flashing before my very eyes, to my boy waiting for me to arrive only I might not be there to pick him up and how would he know that I didn't mean to abandon him that way? To my love and my life with Jim, how short lived and unfair it would be if I had to leave now after we were still falling in love with one another. I wished myself to just hang on for a little bit longer, telling my daddy that I wasn't ready to go with him just yuet and to please do something to stall the maker if he was in fact, there to take me beyond this life into the next. Terrified, I knew of only one thing I could do that would calm me down within seconds, something that would bring me back to reality and clear my mind of the fears and irrational circles it was spinning itself into. Something I generally don not do in the presence of others, but tonight I would have done it in from of the entire world I needed it so badly.  I began square breathing, and I didn't stop until the firemen and emts arrived. 

Only 15 short minutes had elapsed from the time I screamed to Jim on the phone that I was dying to the moment those lights and bells were sitting behind me but those 15 minutes felt like 15 years or more. Had i not been doing square breathing there is no way I would have been capable of walking myself up into the ambulance, and there is no way possible that my heart rate would be below 100, my blood pressure 128/96 and my oxygen at 100% after the state of panic I had just gone through. While the emt;s were telling me that everything was fine and it appeared to be a serious panic attack, I heard a soft knock on the window of the ambulance, and I didn't have to open my eyes to know who was standing there asking to be let in, it was Jim. His eyes had worry all over them, he looked afraid, scared, lost but we were together so we were going to be ok. 

And here I am, 3 hours after the worst panic attack of my life sitting here blogging about it and sharing that there was only one thing that saved me tonight......Jacks most valuable tool in my arsenal, SQUARE BREATHING. Just one more validation that something so silly can be so incredibly priceless to know and utilize. Thank you Jack for teaching me your ridiculous technique so that I could will myself back to reality and safely out of what I thought was the end of my life. I'll high five you tomorrow when I see you :) and no, not high five like my family comin at you just a high five for a job well done in teaching this student your best idea ever. )

My Metamorphosis pt1

October 15, 2016

I now know what it is to experience touch without feeling, scream without a sound, insanity without a mind. I reside within a borrowed shell, it has become crowded but only one of us in here is aware of the space that is no longer fitting for two. I am the constant chatter that is my inner voice, but lack control of it, unable to stop long enough to hear nothing. I have been wearing "me" like a second skin, unknowing and  unaware that I am capable of shedding "me" much like a snake sheds its skin. But I am nearing a pivotal moment where a complete transformation is no longer a choice or desire , but one that is expected and inevitable as my capacity for spiritual and psychological growth are exceeded. 

To be acutely aware, even if only for a micro second, that the person you once were is no longer is both a painful and sobering realization. Did I even exist before now? Was I really alive or have I died and been reborn? I cannot give a definite answer because I only know what is now, this person that I am. Remembering who I used to be is difficult, things I once enjoyed, the way that I was as a person, I want to recall who I was but then again I don't.  If I choose to remember then I am accepting of there being a comparison of myself between then and now, it feels like disappointment to me, makes me envious and angry of all that I can no longer be. What and who do I want to choose to be now? So many things I desire, certain qualities and characteristics that I am unsure of how to manifest within myself. For now I know what I am not and this is all I have to work with in moving forward, trying to put what is gone behind me and forgive myself of the negative and persistent thoughts and doubts so that I have a chance to become someone better. 

Of all the things I despise about people somehow I have become a person who is not what I portrayed myself to be. Before this moment I had convinced myself that I was pure at heart, honest, loving, forgiving, mindful of my actions and behaviors so as not to hurt those in my life. But I am realizing that i am none of these things at all, I could never be these things if I have been living as a person who is not connected to myself or the world around me. Every day has been a lie, I made myself and others think that I was strong and that i was ok when that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have self hated, self destructed, been my biggest and worst abuser and ultimately been my own demise. I can see this now, my eyes are opening to see what I have done and it hurts so much more than I ever imagined a soul could hurt. I do not know how to climb out of the grave I have dug for  myself, but I either have to find a way out of it or lay down and die. 

How do I become someone I can be proud of again? A woman who can look at herself in the mirror and know who is staring back at her, oen who loves who she is and approves of the way she is. I want to awake without fear or blackness swimming inside of me, I want to experience feeling nothing in both body and mind, without worry or doubts and I want to feel what it is to have life inside of my soul once again. To be content with who and where I am, to appreciate the beauty that is all around me no matter where I am because there is nothing but love, this is the gift that my Jim has given to me every moment, every day. that  I am blessed with his love. 

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October 17, 2016 

Before I can open my eyes to the sun, my mind is flooded with all of the new feelings I am experiencing. Only on the inside never physically yet, when I touch my skin I cannot feel it. I watch my hands and fingers trace over my skin but it is so numb and I hate this feeling. Something is shifting within me, that I am certain of and my mind is trying to process what exactly it is that is changing. I am disconnected but somehow, in my mind, I have become connected in a way to the subtle things that I would never see before. An outsider on the inside that is a fitting analogy to what I am feeling lately, occupying one small space in my own mind but the other part of me does not realize I exist, like watching your own body from above, you know it is happening but you can't feel anything. 

I am essentially, a stranger inside myself treading softly in my new environment, afraid of the unknown. Nothing has prepared me for this astronomical change within me, there is no text book to read from to direct me on what to do with this newfound me. No teacher for guidance, no peers to relate too and follow from, I am on my own in this part of my journey free to explore who I am and free to decide where I go from here
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October 20, 2016

Each day that passes I am feeling better about my future, better about being hopeful that something has shifted for the better and that I am on my way to having a life that I held little hope of having before my journey with Brain Healing. . Each morning I spend a few minutes looking at myself in the mirror, really looking at who I am and who I see. I stare at myself in the eyes and try to become familiar with the person staring back. It is not easy, it is still incredibly difficult to realize that I don't know this person yet, that I don't know her qualities and her traits, her dreams and aspirations but I finally want to know her and all of these things about her. I will post more about this later. 

Forgiveness

October 2, 2016

The two year anniversary of daddy's death is just 3 short days away and has me more emotional than ever. I miss him everyday and think of him at least a dozen times throughout always wishing that he was still here to experience his grandchildren and family. It makes me think about death, and life and I have grown so much since he has been gone. I realize now that there are more certainties we as people will share with one another than we know. These are the certainties I now recognize as being shared by all who are born....it fascinated me to have this insight and I wanted to share. 

- We are all brought into the world with the help of others, nobody can ever do life on their own no matter how alone you think you are.

- We all learn everything we know from something or somebody so look at each as an opportunity to gain knowledge everywhere you go and everyone you meet. Never stop learning

- We will all be hurt, and we will all be the one that does the hurting at some point. There is no way to avoid this so we need to realize that when we are the ones being hurt, 

 - We will all feel at least once in our lifetime, that we are not good enough. Be the one that tells yourself that you are, don't wait for others to validate you why wait when you can easily tell yourself "hey, I am good enough" 

- We will all experience fear in one form or another and will know what it feels like to be comforted when we are afraid. Be the one who comforts someone else who is in fear, remember what it felt like for you when nobody was there and fill that void if you can

 - We all want to feel love and acceptance, even the hardest of hearts will have felt this at one time. Be loving  and compassionate towards others, we don't have to know people to know that we love all who exist. Putting it out there will have affect enough, try it.  

-We will all lie at least once in our lives, some may mean too others may not but we all will do it. Remember why you did the next time someone lies to you, it is usually out of fear that we lie. We fear being caught, being judged, being punished.  

Everything I think about comes back to one principal, one simple thing that when given frees you and frees the other person, when not given can create a lifetime of anger and pain, taking up precious time and space in your heart. That one thing is FORGIVENESS, all of these reasons can be opportunities to live a better, more free existence allowing your heart to be open to love rather than hate. Forgive those who:

- Act above you

- Abandon you

- Hurt you

- Ignore you

- Hate you

- Mock you

- Tear you down

- Put you down

- Fail you

- Leave you behind

- Step on you

- Keep you down

- Deceive you 

- Lie to you

- Take from you

- Disappoint you

- Anger you

I choose to forgive the woman who took my dad's life, I have to because if I don't then until I die I will carry hate and anger in my heart and that will leave no room for the beautiful things life still has in store for me. I don't want to waste that precious space in my heart on her, she has already taken an important part of me why would I want to give her the rest of me? I don't so because of this, I forgive you Veronika for taking my father;s  life, for stealing away a little girls dad and friend. I forgive you and I let go of all the anger and hate in my heart for you and what you have done. I forgive you. 

 

 

 

 

 - 

What I want you to know

Written September 8, 2016

What I intended to post on my facebook notes but decided not too yet.

Today is the day that I share my deepest, darkest demons, stripping myself of what little dignity I have left by baring my broken and fragmented self so that people in my life can know that I am not the person they judge me to be, to give them the answers that will hopefully set everything straight in a way that makes sense for them about who they have thought me out to be. There have been several reasons why I chose not to share my issues with anyone, I don't want people's pity or guilt, I don't want to feel more shame than I already do about why I am in the situation I am in, and I don't want or need to hear opinions about what I should or shouldn't' have done to not be in this situation because nothing can change what has already been and I am focused on moving forward and finding a way to be me again.

There is no easy or graceful way to explain the injuries that I incurred which are the direct cause of my illness now. I don't know the exact number of traumatic brain injuries I have suffered at the hands of someone I loved and cared for, but I know that it was enough to alter my life forever and it was enough to destroy my brain and the functions that are imperative to living a "normal" and productive life. The simplest way to help you understand what I am going through is to tell you to watch the movie "Concussion" as it sheds light on an issue that most would like to ignore or deny is becoming an epidemic among football players. What you may not know is that women who are subjected to domestic violence and abuse fall into the same category, but we seldom hear of anyone other than  Football players and Boxers as being affected by  repeated blows to the head and the devastating long term effects. The damages to the brain tissue are irreversible and a death sentence for most who suffer from CTE regardless of the efforts made to reverse the damages. For most football players the answer was not uncovered until after death when their brains were autopsied and showed astounding similarities to a brain of an old person who had dementia. The brain had deteriorated and the areas that had been hit were shrunken and full of holes, death of one's brain while they were still living and it was the answer that explained and made sense of the bizarre and unusual behaviors and traits of someone suffering from this type of traumatic brain injury.

While each person's response to injury is different, the symptoms are almost identical across the board as each section of our brains is responsible for the same functions in everyone. My worst injuries occurred to my Right Temporal and frontal lobes though I also have what is known as Coup Contrecoup, damage to the opposite side where the blow occurred essentially killing two birds with one stone. I suffer from Temporal Lobe seizures which manifest in the Temporal lobe of the brain and migrate to other areas, causing symptoms that differ from epileptic or grand mal seizures. I refer to mine as "Episodes" and one can last anywhere from a few minutes up to my longest one of 5 days. I have no memory of them after they have occurred but can always tell when one is coming on as they have always begun exactly the same. My speech becomes slurred and slow, I become confused and will speak the wrong words in the wrong context and when I start to stutter, that is when the physical symptoms kick in. It feels like I was hit between the eyes with a baseball bat, my eyes water and I cannot keep them open, they generally droop as do my facial muscles and expressions. My entire body will become rigid and my muscles will contract, leaving my hands clenched until my nails cut into the palms of my hands with no chance of relaxing until the episode is over. The reason I know that this is the process I go through every time is because Jim was smart enough to start video recording them in the hopes of showing it to my Dr.'s and finding out what was wrong with me. The only way that I am validated on my own is when I wake up and my arms, hands and stomach muscles feel like I did a 24 hour non stop workout.

Many things can trigger an episode for me but stress is the number one way to get there every time for me. The episodes are considered Somatic which means they're a physical manifestation of a psychological and emotional trauma in which there is an overload to your brain and it has no other way to release the energy the traumas have created.  My brain is stuck in hypervigilant mode which means that my fight or flight response was bypassed too many times so my brain remains in fight mode at all times. This makes me on edge 24 hours a day 7 days a week, it is why I seem rushed or why some people say I am intense or too serious. These are all coping mechanisms and learned behavior, both of which are not easily remedied and are a continuous work in progress for me.

I am learning to roll with the changes that keep coming for me but I have yet to understand any one of them enough to make sense of things on my own without worrying about what my friends think about me. I cry on a daily basis mostly for no reason that I can put into words, but because of the feeling that lives inside me that makes me angry and pissed off that this is what is happening to my life. If I leave my house I can guarantee that at least once while I am out that I will get confused and have to pull over to figure out where I am and where I need to go. I get turned around very easily even though I am traveling on roads I have driven for years, it doesn't seem to matter at all that I should be familiar because sometimes I am not. There are times when I panic because my mind starts firing off questions like, am I driving on the right side of the road? Am I supposed to stop at a red light or do I go? What if I turn the wrong way into traffic or forget which one is the brake and which one is the gas pedal? And yes, I even get lost finding my way to my own home it happens all the time which is ridiculous but just another part of my day.   I struggle with the fact that I no longer recognize the person looking at me in the mirror and I am unsure of how to be around friends where I don't feel like they are looking at me like I am on drugs or just plain crazy because I am not behaving in a way that is acceptable or understood. I could not list all of the little things that go on in my day that are not "normal" for anyone else but these are some things that are a constant for me right now  

Memory loss and forgetfulness, problems with special recognition in both time and distance, poor impulse controls, difficulty in problem solving, inability to plan and initiate simple tasks, unable to organize things, misinterpretation of words and meanings, easily confused for no reason, "freezing in time" moments where I stop and cannot speak or move, difficulty concentrating on one thing, forgetting that I have left the water running or the fridge open, putting objects in the wrong places like milk in the cupboards or cigarettes in the bathtub, constant numbness of my body, I dissociate most of the time which makes me unaware of where i am or that time is moving, I forget names and words and recently am unable to recognize people's faces that I know, my vision is always blurry and my colors appear different than before (white looks bright yellow now and lights look indigo blue with rainbow halos around them) i forget to check my phone sometimes all day then forget that i need to call people back or check my voicemail for days at a time, i constantly feel as if I am not real or alive and that i do not exist.  

In short I wanted you to know that I don't choose to be this way, I don't think anyone would choose this. I have become isolated from people I love because in their eyes I have become this ditzy, spacey, unreliable, unreachable flighty person who is uncaring or too busy to do things with friends. This couldn't be farther from the truth, these are things I literally have no control over as they are coping methods that my brain has become accustomed too after so much trauma. It has been far easier for me to remain quiet and suffer this battle with Jim and Jacob in private and leave everyone else out of the know because truthfully, I don't have the energy or the answers to help anyone begin to understand just how much my life has changed because of traumatic brain injury. If you are a part of my life, or used to be I would want you to know that it was never my intention to become this type of friend or person, it is the farthest place from who and where I want to be and for those who knew a little about what was going on with me I can understand if you gave up on me as a person and it is ok. I can barely deal with these things and I live it everyday, I am not sure how to make anyone else comprehend the fact that my kind of illness and struggle cannot be seen by you, it is not out on public display for anyone which makes it very challenging to face those who may think I am just fine because I am not and have not been for the past 5 years. So when I have had to break plans or I don't show up when I said that I would 99% of the time it is because I was going to have an episode, one had just started, or I was at  the tail end of one and I am pretty much useless once one begins.

I want you to know that it hasn't been anything personal if you have been let down by me, once an episode begins I lose the ability to speak, comprehend words, I cannot control my muscles, I am not even cognisant that I am having one, It is like my brain pushes me out and only lets me back in when it is through wreaking havoc on me. I would choose to be with those that I love and having fun over being sick and having seizures any day of the week but I know that for you, it doesn't seem that way at all. I haven't' made excuses or reasons why I don't want to go do things or hang out I just lack the ability to manage social anxiety on a level that I have never experienced before and this can too, throw me into an episode.  If I am lucky, Jim is home with me when one starts and I make it through without hurting myself. If he isn't' then it is a good possibility that I will awake on the bathroom floor sporting a black eye after having knocked myself out on the counter, or worse that I will wake up at 4am in my car with the keys in the ignition,seat belt on and parked on the side of the road in a place I had no recollection of even driving too. That is scary for me and for anyone out there while that is happening so I try to drive as little as possible on my own.

I apologize for how lengthy this has been, but I felt that I needed to just rip the bandaid off that has been holding in my wounds so that there can be an understanding that there is a reason why I have become this person. It is lonely as hell fighting this battle and without Jim and Jacob I don't know what I would do or where I would be it gets so depressing. I know that I am not the same person anymore, that I have changed a great deal, and I am aware of the fact that because i don't physically show my illness, some people don't think that anything is wrong with me and that I am just that ditzy, unreliable and scattered person on my own accord. I told my son that it would be like taking two oranges and kicking one of them around for awhile. Compare them next to one another and although they will look identical on the outside one of them will not be when you cut them open. I t will be damaged from being tossed around, bruised and mushy. This is my brain and to not have others understand this will only isolate me further than I already am and is not what I want. I feel incredibly exposed and vulnerable after writing all of this for everyone to see but after losing one of my best friends compassion and friendship this week because of my issues, it was more than I could handle and I was tired of feeling the way I felt. I would give anything to be me again, to feel and be intelligent and not struggle so much with all of these things, but mostly I would give anything for others to not look at me or talk about me the way they do and to have you understand that I am in the fight of my life right now and am doing everything I can to help myself. If you want to be here as a support on my journey I am grateful, If you choose not to be my friend through it thank you as well for being here while you could be and I am sorry if I have let you down.

I want to tell Jim and Jacob how sorry I am that this has become their life because they choose to love me and support me. I know it cannot be easy to be with me and be forced to fight this battle too even when you don't want too. I am so sorry that your lives are affected by this and that it takes away time and energy from the things you both want for yourselves. I am grateful and fortunate that you are here to help me, thank you for trying to help me keep my dignity and my sanity while you both have given up pieces of your own. You make my struggle one that I don't have to fight alone and while you may not understand what makes me this way, you always try and you make sure that I am ok as I can be when I get lost and scared. Thank you both for all that you do and for loving me, but most of all for not leaving me to fight this alone because without you I would not be capable of getting through one more day. I love you both so much, and I am sorry that your lives have not been your own.  

3...2...1....

September 27, 2016

Today was the day I had hoped would never come, for myself and for Jim and Jacob. Today changes everything about where I go from here and who I become, I'm not even sure that is a possibility for me anymore. I finally reached the breaking point, everything up until now seems like a fairytale compared to today which is beyond scary to think about. Until now I have managed to exist and found a way to hang on when I was ready to let go a long time ago. The pinnacle of existence for me was being a mother to my child that dreamt of giving my son a better life than what most have or know. I desired to be the kind of mom who was trusted and confided in, a mom who could relate to her child and who could have a close relationship with and who could feel confident that I had the ability to protect my son from the cruelties of the world. I did not imagine that I would find myself in Jack's office, on the floor unable to be present to the trauma or the pain that was igniting every inch of my insides. Clutching onto Mr. Elephant rocking myself back and forth to try and sooth the chaos that I was fighting against, Today was the closest I have ever been to begging to be medicated to make the pain go away, to give me anything at all that would silence the war in my mind and tend to the wounds left upon my soul that will surely never heal.

Instead of being a strong and proud mother to my son I have become everything that I feared I would be, nothing in the eyes of my child. How this evolved I cannot explain, even if it felt real to me I would find it difficult to put into words what caused this effect, nor could I paint you a picture clear enough to depict the demolition that is happening to me as I  write this. My head feels as if it is in a paint shaker, violently whipping from side to side in all directions, my eyes are quivering with nervous ticks, making my already blurred vision even worse. I can taste bile in the back of my throat, why can't I vomit out the pain? For the next 4 hours I will end up searching for my child who is out on the streets cursing my name and my existence. I watch in sadness as he plasters his hate all over face book for his psycho mother, calling me a piece of shit, a bitch, and the most hurtful of all he calls me crazy and keeps laughing at me. I want to know what I have done in my life to deserve what I have been dealt? The person I helped to create, the little boy that stole my heart and the young man who used to call me his best friend is now my enemy and I am losing this battle. I speak to my mother and sister, both of whom surprisingly, are supportive of me and are encouraging and loving as I fight with myself to do the right thing for him and I both.

His Diversion officer Annette, keeps in contact with me even through her meetings she takes my calls and tries to keep it positive. I tell her I am considering checking into the hospital for psychiatric care and am unsure of what to do as far as where Jacob will stay as I do not want him staying where he has been the last few days with his friend Isaac. She tells me I only have one choice and that she will try to help facilitate the arrangement for him. She calls me back after a while and tells me that she has had Officers dispatched to go pick Jacob up and take him into custody to temporarily place him into Child Services .care. A temporary foster home for him to stay at until I can figure out what is the best course of action for us both. I call my mother and I break down again, feeling like the lowest mother on earth for having to do this to my own child but I cannot survive with him in my home for much longer. Unlike my experience with my own mother who usually berates me and puts me down as she reminds me how incompetent I am she speaks softly to me, telling me how much she loves me and that it is going to be ok. That she is here for me and that she won't leave me alone in this decision if I need her strength she is there to help me. She asks me if I would consider allowing her to take Jacob temporarily until I figure things out, she says that she knows Jacob needs help and that she sess the abuse he puts me through and she wants to help us both. I feel like this might be the better option for now as it puts me at ease somewhat, so I agree to let her take  him temporarily until I can figure out what to do.

Several calls were placed to Jacob's father, all with no success in reaching him. He texts me back a message after a few hours telling me he won't take Jacob and that I need to figure it out on my own. I didn't expect him to be cooperative but when he denied his son and me any help my anger grew into rage and I knew then that this was the biggest reason for my sons issues and that he would never allow Jacob closure or peace of mind in their relationship if he was willing to stonewall me at a time like this when his son needed him the most. It broke my heart for Jacob, he deserved better than this piece of shit as his father and I could never give it to him. The police finally find Jacob around 8pm at a friends house in Hayden Idaho where him and Isaac had walked to from Post Falls. I am on the phone with my sister when they arrive with Jacob in tow and I listen as it plays out. I tell my sister to ask Jacob for his phone while the Police are still there so that there won't be any problems. She does so and in return gets an argumentative teenager who challenges her request. He finally gives in as he slaps the phone down into her  hand screaming "I fucking hate your guts" to her as he storms into the house. The Officer gets on the phone with me and I tell him I have changed my mind about him staying with my mother, I want him to realize that what he is doing is unacceptable and that I am at my wits end on what to do for him. The officer asks me how long this has been going on and I explain it has been most all of this year and that I am considering Psychiatric admittance to the  hospital because I can no longer handle the battle with my son. The officer gets angry and tells me that he will take care of it and have a talk with Jacob,     

I hear him call for Jacob to come outside and then I hear the officer asked Jacob "what the fuck is your problem kid?' He continues to yell at him, telling him he cannot believe that Jacob would give such an attitude to my sister and myself in front of the Officers and that he has no right until he is 18 to behave this way. At the end of the confrontation Jacob, myself and my sister are all a wreck in tears and fearful of his future. The officer tells him that he has been wasting precious time and taking it away from other emergencies by making them come find him instead of doing what he has been told to do by his mother. He is told that is they get one more call about him he will sit in Idaho jail indefinitely and can find out what it's like to have nobody. I never speak to Jacob after all of this, I don't want to because I know what it will be like, the tears, the apologies the request to come back home to be with me. So I tell my sister that I have to leave as I am going to the hospital to check myself in for care. I don't know why I lied to her because I knew at that point I really just wanted to stay home with Jim. But I said it, and I won't tell her any differently either. She brought Jacob home to get his things as I stayed in the garage so they didn';t see me. For now, they think I am in the hospital and unreachable and I am ok with this. I spend the night crying until I pass out exhausted and ready to give up this fight.                                                                                                                                                                                            

I cannot write any more for now, I am spent emotionally and feeling even worse after waking up this morning. I am numb with pain and still feeling like it might be best to go check myself in. I am terrified of this feeling inside me as it is one I am not familiar with up until now, and that means that I have no idea on how to proceed or try to start healing from this devastation and destruction. I had no idea that someone already broken and fighting for their life could be subjected to an even harsher and more destitute state of being but here I am.

Selfish

September 21, 2016

Been a pretty rough few days for me, not sure why or what the trigger was but I am definetely not being present to my life. I had neuro with Kelly today (really love that lady!) because J & K are in Florida for the week. Usually, I am able to pull it together long enough to have to be around other people when I am in a funk or dissociating but today I could not. I have been feeling very strange, not real, living in a dream like state. I am in a mind fog and not sure of what around me is reality and what is not. I know that everything is supposed to be real, but I dont feel like it is so it really does a number on my mind.

Today has felt all wrong and getting worse. Numbness is an understatement and everything around me is slowly blurring into the background except my odd thoughts that won't stop no matter what I do. I feel very disconnected and unsure of myself and nothing in my head seems to be correct or real. I feel as if my soul is going to tear through my skin or that it will just explode any moment from the pressure it is under from being forced to pretend. My body is not mine, I do not recognize it in any way and feel like I am just a visitor on the inside and will be leaving at amy moment. Time has no value and does not move the way time is supposed to be moving. I am stuck on one day, one moment one dream, I want to scream today so loudly. I keep hearing music everywhere I am, even when it is quiet I can hear it playing like it is a secondary sound, constant and just outside my reach what is this? I hear it in every thought and while music soothes me this music is pissing me off because I cannot place it.

_________________________________________________________________________________

9/25/2016

I had hoped that my week would find a way to smooth itself out, ease up on me as I was already at a breaking point, but I am not that fortunate. I don't understand how life can continue to beat me down when I am already as low as I have ever been? It makes me feel like I am not supposed to be here, that I will never succeed at feeling or being any better in this lifetime. Just when I thinnk I cannot feel any worse life laughs at me and gives me an extra helping of shit on a stick just for good measure. I dont even know where to begin in unloading the garbage that this week has given me so I will just write whatever comes to mind.

Thursday after treatment I had gotten home and locked myself in my bathroom, not wanting to speak to or see anyone because I was not feeling like I could. I was texting with Jacob as he was checking in with me to let me know he was at a friends house when I get this barrage of text messages from my best friend. Even still when I think about the horrible, nasty and cruel things she said to me it makes me cry and feel sick to my stomach. She had apparently replied to a post Jacob had put on his facebook, and her exact words were "Grow the fuck up and get off your pity party you need to deal with life and quit acting like a child". What did he post that would warrant something so explosive from an adult? He posted a picture that said, "God please help keep me strong enough to be away from the toxic people in my life" Yes, that was all he posted and she went crazy on him. He defended himself and rightfully so, telling her he thought is was rude of her to say that to him and he didn't appreciate it. She kept on, so he kept on and by the end of it she was messaging me to tell me that we were no longer friends.

Long story short, she told me I was selfish and inconsiderate because I didn't make enough time for her and when she came by a few weeks ago and I didn't answer the door ( I never knew she came by until a few days later) and that I allowed my son to speak to her the way he did after she made the statement she made to him. I tried to explain to her several things, mostly about what is going on with me and how it affects my ability to be social among other things. What does she fire back? That I am not a friend because friends make time not excuses and I am not as bad as I say I am because she sees none of what I tell her goes on. I am just trying to get attention and I am a selfish person who cares only about myself because I repolied to her with statements that were all about me, "I, me, myself me me me. I wanted to choke the words right out of her mouth! How can someone say such hurtful and cruel things to someone who is supposed to be a friend? What about a person who is a human being and struggling with health issues that nobody else cane see? That makes me selfish and a liar? I am beyond disgusted to say the least and there is no making things right with someone who holds that kind of opinion of someone who suffers from TBI and PTSD it will take more energy for me to fix this than it will to grieve the loss of my friend and try  to move forward not understanding why she refuses to be compassionate towards my situation.

She deleted me on facebook then proceeded to post quotes about me and the kind of friend I am and how me isolating myself from others did her a favor because it was like the trash taking itself out. I am beyond angry and hurt and fucking frustrated that someone would make me feel this way and I dont' have the chance to justify or correct anything she believes which makes it even worse for me. I want to be vindictive towards her and make her look bad, but I wont because it wont' matter and it wont make me feel any bettter. I dont get how she could be that hurtful over things I cannot help, I told her it was liek being angry at someone for not having hair because they were going through chemo. As of right now I hate the people who choose not to understand or be a friend enmogh to be patient with me.or try to understand. I feel completely alone in my life and it is the most lonliest I think I have ever been. I don't want to exist like this, this is not a life I cannot cope this way, I won't settle for this, I don't have to and I don't want too. I want to be treated like a human being, I am not selfish and I am not a liar, I am a person who has suffered an immense amount of trauma which has resulted in my impairments and inabilities, and I a person who is trying her hardest to cope with it,but people like her make it impossible.

9/23/2016

I am unraveling and coming apart, I am so afraid that I won't be able to stop it once it lets loose. I am terrified that I am not coping well, that I CAN'T cope better than what I am doing right now. My son hates me, curses at me, fights with me until I have an episode. Then its "I love you" and like nothing happened. It is too much for my fragile heart to take, it reminds me so much of Jake it scares me. I get treated like shit with no explanation, I get talked down  too, I get disrespected and ignored when asking to do something around the house. He said today he really needs help, he doesn't understand what is wrong with him. I don't either but i know I won;t make is like this much further I am full of anxiety to the point my chest has been hurting the last two days. and in my head I am wishing it would just happen so I could leave this feeling. I want to give up right now, I cant fix me and fend off my angry child.

Dying

Twisted insides, will they ever begin to unravel? Entangling me, they are slowly strangling me Sucking the life and breath right out of me, the air I used to know has been both used & abused Anger & rage reside in its place, the only element of my existence at times

Darkness surrounds my curled up and & frigid body, floating in a pool of icy waters the light that used to be has gone out. Eyes closed tightly, yet I still see the danger all around me waiting to engulfs me, to digest me.
Predators hang not far from me, anticipating the taste of my failures & my fate.Silent yet screaming, my ears are filled with sirens of my dying self as I wait for death to ease my pain. Forgotten in the depths that are taking me lower, no anchor, no rope, no rescue just forgotten I am. Bleeding not blood but my soul as the waters blacken around me, shedding the remnants of my spirit, leaving only the salt of my dried up tears.I think this is what dying is, what dying feels like, a pain so deep and searing your flesh cannot feel. This is not what is alive, I am disappearing, I am dead.

Teeter Totter

September 1 2016

Jack asked me the other day, where I saw myself as far as making progress this past year. This is something that I have often thought about, where am I from where I was? The best way to explain where I am is to say that I am like a teeter-totter, up and down back and forth that is where I see myself right now. Do I believe that I am better than where I started? Yes Do I think I am where I want to be? No, hell no. I know that the days are going to be up and down and that there will never be only up days, I accept that. But when the bad days come (like right now) I hate them and it would be so easy to let myself dissociate and go away, I really want too but I don't. I don't even know what keeps me from slipping all the way back again because sometimes I really want too. I don't want to feel what I feel, I don't want to be aware of what is happening because then I am choosing to deal with all the pain I have locked away for so long. 

Right now, I want to jump off the teeter-totter and go crazy inside myself. I want to scream and break everything that is in my way and I want to destroy any life that I see. I want to be alone, I want to hide or die I don't know which, either one would be better than right now. I hate myself right now, I hate my life right now, I hate everything right now. I just do and I want to throw my fit and act like a child right now because that is what I want. I am angry and disgusted at the things and people in my life who stole from me, stole my light and my soul. Why can't I just be angry like this and fucking lose it? I don't want to try anymore and work as hard as I do to get better I fucking don't want to work that hard anymore!! It is tiring and it hurts so much people have no clue, they never will. I want the darkness again, I want to feel nothing, I want to die right now. 

Just a poem

August 31 2016

She is scared and alone yet you taunt her to death, the end ever nearing, the end comes with each breath

You've taken her strength, her beauty, her grace, nothing in this world could erase the pain from her face

Trampled and stepped on all she knows is abuse, she gave and you took, her own life she can't choose

Darkened by evil, the light stripped from her soul its just a matter of time before it all takes its toll 

DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS

 AUGUST 30 2016

LOVE IS NOT EASILY UNDERSTOOD, AND TO KNOW A LOSS OF LOVE REQUIRES US TO KNOW THE PAIN OF THAT LOST LOVE. WHERE OTHERS SEE DEATH IN THIS, I SEE LIFE. PAIN & LOSS CREATE THE DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS SO THAT WE CAN BE ACCEPTING OF THE TRUEST LOVE, WHICH WILL BE WHAT FILLS THOSE DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS UP WITH. THIS IS THE LIFE THAT I SEE WHEN A HEART LOSES LOVE. IT IS NOT A LOSS AT ALL, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE FILLED WITH EVEN MORE LOVE THAN EVER BEFORE 

If you Love, then Let go

August 21, 2016

Feeling emotional today, thinking about this past 8 months and the changes I have put myself through both as a person and as a Mother. If you told me last year that this is where I would be today, I would have laughed and said "Never happen" but here I am. There is no way for any of us to measure the minute, unseen communications within our brains without some kind of technology. No way to measure the kind of changes that happen to us when we experience things like happiness, sadness, grief, love, loss any emotion we may feel. We only know that we either do or do not like the way we feel inside and we know that we either do or do not cope with those feelings and that is all. We may not see that life experiences change us in many ways, that they either make us hardened because of the pain, or that they make us numb so we never have to feel the pain again. 

That is what I feel, I am numb because I can no longer bear the pain that my life experiences have given me. I am physically here but my soul comes and goes from within, and I never know that I have been gone until I come back. Going through Neuro has forced me to try to be more mindful of where I am and what it is that I am doing and this is not a bad thing. Sometimes it feels horrible but that is only because I have been away for so long that I am afraid to be present and realize the things I have missed and neglected. I am afraid of feeling all the things I am now feeling because I am trying to be present, I have been more of an emotional wreck than ever before and I am realizing how dangerous it really is as a person, to disassociate yourself from your life because when you do come back the pain comes flooding into you and it can be overwhelming to say the least. I find myself crying almost daily and not about anything in particular just because i am realizing the losses i have suffered and how much it really hurts is sad. I cry because I am nearly 40 and cannot remember when I was really here as myself which means I have missed out on so much of my life. 

Today I am crying because I realize that I had to lose even more to be begin the path of finding myself again, and I cry because I am remembering that my father truly is gone from our lives and I miss him so much. I have become  very sentimental when it comes to people in my life and have found the need to write to them to tell them how much they mean to me;. I am sure it is weirding people out because it isn't often someone reaches out to you just to say I love you but it is something I feel strongly about doing so I am not holding back. I have also been learning to let go of the tether I have a s a mother with my son, that is probably the hardest thing of all for me because in my mind keeping him close is protecting him but in reality it is the opposite. Learning to let that leash go and then to drop that leash is difficult, it is painful and scary and i find myself holding my breath at times waiting for him to tug on the rope to say he needs me. But he hasn't yet and even though he is only 15 he is his own person who needs to learn what his life means to him and make the mistakes that will help him figure that life out. 

So today for me, both of these things portray the same lesson and that is if I love then I need to let go for it to grow. 

I am....

August 1 2016


You may or may not know me, not now or ever
Even if you are unfortunate to have me in your life, you will never see or hear me
I am silent to an outsider, hidden, covert, and I mask myself to be many other things
Those who do know me, know me very well, actually not that well at all
I am good at making myself a chameleon so just when you think you know what I am, I change
I can manifest in so many ways, where do I start? No matter how I am born one thing is certain......
YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME & NOBODY WILL BELIEVE I AM REAL

I will take who you were and destroy that person inside and out
I will make those in your life who love & respect you, look at you like you are crazy
They will not trust your word and think your actions are phony & exaggerated
They will call you a liar, a whiner, a hypochondriac, an attention seeker
They will talk behind your back about you, their whispers are what you will hear
They will slowly dissipate from your life, their presence less and less the more you need them
I will be the one who is with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week when they all leave
But I will not be your friend at all, I WILL ONLY EVER BE YOUR ENEMY

I am good at playing tricks which will leave you dazed, confused, lost & alone
I will leave you fearful of the places and people you once knew and loved
I will take away your self esteem, your self worth, your ability to function as you
I will erase your memories over time, and leave your feeling maddened & crazed
I will make you forget your name and where you live, and often forgetful of so much more
I can take away your skills & knowledge, no matter how well you used to function

I am the giver of hope, and the taker of the only life you ever knew
I will make you cry, make you scream, make you wish that I had never happened
I will break you down inside and make you question everything you are and all that you do
I will be the intrusion that fills your mind and ever faithful will I be until there is no more
You can try all you want to get rid of me but I am a permanent parasite who feeds on you
Nothing you can say will make me leave, there is nothing that can stop me from invading you

I will be the first thing you think of when you awake and the last when you fall asleep
I will haunt your dreams with nightmares which will stir you from slumber with a jolt
You can curse me, you can pray but neither does you good, so stop trying
Do you want to know who I am? Do you want to put a name to the face? I am.....

Your Traumatic Brain Injury, welcome to my fucked up world
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

The Fight

The Fight

~ Strength comes from doing what others said can't be, won't be or shouldn't be done. To face what is uneasy, uncomfortable & uncertain even if that means you stand alone. To defeat your fears no matter how great the fight, & to remain true to who you are throughout. Walk the path less traveled to discover there's nothing more gratifying than to end up where people said you didn't belong;  I AM HERE, IT'S NOT OVER, I AM STRENGTH ~


(M.Y.S 2/25/2013)

Rant

July 19, 2016

What it;s like to be me & what I would want you to understand....

Nobody would choose to be like me, it is painful, confusing, and lonely. I tried to find a better way to explain what it is like to have been abused for so many years and to have a TBI. I told my son that my brain was like an orange and I wanted him to imagine throwing it around to his buddies, kicking it, hitting it but nto enough to break the skin of the orange. If you looked at the orange it would still look healthy and undamaged but if you peeled the skin back you might see it bruised and battered up right? This is my brain, it is the brusied and battered orange that looks perfectly fine on the outside.This is meant for those that no longer call or come by like friends used to do, and for all who may not know that an orange that is bruised on the inside looks exactly like one that is not. 

My once vibrant and hopeful youth and naivete were diminished by another, and I allowed myself to  be stripped completely from the inside out by a person I believed had my best interest at heart. I was human and trusted someone I didn't know I shouldn;t, and it cost me more than my life and I live with my choices and the consequences every day I am still alive. I battle my own regrrets along with the ones you won't let me live down, I have thought about all the things you think I must not have by staying in such a violent and abusinve marriage, any woman in my situation has alreayd thought the same things plus a million more on how to save her own life and quiite possibly even yours.  Each one of us has the right to make mistakes in life, we all will make them and we all deserve to have the chance to outgrow the stigmas that come with those mistakes so why won't you let me outgrow mine? Why do you insist on doing your best to remind me of what  a piece of shit mom I must be because I chose to save my sons life and send him to live with his dad instead of letting him grow up in the same violence that took my spiritt and my soul away?

In nobodys eyes woudl that choice have been better for my child and I will never regret making it because I know what you don't know, and that will always be the case. I don't owe you an explanation as to why I made that tough decision or why I didn't choose to do something else, you have no entitlelments to my lifes path and it is time someone told you that you ought to try picking apart your own decisions and the way you live because the fact that you do it to me, tells me your own life is a fucking wreck and you are too cowardly to deal with it or see the truth for what it is. I am tired of not feeling like I am good enough for others when I now know, that my value as a human being is not found in the opinions or judgements of others so it is ok for me to stop living like it were. Nobody will ever comprehend the war I have fought or what it took to survive it, but that won't make it less significant for me and it won't take away my personal gratification that I made it through which makes me a bad ass bitch in my book. I realize that I don't need you to validate who I am or who I am fighting to be right now, I don't know why I ever thought I did. 

You need you to validate yourself and I need me to validate myself, there is nothing I have that you need to be ok as a person and there is nothing you have that I need to feel the same. Everything I believed has been backwards and upside down which has in turn made us as beings exactly the same. Think about it, how backwards and upside down are you from your expereiences where everyone judges you and makes you feel shameful for thngs you had no control of? And how solid are you in those decisions you have made on your own without letting others affect the outcome? That is the answer right there, it is that simple and I can choose to be strong in whomever I am being in any given moment because, well, I just can and so can you. I am used to being lonely, I have done it alone for all this time and it is ok to be solo if it means I never have to feel less than I deserve to feel. 

First poem written to Jim

God took away my smile, but gave me something more
I felt his hand upon me as I lay crying on the floor

he wiped away my tears and softly touched my heart
urged me to be strong when all around me fell apart

he gently took my arms and helped me to my feet,
little did I know you were the one god meant for me

your spirit and conviction prove genuine and true,
but it's the way you love me I admire most in you

you speak the word of reason and wear your heart upon your sleeve,
your presence in my life has truly made my heart believe

to have your love and friendship is a gift that's very rare,
forever i will love you , my heart and soul with you I share

2012