September 21, 2016
Been a pretty rough few days for me, not sure why or what the trigger was but I am definetely not being present to my life. I had neuro with Kelly today (really love that lady!) because J & K are in Florida for the week. Usually, I am able to pull it together long enough to have to be around other people when I am in a funk or dissociating but today I could not. I have been feeling very strange, not real, living in a dream like state. I am in a mind fog and not sure of what around me is reality and what is not. I know that everything is supposed to be real, but I dont feel like it is so it really does a number on my mind.
Today has felt all wrong and getting worse. Numbness is an understatement and everything around me is slowly blurring into the background except my odd thoughts that won't stop no matter what I do. I feel very disconnected and unsure of myself and nothing in my head seems to be correct or real. I feel as if my soul is going to tear through my skin or that it will just explode any moment from the pressure it is under from being forced to pretend. My body is not mine, I do not recognize it in any way and feel like I am just a visitor on the inside and will be leaving at amy moment. Time has no value and does not move the way time is supposed to be moving. I am stuck on one day, one moment one dream, I want to scream today so loudly. I keep hearing music everywhere I am, even when it is quiet I can hear it playing like it is a secondary sound, constant and just outside my reach what is this? I hear it in every thought and while music soothes me this music is pissing me off because I cannot place it.
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9/25/2016
I had hoped that my week would find a way to smooth itself out, ease up on me as I was already at a breaking point, but I am not that fortunate. I don't understand how life can continue to beat me down when I am already as low as I have ever been? It makes me feel like I am not supposed to be here, that I will never succeed at feeling or being any better in this lifetime. Just when I thinnk I cannot feel any worse life laughs at me and gives me an extra helping of shit on a stick just for good measure. I dont even know where to begin in unloading the garbage that this week has given me so I will just write whatever comes to mind.
Thursday after treatment I had gotten home and locked myself in my bathroom, not wanting to speak to or see anyone because I was not feeling like I could. I was texting with Jacob as he was checking in with me to let me know he was at a friends house when I get this barrage of text messages from my best friend. Even still when I think about the horrible, nasty and cruel things she said to me it makes me cry and feel sick to my stomach. She had apparently replied to a post Jacob had put on his facebook, and her exact words were "Grow the fuck up and get off your pity party you need to deal with life and quit acting like a child". What did he post that would warrant something so explosive from an adult? He posted a picture that said, "God please help keep me strong enough to be away from the toxic people in my life" Yes, that was all he posted and she went crazy on him. He defended himself and rightfully so, telling her he thought is was rude of her to say that to him and he didn't appreciate it. She kept on, so he kept on and by the end of it she was messaging me to tell me that we were no longer friends.
Long story short, she told me I was selfish and inconsiderate because I didn't make enough time for her and when she came by a few weeks ago and I didn't answer the door ( I never knew she came by until a few days later) and that I allowed my son to speak to her the way he did after she made the statement she made to him. I tried to explain to her several things, mostly about what is going on with me and how it affects my ability to be social among other things. What does she fire back? That I am not a friend because friends make time not excuses and I am not as bad as I say I am because she sees none of what I tell her goes on. I am just trying to get attention and I am a selfish person who cares only about myself because I repolied to her with statements that were all about me, "I, me, myself me me me. I wanted to choke the words right out of her mouth! How can someone say such hurtful and cruel things to someone who is supposed to be a friend? What about a person who is a human being and struggling with health issues that nobody else cane see? That makes me selfish and a liar? I am beyond disgusted to say the least and there is no making things right with someone who holds that kind of opinion of someone who suffers from TBI and PTSD it will take more energy for me to fix this than it will to grieve the loss of my friend and try to move forward not understanding why she refuses to be compassionate towards my situation.
She deleted me on facebook then proceeded to post quotes about me and the kind of friend I am and how me isolating myself from others did her a favor because it was like the trash taking itself out. I am beyond angry and hurt and fucking frustrated that someone would make me feel this way and I dont' have the chance to justify or correct anything she believes which makes it even worse for me. I want to be vindictive towards her and make her look bad, but I wont because it wont' matter and it wont make me feel any bettter. I dont get how she could be that hurtful over things I cannot help, I told her it was liek being angry at someone for not having hair because they were going through chemo. As of right now I hate the people who choose not to understand or be a friend enmogh to be patient with me.or try to understand. I feel completely alone in my life and it is the most lonliest I think I have ever been. I don't want to exist like this, this is not a life I cannot cope this way, I won't settle for this, I don't have to and I don't want too. I want to be treated like a human being, I am not selfish and I am not a liar, I am a person who has suffered an immense amount of trauma which has resulted in my impairments and inabilities, and I a person who is trying her hardest to cope with it,but people like her make it impossible.
Today has felt all wrong and getting worse. Numbness is an understatement and everything around me is slowly blurring into the background except my odd thoughts that won't stop no matter what I do. I feel very disconnected and unsure of myself and nothing in my head seems to be correct or real. I feel as if my soul is going to tear through my skin or that it will just explode any moment from the pressure it is under from being forced to pretend. My body is not mine, I do not recognize it in any way and feel like I am just a visitor on the inside and will be leaving at amy moment. Time has no value and does not move the way time is supposed to be moving. I am stuck on one day, one moment one dream, I want to scream today so loudly. I keep hearing music everywhere I am, even when it is quiet I can hear it playing like it is a secondary sound, constant and just outside my reach what is this? I hear it in every thought and while music soothes me this music is pissing me off because I cannot place it.
_________________________________________________________________________________
9/25/2016
I had hoped that my week would find a way to smooth itself out, ease up on me as I was already at a breaking point, but I am not that fortunate. I don't understand how life can continue to beat me down when I am already as low as I have ever been? It makes me feel like I am not supposed to be here, that I will never succeed at feeling or being any better in this lifetime. Just when I thinnk I cannot feel any worse life laughs at me and gives me an extra helping of shit on a stick just for good measure. I dont even know where to begin in unloading the garbage that this week has given me so I will just write whatever comes to mind.
Thursday after treatment I had gotten home and locked myself in my bathroom, not wanting to speak to or see anyone because I was not feeling like I could. I was texting with Jacob as he was checking in with me to let me know he was at a friends house when I get this barrage of text messages from my best friend. Even still when I think about the horrible, nasty and cruel things she said to me it makes me cry and feel sick to my stomach. She had apparently replied to a post Jacob had put on his facebook, and her exact words were "Grow the fuck up and get off your pity party you need to deal with life and quit acting like a child". What did he post that would warrant something so explosive from an adult? He posted a picture that said, "God please help keep me strong enough to be away from the toxic people in my life" Yes, that was all he posted and she went crazy on him. He defended himself and rightfully so, telling her he thought is was rude of her to say that to him and he didn't appreciate it. She kept on, so he kept on and by the end of it she was messaging me to tell me that we were no longer friends.
Long story short, she told me I was selfish and inconsiderate because I didn't make enough time for her and when she came by a few weeks ago and I didn't answer the door ( I never knew she came by until a few days later) and that I allowed my son to speak to her the way he did after she made the statement she made to him. I tried to explain to her several things, mostly about what is going on with me and how it affects my ability to be social among other things. What does she fire back? That I am not a friend because friends make time not excuses and I am not as bad as I say I am because she sees none of what I tell her goes on. I am just trying to get attention and I am a selfish person who cares only about myself because I repolied to her with statements that were all about me, "I, me, myself me me me. I wanted to choke the words right out of her mouth! How can someone say such hurtful and cruel things to someone who is supposed to be a friend? What about a person who is a human being and struggling with health issues that nobody else cane see? That makes me selfish and a liar? I am beyond disgusted to say the least and there is no making things right with someone who holds that kind of opinion of someone who suffers from TBI and PTSD it will take more energy for me to fix this than it will to grieve the loss of my friend and try to move forward not understanding why she refuses to be compassionate towards my situation.
She deleted me on facebook then proceeded to post quotes about me and the kind of friend I am and how me isolating myself from others did her a favor because it was like the trash taking itself out. I am beyond angry and hurt and fucking frustrated that someone would make me feel this way and I dont' have the chance to justify or correct anything she believes which makes it even worse for me. I want to be vindictive towards her and make her look bad, but I wont because it wont' matter and it wont make me feel any bettter. I dont get how she could be that hurtful over things I cannot help, I told her it was liek being angry at someone for not having hair because they were going through chemo. As of right now I hate the people who choose not to understand or be a friend enmogh to be patient with me.or try to understand. I feel completely alone in my life and it is the most lonliest I think I have ever been. I don't want to exist like this, this is not a life I cannot cope this way, I won't settle for this, I don't have to and I don't want too. I want to be treated like a human being, I am not selfish and I am not a liar, I am a person who has suffered an immense amount of trauma which has resulted in my impairments and inabilities, and I a person who is trying her hardest to cope with it,but people like her make it impossible.
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