Jack asked me the other day, where I saw myself as far as making progress this past year. This is something that I have often thought about, where am I from where I was? The best way to explain where I am is to say that I am like a teeter-totter, up and down back and forth that is where I see myself right now. Do I believe that I am better than where I started? Yes Do I think I am where I want to be? No, hell no. I know that the days are going to be up and down and that there will never be only up days, I accept that. But when the bad days come (like right now) I hate them and it would be so easy to let myself dissociate and go away, I really want too but I don't. I don't even know what keeps me from slipping all the way back again because sometimes I really want too. I don't want to feel what I feel, I don't want to be aware of what is happening because then I am choosing to deal with all the pain I have locked away for so long.
Right now, I want to jump off the teeter-totter and go crazy inside myself. I want to scream and break everything that is in my way and I want to destroy any life that I see. I want to be alone, I want to hide or die I don't know which, either one would be better than right now. I hate myself right now, I hate my life right now, I hate everything right now. I just do and I want to throw my fit and act like a child right now because that is what I want. I am angry and disgusted at the things and people in my life who stole from me, stole my light and my soul. Why can't I just be angry like this and fucking lose it? I don't want to try anymore and work as hard as I do to get better I fucking don't want to work that hard anymore!! It is tiring and it hurts so much people have no clue, they never will. I want the darkness again, I want to feel nothing, I want to die right now.
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