Rant

July 19, 2016

What it;s like to be me & what I would want you to understand....

Nobody would choose to be like me, it is painful, confusing, and lonely. I tried to find a better way to explain what it is like to have been abused for so many years and to have a TBI. I told my son that my brain was like an orange and I wanted him to imagine throwing it around to his buddies, kicking it, hitting it but nto enough to break the skin of the orange. If you looked at the orange it would still look healthy and undamaged but if you peeled the skin back you might see it bruised and battered up right? This is my brain, it is the brusied and battered orange that looks perfectly fine on the outside.This is meant for those that no longer call or come by like friends used to do, and for all who may not know that an orange that is bruised on the inside looks exactly like one that is not. 

My once vibrant and hopeful youth and naivete were diminished by another, and I allowed myself to  be stripped completely from the inside out by a person I believed had my best interest at heart. I was human and trusted someone I didn't know I shouldn;t, and it cost me more than my life and I live with my choices and the consequences every day I am still alive. I battle my own regrrets along with the ones you won't let me live down, I have thought about all the things you think I must not have by staying in such a violent and abusinve marriage, any woman in my situation has alreayd thought the same things plus a million more on how to save her own life and quiite possibly even yours.  Each one of us has the right to make mistakes in life, we all will make them and we all deserve to have the chance to outgrow the stigmas that come with those mistakes so why won't you let me outgrow mine? Why do you insist on doing your best to remind me of what  a piece of shit mom I must be because I chose to save my sons life and send him to live with his dad instead of letting him grow up in the same violence that took my spiritt and my soul away?

In nobodys eyes woudl that choice have been better for my child and I will never regret making it because I know what you don't know, and that will always be the case. I don't owe you an explanation as to why I made that tough decision or why I didn't choose to do something else, you have no entitlelments to my lifes path and it is time someone told you that you ought to try picking apart your own decisions and the way you live because the fact that you do it to me, tells me your own life is a fucking wreck and you are too cowardly to deal with it or see the truth for what it is. I am tired of not feeling like I am good enough for others when I now know, that my value as a human being is not found in the opinions or judgements of others so it is ok for me to stop living like it were. Nobody will ever comprehend the war I have fought or what it took to survive it, but that won't make it less significant for me and it won't take away my personal gratification that I made it through which makes me a bad ass bitch in my book. I realize that I don't need you to validate who I am or who I am fighting to be right now, I don't know why I ever thought I did. 

You need you to validate yourself and I need me to validate myself, there is nothing I have that you need to be ok as a person and there is nothing you have that I need to feel the same. Everything I believed has been backwards and upside down which has in turn made us as beings exactly the same. Think about it, how backwards and upside down are you from your expereiences where everyone judges you and makes you feel shameful for thngs you had no control of? And how solid are you in those decisions you have made on your own without letting others affect the outcome? That is the answer right there, it is that simple and I can choose to be strong in whomever I am being in any given moment because, well, I just can and so can you. I am used to being lonely, I have done it alone for all this time and it is ok to be solo if it means I never have to feel less than I deserve to feel.