September 27, 2016
Today was the day I had hoped would never come, for myself and for Jim and Jacob. Today changes everything about where I go from here and who I become, I'm not even sure that is a possibility for me anymore. I finally reached the breaking point, everything up until now seems like a fairytale compared to today which is beyond scary to think about. Until now I have managed to exist and found a way to hang on when I was ready to let go a long time ago. The pinnacle of existence for me was being a mother to my child that dreamt of giving my son a better life than what most have or know. I desired to be the kind of mom who was trusted and confided in, a mom who could relate to her child and who could have a close relationship with and who could feel confident that I had the ability to protect my son from the cruelties of the world. I did not imagine that I would find myself in Jack's office, on the floor unable to be present to the trauma or the pain that was igniting every inch of my insides. Clutching onto Mr. Elephant rocking myself back and forth to try and sooth the chaos that I was fighting against, Today was the closest I have ever been to begging to be medicated to make the pain go away, to give me anything at all that would silence the war in my mind and tend to the wounds left upon my soul that will surely never heal.
Instead of being a strong and proud mother to my son I have become everything that I feared I would be, nothing in the eyes of my child. How this evolved I cannot explain, even if it felt real to me I would find it difficult to put into words what caused this effect, nor could I paint you a picture clear enough to depict the demolition that is happening to me as I write this. My head feels as if it is in a paint shaker, violently whipping from side to side in all directions, my eyes are quivering with nervous ticks, making my already blurred vision even worse. I can taste bile in the back of my throat, why can't I vomit out the pain? For the next 4 hours I will end up searching for my child who is out on the streets cursing my name and my existence. I watch in sadness as he plasters his hate all over face book for his psycho mother, calling me a piece of shit, a bitch, and the most hurtful of all he calls me crazy and keeps laughing at me. I want to know what I have done in my life to deserve what I have been dealt? The person I helped to create, the little boy that stole my heart and the young man who used to call me his best friend is now my enemy and I am losing this battle. I speak to my mother and sister, both of whom surprisingly, are supportive of me and are encouraging and loving as I fight with myself to do the right thing for him and I both.
His Diversion officer Annette, keeps in contact with me even through her meetings she takes my calls and tries to keep it positive. I tell her I am considering checking into the hospital for psychiatric care and am unsure of what to do as far as where Jacob will stay as I do not want him staying where he has been the last few days with his friend Isaac. She tells me I only have one choice and that she will try to help facilitate the arrangement for him. She calls me back after a while and tells me that she has had Officers dispatched to go pick Jacob up and take him into custody to temporarily place him into Child Services .care. A temporary foster home for him to stay at until I can figure out what is the best course of action for us both. I call my mother and I break down again, feeling like the lowest mother on earth for having to do this to my own child but I cannot survive with him in my home for much longer. Unlike my experience with my own mother who usually berates me and puts me down as she reminds me how incompetent I am she speaks softly to me, telling me how much she loves me and that it is going to be ok. That she is here for me and that she won't leave me alone in this decision if I need her strength she is there to help me. She asks me if I would consider allowing her to take Jacob temporarily until I figure things out, she says that she knows Jacob needs help and that she sess the abuse he puts me through and she wants to help us both. I feel like this might be the better option for now as it puts me at ease somewhat, so I agree to let her take him temporarily until I can figure out what to do.
Several calls were placed to Jacob's father, all with no success in reaching him. He texts me back a message after a few hours telling me he won't take Jacob and that I need to figure it out on my own. I didn't expect him to be cooperative but when he denied his son and me any help my anger grew into rage and I knew then that this was the biggest reason for my sons issues and that he would never allow Jacob closure or peace of mind in their relationship if he was willing to stonewall me at a time like this when his son needed him the most. It broke my heart for Jacob, he deserved better than this piece of shit as his father and I could never give it to him. The police finally find Jacob around 8pm at a friends house in Hayden Idaho where him and Isaac had walked to from Post Falls. I am on the phone with my sister when they arrive with Jacob in tow and I listen as it plays out. I tell my sister to ask Jacob for his phone while the Police are still there so that there won't be any problems. She does so and in return gets an argumentative teenager who challenges her request. He finally gives in as he slaps the phone down into her hand screaming "I fucking hate your guts" to her as he storms into the house. The Officer gets on the phone with me and I tell him I have changed my mind about him staying with my mother, I want him to realize that what he is doing is unacceptable and that I am at my wits end on what to do for him. The officer asks me how long this has been going on and I explain it has been most all of this year and that I am considering Psychiatric admittance to the hospital because I can no longer handle the battle with my son. The officer gets angry and tells me that he will take care of it and have a talk with Jacob,
I hear him call for Jacob to come outside and then I hear the officer asked Jacob "what the fuck is your problem kid?' He continues to yell at him, telling him he cannot believe that Jacob would give such an attitude to my sister and myself in front of the Officers and that he has no right until he is 18 to behave this way. At the end of the confrontation Jacob, myself and my sister are all a wreck in tears and fearful of his future. The officer tells him that he has been wasting precious time and taking it away from other emergencies by making them come find him instead of doing what he has been told to do by his mother. He is told that is they get one more call about him he will sit in Idaho jail indefinitely and can find out what it's like to have nobody. I never speak to Jacob after all of this, I don't want to because I know what it will be like, the tears, the apologies the request to come back home to be with me. So I tell my sister that I have to leave as I am going to the hospital to check myself in for care. I don't know why I lied to her because I knew at that point I really just wanted to stay home with Jim. But I said it, and I won't tell her any differently either. She brought Jacob home to get his things as I stayed in the garage so they didn';t see me. For now, they think I am in the hospital and unreachable and I am ok with this. I spend the night crying until I pass out exhausted and ready to give up this fight.
I cannot write any more for now, I am spent emotionally and feeling even worse after waking up this morning. I am numb with pain and still feeling like it might be best to go check myself in. I am terrified of this feeling inside me as it is one I am not familiar with up until now, and that means that I have no idea on how to proceed or try to start healing from this devastation and destruction. I had no idea that someone already broken and fighting for their life could be subjected to an even harsher and more destitute state of being but here I am.
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