Feeling emotional today, thinking about this past 8 months and the changes I have put myself through both as a person and as a Mother. If you told me last year that this is where I would be today, I would have laughed and said "Never happen" but here I am. There is no way for any of us to measure the minute, unseen communications within our brains without some kind of technology. No way to measure the kind of changes that happen to us when we experience things like happiness, sadness, grief, love, loss any emotion we may feel. We only know that we either do or do not like the way we feel inside and we know that we either do or do not cope with those feelings and that is all. We may not see that life experiences change us in many ways, that they either make us hardened because of the pain, or that they make us numb so we never have to feel the pain again.
That is what I feel, I am numb because I can no longer bear the pain that my life experiences have given me. I am physically here but my soul comes and goes from within, and I never know that I have been gone until I come back. Going through Neuro has forced me to try to be more mindful of where I am and what it is that I am doing and this is not a bad thing. Sometimes it feels horrible but that is only because I have been away for so long that I am afraid to be present and realize the things I have missed and neglected. I am afraid of feeling all the things I am now feeling because I am trying to be present, I have been more of an emotional wreck than ever before and I am realizing how dangerous it really is as a person, to disassociate yourself from your life because when you do come back the pain comes flooding into you and it can be overwhelming to say the least. I find myself crying almost daily and not about anything in particular just because i am realizing the losses i have suffered and how much it really hurts is sad. I cry because I am nearly 40 and cannot remember when I was really here as myself which means I have missed out on so much of my life.
Today I am crying because I realize that I had to lose even more to be begin the path of finding myself again, and I cry because I am remembering that my father truly is gone from our lives and I miss him so much. I have become very sentimental when it comes to people in my life and have found the need to write to them to tell them how much they mean to me;. I am sure it is weirding people out because it isn't often someone reaches out to you just to say I love you but it is something I feel strongly about doing so I am not holding back. I have also been learning to let go of the tether I have a s a mother with my son, that is probably the hardest thing of all for me because in my mind keeping him close is protecting him but in reality it is the opposite. Learning to let that leash go and then to drop that leash is difficult, it is painful and scary and i find myself holding my breath at times waiting for him to tug on the rope to say he needs me. But he hasn't yet and even though he is only 15 he is his own person who needs to learn what his life means to him and make the mistakes that will help him figure that life out.
So today for me, both of these things portray the same lesson and that is if I love then I need to let go for it to grow.
You are an amazing inspiration!
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