Dying

Twisted insides, will they ever begin to unravel? Entangling me, they are slowly strangling me Sucking the life and breath right out of me, the air I used to know has been both used & abused Anger & rage reside in its place, the only element of my existence at times

Darkness surrounds my curled up and & frigid body, floating in a pool of icy waters the light that used to be has gone out. Eyes closed tightly, yet I still see the danger all around me waiting to engulfs me, to digest me.
Predators hang not far from me, anticipating the taste of my failures & my fate.Silent yet screaming, my ears are filled with sirens of my dying self as I wait for death to ease my pain. Forgotten in the depths that are taking me lower, no anchor, no rope, no rescue just forgotten I am. Bleeding not blood but my soul as the waters blacken around me, shedding the remnants of my spirit, leaving only the salt of my dried up tears.I think this is what dying is, what dying feels like, a pain so deep and searing your flesh cannot feel. This is not what is alive, I am disappearing, I am dead.

Just a poem

August 31 2016

She is scared and alone yet you taunt her to death, the end ever nearing, the end comes with each breath

You've taken her strength, her beauty, her grace, nothing in this world could erase the pain from her face

Trampled and stepped on all she knows is abuse, she gave and you took, her own life she can't choose

Darkened by evil, the light stripped from her soul its just a matter of time before it all takes its toll 

DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS

 AUGUST 30 2016

LOVE IS NOT EASILY UNDERSTOOD, AND TO KNOW A LOSS OF LOVE REQUIRES US TO KNOW THE PAIN OF THAT LOST LOVE. WHERE OTHERS SEE DEATH IN THIS, I SEE LIFE. PAIN & LOSS CREATE THE DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS SO THAT WE CAN BE ACCEPTING OF THE TRUEST LOVE, WHICH WILL BE WHAT FILLS THOSE DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS UP WITH. THIS IS THE LIFE THAT I SEE WHEN A HEART LOSES LOVE. IT IS NOT A LOSS AT ALL, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE FILLED WITH EVEN MORE LOVE THAN EVER BEFORE 

I am....

August 1 2016


You may or may not know me, not now or ever
Even if you are unfortunate to have me in your life, you will never see or hear me
I am silent to an outsider, hidden, covert, and I mask myself to be many other things
Those who do know me, know me very well, actually not that well at all
I am good at making myself a chameleon so just when you think you know what I am, I change
I can manifest in so many ways, where do I start? No matter how I am born one thing is certain......
YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME & NOBODY WILL BELIEVE I AM REAL

I will take who you were and destroy that person inside and out
I will make those in your life who love & respect you, look at you like you are crazy
They will not trust your word and think your actions are phony & exaggerated
They will call you a liar, a whiner, a hypochondriac, an attention seeker
They will talk behind your back about you, their whispers are what you will hear
They will slowly dissipate from your life, their presence less and less the more you need them
I will be the one who is with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week when they all leave
But I will not be your friend at all, I WILL ONLY EVER BE YOUR ENEMY

I am good at playing tricks which will leave you dazed, confused, lost & alone
I will leave you fearful of the places and people you once knew and loved
I will take away your self esteem, your self worth, your ability to function as you
I will erase your memories over time, and leave your feeling maddened & crazed
I will make you forget your name and where you live, and often forgetful of so much more
I can take away your skills & knowledge, no matter how well you used to function

I am the giver of hope, and the taker of the only life you ever knew
I will make you cry, make you scream, make you wish that I had never happened
I will break you down inside and make you question everything you are and all that you do
I will be the intrusion that fills your mind and ever faithful will I be until there is no more
You can try all you want to get rid of me but I am a permanent parasite who feeds on you
Nothing you can say will make me leave, there is nothing that can stop me from invading you

I will be the first thing you think of when you awake and the last when you fall asleep
I will haunt your dreams with nightmares which will stir you from slumber with a jolt
You can curse me, you can pray but neither does you good, so stop trying
Do you want to know who I am? Do you want to put a name to the face? I am.....

Your Traumatic Brain Injury, welcome to my fucked up world
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

The Fight

The Fight

~ Strength comes from doing what others said can't be, won't be or shouldn't be done. To face what is uneasy, uncomfortable & uncertain even if that means you stand alone. To defeat your fears no matter how great the fight, & to remain true to who you are throughout. Walk the path less traveled to discover there's nothing more gratifying than to end up where people said you didn't belong;  I AM HERE, IT'S NOT OVER, I AM STRENGTH ~


(M.Y.S 2/25/2013)

First poem written to Jim

God took away my smile, but gave me something more
I felt his hand upon me as I lay crying on the floor

he wiped away my tears and softly touched my heart
urged me to be strong when all around me fell apart

he gently took my arms and helped me to my feet,
little did I know you were the one god meant for me

your spirit and conviction prove genuine and true,
but it's the way you love me I admire most in you

you speak the word of reason and wear your heart upon your sleeve,
your presence in my life has truly made my heart believe

to have your love and friendship is a gift that's very rare,
forever i will love you , my heart and soul with you I share

2012
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

AWAKENING

JULY 18, 2016

SHELTERED FROM AIR & LIGHT, DARKNESS ENVELOPS WHAT IS LEFT OF MY SOUL

HEAVY, ECHOES OF MY LABORED BREATHING ARE THE ONLY SOUND.NOW.

HOLLOW I AM,  MY FEEBLE & WEAKENED SHELL EATEN ALIVE BY THE PITS OF HELL

DISTANT & FOREIGN IS MY VOICE WHEN I TRY TO SPEAK, NOBODYS LISTENING

IN THIS PLACE I HAVE BEEN EVERYTHING AND I AM NOTHING, HOW CAN I EXIST?

RESULTS OF A FRACTURED MIND, MY SURVIVAL, MY DEMISE, IT IS MY PSYCHOSIS 

IT IS MY EVERY FEAR & WORRY BALLED UP INSIDE ME, RETRACTING FROM ITSELF

THIS TANGLED MESS HAS BEEN MY SURVIVAL & MY STRENGTH, WHAT HAS KEPT ME ALIVE. 

I HAVE BEEN HERE IN THIS PLACE FOR SO LONG THAT I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT

THE LIGHT WILL HURT MY EYES THE AIR WILL BURN MY LUNGS, SO I STAY

DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS COULD HAVE PASSED BY NOW, THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL

I AM HOLDING ONTO LIFE WITHOUT REALIZING THAT I AM ALSO HOLIDNG ONTO DEATH

SO I GIVE IN & TRY TO TRUST WHAT LIES ABOVE ME, NOT YET BELIEVING 

JUST DECIDING TO TRY & STEP AWAY FROM THE DARK PLACE TO SEE IF I CAN

TO FEEL WHAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN, TO KNOW IF I WILL PERISH BECAUSE OF IT

MY BODY ACHES FROM BEING IN THIS POSITION, MY MIND IS FOGGY & UNCLEAR

THE PAIN IN MY CHEST BECOMES GREATER & MY VISION PLAYS OUT LKE A MOVIE

FADING IN & OUT, SOUNDS NOT PRIMARY JUST BACKGROUND NOISE, A FILLER

EVERY SENSE EVENTUALLY HEIGHTENED, COLORS SO VIBRANT, I CAN ALMOST FEEL AGAIN

THINGS FEEL STRANGE YET FAMILIAR, HAVE I BEEN TO THIS NEW PLACE BEFORE?

I AM UNSURE, UNSTEADY, I FEEL SO OUT OF PLACE HERE CAN'T I JUST GO BACK?

I WANT TO RETREAT BUT I AM BLOCKED, A FORCE STRONGER THAN I WONT LET ME

IT'S TOO HARD TO LIVE HERE, I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO EXIST HERE

I AM TOO TIRED TO FIGHT THIS, SO I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT I AM WHAT IS NOW

I AM NOT WHAT I WAS AND CANNOT BE WHAT WILL BE, JUST WHAT IS NOW

HERE, WHERE TIME HASN'T STOPPED I MUST REMEMBER HOW TO DO THIS AGAIN

I AM AFRAID, I AM LOST, I AM ALONE JUST AS I WAS IN THE DARK PLACE 

ONLY HERE I AM NOT REALLY ALONE AND I DESPISE THE CHATTER, ITS TOO LOUD

MAYBE I WONT HAVE TO STAY HERE TOO LONG, I WANT TO GO HOME 

WHERE I WAS, WHERE I BELONG, WHERE I AM WELCOME TO STAY FOREVER

First place Fathers Day Poem

July 8th 2016

I won First Place in a writing contest on a Fathers Day poem.Written by me June 2016 and of course, written about my father.

Wishful thinking

If time could take us backwards, change what happened in the end
I’d wish for one more day, one more day with you to spend
I’d wish for one more night spent sitting in your room
Reading from the bible and singing you a tune
One more summer day spent fishing at your side, 
One more summer day with you before you died
One more home cooked meal I would gladly make for you
One more sunday morning just like we used to do
One more campfire night making s’mores and making smiles
One more wedding night to have you walk me down the aisle
One more drunken weekend with tequila rose and pool
One more drunken weekend, Fat Bottom Girls will always rule
One more early morning, a cup of joe and cigarette
One more early morning i could awake without regret
One more hug from you, one more grin upon your face
One more hug from you, just one final last embrace
One more conversation even it it were by phone, 
One more “Dad I love you”, if only I had known
One more chance to tell you all the things that went unsaid,
One more chance to bring you back, make living from the dead
If time could take us backwards give us back what we once had, 
I’d wish for one more day, one more day spent with you Dad.

THE PLACE

June 19 2016

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE WE WERE

WHERE I WASN'T CONFUSED, WHERE I WAS ALWAYS SO SURE

TO THE TIME IN MY LIFE THAT DIDN'T FEEL STRANGE 

WHERE MY MIND AND MY THOUGHTS DIDN'T FEEL REARRANGED 

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I KNEW

WHO I WAS INSIDE & OUT, WHO I WAS THROUGH & THROUGH

TO THE GIRL NOT AFRAID OF PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS

WHO STILL HAD A VOICE, NOW ITS ONLY THERE WHEN SHE SINGS

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I WAS 

WHERE I DIDN'T FEEL PAIN, WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT LIKE IT DOES

TO THE MINUTES & HOURS THAT DIDN'T SLIP BY

WHERE THE TEARS NEVER FELL,WHEN MY EYES DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CRY

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE WHERE I FELT WHOLE 

WHERE THE PIECES STILL FIT, WHERE LIFE HADN'T TAKEN ITS TOLL

TO THE DAYS BEFORE NOW THAT I WASN'T SO LOST

WHERE EVERYTHING THAT I WAS HAD NOT BEEN SPENT AT ALL COST

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE I WISH THE MOST TO BE

WHERE I AWAKE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE, WHERE I AWAKE & IT'S ME

TO A PLACE NOT SO FAR, TO A PLACE I KNOW I BELONG

WHERE UP IS NOT DOWN & WHERE RIGHT CAN NEVER BE WRONG

IF YOU KNOW OF THIS PLACE, COULD YOU SHOW ME THE WAY?

COULD YOU HELP ME BREAK FREE FROM THIS HELL, FROM TODAY?

WOULD YOU CARE JUST ENOUGH, WOULD YOU LEAVE OR CHOOSE TO STAY?

IF YOU CAN'T LEAD ME HOME, I'D UNDERSTAND BUT PLEASE PRAY

PRAY I'M NOT BROKEN, PLEASE, PRAY FOR THE DEVIL TO LEAVE

PRAY IT 'S NOT TOO LATE, PRAY THERE;S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME BELIEVE

THE PLACE

June 19 2016

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE WE WERE

WHERE I WASN'T CONFUSED, WHERE I WAS ALWAYS SO SURE

TO THE TIME IN MY LIFE THAT DIDN'T FEEL STRANGE 

WHERE MY MIND AND MY THOUGHTS DIDN'T FEEL REARRANGED 

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I KNEW

WHO I WAS INSIDE & OUT, WHO I WAS THROUGH & THROUGH

TO THE GIRL NOT AFRAID OF PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS

WHO STILL HAD A VOICE, NOW ITS ONLY THERE WHEN SHE SINGS

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I WAS 

WHERE I DIDN'T FEEL PAIN, WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT LIKE IT DOES

TO THE MINUTES & HOURS THAT DIDN'T SLIP BY

WHERE THE TEARS NEVER FELL,WHEN MY EYES DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CRY

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE WHERE I FELT WHOLE 

WHERE THE PIECES STILL FIT, WHERE LIFE HADN'T TAKEN ITS TOLL

TO THE DAYS BEFORE NOW THAT I WASN'T SO LOST

WHERE EVERYTHING THAT I WAS HAD NOT BEEN SPENT AT ALL COST

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE I WISH THE MOST TO BE

WHERE I AWAKE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE, WHERE I AWAKE & IT'S ME

TO A PLACE NOT SO FAR, TO A PLACE I KNOW I BELONG

WHERE UP IS NOT DOWN & WHERE RIGHT CAN NEVER BE WRONG

IF YOU KNOW OF THIS PLACE, COULD YOU SHOW ME THE WAY?

COULD YOU HELP ME BREAK FREE FROM THIS HELL, FROM TODAY?

WOULD YOU CARE JUST ENOUGH, WOULD YOU LEAVE OR CHOOSE TO STAY?

IF YOU CAN'T LEAD ME HOME, I'D UNDERSTAND BUT PLEASE PRAY

PRAY I'M NOT BROKEN, PLEASE, PRAY FOR THE DEVIL TO LEAVE

PRAY IT 'S NOT TOO LATE, PRAY THERE;S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME BELIEVE

Writings: Untitled

Untitled 2013 M. Stuart

~ when once I was defeated, head bowed between rough hands 

struggled to take back my error, ease up my harsh demands

mistaken that i was, for all who try then too must fail

forgo all shame and pity if your wish is to prevail

endless are the moments you can choose to start again 

let go of what you couldn't, and begin with what you can ~

Writings: Untitled

Untitled 2013 M. Stuart

~ when once I was defeated, head bowed between rough hands 

struggled to take back my error, ease up my harsh demands

mistaken that i was, for all who try then too must fail

forgo all shame and pity if your wish is to prevail

endless are the moments you can choose to start again 

let go of what you couldn't, and begin with what you can ~

Writings: Invisible

~ Invisible ~

What would you say to a story been told
Of a woman I knew that was treated so cold

Her heart had been broken her body was worn
her spirit and nature had been shredded and torn

her good will had been taken her willingness used
left uncared and forgotten her love was abused

silent and unseen as those around her moved past
alone and afraid always being thought of last

except for the times when they needed her most
only then was she noticed & not an invisible ghost

no matter her sorrows no matter her criesWr
nobody sees her no matter how hard she tries

her family her friends, and yes even her child
their cruelties & evils remain unreconciled

do you think it unfair? Do you find it to be mean?
Would you change what you could to help this woman to be seen?

What would you say; I wonder what you would do
If I told you this woman was someone that you knew?

She is your daughter, your sister your wife
Your mother, your friend she is a part of your life

does this change how you feel to know someone you love
has been beaten & knocked down like a fighter without gloves?

will you choose to ignore it & the damage you’ve caused?
or remain as you are and go on living without pause

would you give it a thought to how this woman must feel
can you imagine existing in a world this unreal?

would you wipe away tears as they shed from her eyes
make right all the wrongs, make truth from your lies

could you stomach her grief and the loss of her soul?
hanging onto yourself without losing control

what would you say now the story has been told
open your eyes and watch your karma unfold

7/2015 M. Stuart