I am the Storm

October 24, 2016

All this time I have been waiting for the calm before the storm, until tonight when I realized I AM THE STORM.  This was not a thought I had ever considered before now, a storm that I have been waiting for was brewing inside of me all this time. It showed its presence this evening, caught my attention and then some, leaving me to sort out the aftermath on my own. A sinking feeling hung in my heart all day today, a nagging worry that could not be explained by any rational idea that entered my mind. A fearsome tag along more than my usual uneasiness, it piggy backed my anxiety just waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it powerful destruction inside of me, letting me know that it and only it would have control of everything for the few moments that seemed like an eternity from beginning to end. 

There is no ideal place for one to experience this storm, it wouldn't matter where you were or what you were doing when it let go, there is nothing to prepare you for the undertaking of your self when the cyclone starts spinning. Least desirable place might be behind the wheel of your car traveling 70mph down the highway as darkness had just settled in over the sky. My fears had become so intense that I made it a point to call Jim as I was getting on the freeway, I was scared but didn't know of what, and I felt impending doom in my chest that I could not shake. He tried to comfort me, told me to turn around and come home so that he could drive me to go get Jacob in Post Falls, reminded me over and over that I was ok and that it was nothing, that everything would be ok. I wanted to believe him I truly did, but it appeared that this was what would fuel the storm into unleashing on me. 

Without warning it felt as if a lightning bolt had pierced the skin on my right side just above the waist, sending a searing jolt of electricity into my torso, lungs and heart. The electrictiy it conducted sent the most intense heat I have ever felt, pulsing through my every fiber and cell. My vision began to close in on me and I realized that I was moments away from passing out while I was still traveling at 70 mph. I screamed to Jim that I was dying, or having a stroke, heart attack, blood clot something, everything was so wrong. I barely had enough time to tell him where I was and safely pull off to the median before blacking out. It was everything I had in me to ride that storm long enough to call 911 for help and wait for it to arrive. My eyes were tingling like they had been asleep, pins and needles traveled througout my face into my neck and the rest of my trembling & shaking body. It felt like electricity was flowing through my veins, fingertips experiencing sharp, stabbing pulses of the energy. all that I could think was that I was going to die just like that, in my car, on the side of the freeway at the Barker road exit. 

Sweat began to pour off of my head and face, dripping down onto my lap like a faucet had been turned on above my head. Heart racing, my staggering mind frantically searching for the fire that was burning inside my body, cooking me from the inside out. My life was flashing before my very eyes, to my boy waiting for me to arrive only I might not be there to pick him up and how would he know that I didn't mean to abandon him that way? To my love and my life with Jim, how short lived and unfair it would be if I had to leave now after we were still falling in love with one another. I wished myself to just hang on for a little bit longer, telling my daddy that I wasn't ready to go with him just yuet and to please do something to stall the maker if he was in fact, there to take me beyond this life into the next. Terrified, I knew of only one thing I could do that would calm me down within seconds, something that would bring me back to reality and clear my mind of the fears and irrational circles it was spinning itself into. Something I generally don not do in the presence of others, but tonight I would have done it in from of the entire world I needed it so badly.  I began square breathing, and I didn't stop until the firemen and emts arrived. 

Only 15 short minutes had elapsed from the time I screamed to Jim on the phone that I was dying to the moment those lights and bells were sitting behind me but those 15 minutes felt like 15 years or more. Had i not been doing square breathing there is no way I would have been capable of walking myself up into the ambulance, and there is no way possible that my heart rate would be below 100, my blood pressure 128/96 and my oxygen at 100% after the state of panic I had just gone through. While the emt;s were telling me that everything was fine and it appeared to be a serious panic attack, I heard a soft knock on the window of the ambulance, and I didn't have to open my eyes to know who was standing there asking to be let in, it was Jim. His eyes had worry all over them, he looked afraid, scared, lost but we were together so we were going to be ok. 

And here I am, 3 hours after the worst panic attack of my life sitting here blogging about it and sharing that there was only one thing that saved me tonight......Jacks most valuable tool in my arsenal, SQUARE BREATHING. Just one more validation that something so silly can be so incredibly priceless to know and utilize. Thank you Jack for teaching me your ridiculous technique so that I could will myself back to reality and safely out of what I thought was the end of my life. I'll high five you tomorrow when I see you :) and no, not high five like my family comin at you just a high five for a job well done in teaching this student your best idea ever. )