I now know what it is to experience touch without feeling, scream without a sound, insanity without a mind. I reside within a borrowed shell, it has become crowded but only one of us in here is aware of the space that is no longer fitting for two. I am the constant chatter that is my inner voice, but lack control of it, unable to stop long enough to hear nothing. I have been wearing "me" like a second skin, unknowing and unaware that I am capable of shedding "me" much like a snake sheds its skin. But I am nearing a pivotal moment where a complete transformation is no longer a choice or desire , but one that is expected and inevitable as my capacity for spiritual and psychological growth are exceeded.
To be acutely aware, even if only for a micro second, that the person you once were is no longer is both a painful and sobering realization. Did I even exist before now? Was I really alive or have I died and been reborn? I cannot give a definite answer because I only know what is now, this person that I am. Remembering who I used to be is difficult, things I once enjoyed, the way that I was as a person, I want to recall who I was but then again I don't. If I choose to remember then I am accepting of there being a comparison of myself between then and now, it feels like disappointment to me, makes me envious and angry of all that I can no longer be. What and who do I want to choose to be now? So many things I desire, certain qualities and characteristics that I am unsure of how to manifest within myself. For now I know what I am not and this is all I have to work with in moving forward, trying to put what is gone behind me and forgive myself of the negative and persistent thoughts and doubts so that I have a chance to become someone better.
Of all the things I despise about people somehow I have become a person who is not what I portrayed myself to be. Before this moment I had convinced myself that I was pure at heart, honest, loving, forgiving, mindful of my actions and behaviors so as not to hurt those in my life. But I am realizing that i am none of these things at all, I could never be these things if I have been living as a person who is not connected to myself or the world around me. Every day has been a lie, I made myself and others think that I was strong and that i was ok when that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have self hated, self destructed, been my biggest and worst abuser and ultimately been my own demise. I can see this now, my eyes are opening to see what I have done and it hurts so much more than I ever imagined a soul could hurt. I do not know how to climb out of the grave I have dug for myself, but I either have to find a way out of it or lay down and die.
How do I become someone I can be proud of again? A woman who can look at herself in the mirror and know who is staring back at her, oen who loves who she is and approves of the way she is. I want to awake without fear or blackness swimming inside of me, I want to experience feeling nothing in both body and mind, without worry or doubts and I want to feel what it is to have life inside of my soul once again. To be content with who and where I am, to appreciate the beauty that is all around me no matter where I am because there is nothing but love, this is the gift that my Jim has given to me every moment, every day. that I am blessed with his love.
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October 17, 2016
Before I can open my eyes to the sun, my mind is flooded with all of the new feelings I am experiencing. Only on the inside never physically yet, when I touch my skin I cannot feel it. I watch my hands and fingers trace over my skin but it is so numb and I hate this feeling. Something is shifting within me, that I am certain of and my mind is trying to process what exactly it is that is changing. I am disconnected but somehow, in my mind, I have become connected in a way to the subtle things that I would never see before. An outsider on the inside that is a fitting analogy to what I am feeling lately, occupying one small space in my own mind but the other part of me does not realize I exist, like watching your own body from above, you know it is happening but you can't feel anything.
I am essentially, a stranger inside myself treading softly in my new environment, afraid of the unknown. Nothing has prepared me for this astronomical change within me, there is no text book to read from to direct me on what to do with this newfound me. No teacher for guidance, no peers to relate too and follow from, I am on my own in this part of my journey free to explore who I am and free to decide where I go from here
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October 20, 2016
Each day that passes I am feeling better about my future, better about being hopeful that something has shifted for the better and that I am on my way to having a life that I held little hope of having before my journey with Brain Healing. . Each morning I spend a few minutes looking at myself in the mirror, really looking at who I am and who I see. I stare at myself in the eyes and try to become familiar with the person staring back. It is not easy, it is still incredibly difficult to realize that I don't know this person yet, that I don't know her qualities and her traits, her dreams and aspirations but I finally want to know her and all of these things about her. I will post more about this later.
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