I get mad

July 4th, 2016

I get sad, I get angry

I get lost, I get angry

I get upset, I get angry

I get worried, I get angry

i get confused, I get angry

I get frustrated, I get angry

I get angry......I GET ANGRY

This stupid, endless cycle of confusion, numbness, frustration...all lead to the same place for me. ANGER & RAGE. Nothing I seem to try is helping at all and it comes so quickly it scares even me. I feel nothing in those fits of anger except escalation into a rage that I have very little to no control over. Sometimes square breathing works but that is only if I can remember to do it at the time. How can there be so much rage inside of one person? I used to think that about Jake because he had a million times more rage than I feel and I have never been able to grasp what could have been so tragic to instill that much rage in someone. But now I feel that rage and I can see what it took in my life to get me here....and I hate it. Why can't happiness and peace come so easily? I guess that would be too easy that's why and my life is anything but. 

Different day, different way

July 2, 2016

I wish there was a way to comprehend how drastically different one day can be from the next. This can be just as crazy making as the rest of my struggles, one day feeling like I want to give up and end it all then waking up the next with a completely different feeling and view of my world. Sometimes this is what makes me feel as if I am two different persons existing within one mind. I often tend to "forget" my experience from yesterday or at least the destitute feelings that I was having when I wake up and am having a generally good day, like today. None of the heavy, sad emotions are weighing on me today though I know that just last night I cried myself to sleep with horrible feelings swimming around inside of me. 

I have felt more lonely than I can remember feeling in a very long time and was feeling very angry and hurt by some "friends" in my life. I miss seeing Jack and Freja so much and not sure why I couldn't get myself out of bed the last two weeks to go see them. Most times they are the one thing in my week that ground me back to reality and remind me that I am still a human being who deserves the chance to feel whole again. I don't even know if that is possible but somehow, Jack always seems to be able to make this seem like a genuine possibility. I wonder if he would laugh if I told him that I have slept with "Jack the Rac" every night since he gave me the silly thing. lol It seems so child like and stupid yet brings so much comfort and warmth knowing that it is a symbol of Jack and the work we are doing. Today, JTR is sitting up on my headboard after spending a night getting soaked in my tears. Now he is soaking up the sun and hopefully can recover from the past two weeks of my grieving anger. 

I am off to go soak up the sun myself in the yard, I love being out there and want to enjoy today as it won't last but another 8 hours. :)

Can't believe what you can't see

June 27, 2016

If I were to say to you "God is not real and neither are faith, hope or dreams" what would your thoughts be? Would you think I was crazy, or ignorant or perhaps I was closeminded? Would you laugh at me and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about or would you defend your beliefs in God, faith, hope and dreams by trying to explain to me that yes, they were all very real things? How could you make me believe they were real? What would you say to convince me that they were? Could you convince me with no other tangible proof and nothing but your words? Could you paint me a picture so that I could visualize exactly how they were real based on those words alone? And what if after all of your attempts to make me a believer I still told you that you were a liar and that they are not and cannot be real? Would you be furious with me, angry that I don;t agree, would you keep trying to sway my opinion or would you give up trying to make me see what you see, defeated because there is nothing you can say that will physically show me these things are real? Would your final explanation be that of "you don't have to see these things to know they exist"? and if it were would you be in agreement that your statement could possibly apply to all areas in life of a similar nature?

Now turn this scenario around and imagine this is the world I live in right now with my peers and how frustrating and utterly crazy making it can get. You see, the trauma and the changes in my brain are like God, faith, hope and dreams.....they are things that are not visually tangible and they are things that I cannot paint a picture of for you to see in a way that you will understand and relate to what I am going through. To me these two scenarios are exactly the same as one another but why then do people insist on thinking that because they cannot see inside my brain that the problems are not really there and I am not really suffering? It is very real to me, I am really going through all of the things I say I am, I am tired of trying to convince anyone in my life that this is true and frankly I am sick of people making me feel as if they have any right to question my situation or put me in the position where I feel I am having to justify myself. If you believe that God, faith, hopes and dreams can exist and be real without any physical affirmation then why is it so hard to believe that the same applies to me? 

I am at the point where I no longer care what you think about me or my situation, I don't give a shit if you believe me or don't believe me and I certainly am not going to spend one more moment trying to justify myself to you as to why I am not functioning like I used to be. What right do you have to tell me that I must be lying about having episodes and they can't be that bad simply because you are too ignorant to know that you don't know everything in life? And to top it all off you have the nerve to tell me that YOU deserve to have your phone calls to me answered and an explanation when I am in the midst of having an episode as to why I am indisposed???? I must have been away when you became a Doctor, oh wait you aren't a Doctor! Then why the hell do you pretend to be one? What gives you the right to act as if you are the say all to end all of medical theories when it comes to what I  am going through?

You are selfish and you are ignorant among other things, but mostly you are an idiot for behaving this way when you can't bother to educate yourself about what it is like to suffer from a TBI and have PTSD. Do you have any idea how your psyche might fare after a life such as mine? Nobody knows how they will come out of something traumatic until they come out of it so my advice to you would be to get off of your pedestal and start behaving like a friend should. I don't care to hear your convoluted opinions about what I "should" be doing to get better because I am doing all that I can already and there is nothing I haven't thought of to try and be better. When the day comes that you look in that mirror and realize the kind of person you have become, I hope that someone will be there to help you through the mess you created because that kind of inner battle is not one you can fight alone. My life does not and has not revolved around making you feel better as a person by treating me like shit and if friendship were a job I would fucking quit you like I quit feeling like a human being the day I let everyone tear me down and take what they wanted. 

Can't believe what you can't see

June 27, 2016

If I were to say to you "God is not real and neither are faith, hope or dreams" what would your thoughts be? Would you think I was crazy, or ignorant or perhaps I was closeminded? Would you laugh at me and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about or would you defend your beliefs in God, faith, hope and dreams by trying to explain to me that yes, they were all very real things? How could you make me believe they were real? What would you say to convince me that they were? Could you convince me with no other tangible proof and nothing but your words? Could you paint me a picture so that I could visualize exactly how they were real based on those words alone? And what if after all of your attempts to make me a believer I still told you that you were a liar and that they are not and cannot be real? Would you be furious with me, angry that I don;t agree, would you keep trying to sway my opinion or would you give up trying to make me see what you see, defeated because there is nothing you can say that will physically show me these things are real? Would your final explanation be that of "you don't have to see these things to know they exist"? and if it were would you be in agreement that your statement could possibly apply to all areas in life of a similar nature?

Now turn this scenario around and imagine this is the world I live in right now with my peers and how frustrating and utterly crazy making it can get. You see, the trauma and the changes in my brain are like God, faith, hope and dreams.....they are things that are not visually tangible and they are things that I cannot paint a picture of for you to see in a way that you will understand and relate to what I am going through. To me these two scenarios are exactly the same as one another but why then do people insist on thinking that because they cannot see inside my brain that the problems are not really there and I am not really suffering? It is very real to me, I am really going through all of the things I say I am, I am tired of trying to convince anyone in my life that this is true and frankly I am sick of people making me feel as if they have any right to question my situation or put me in the position where I feel I am having to justify myself. If you believe that God, faith, hopes and dreams can exist and be real without any physical affirmation then why is it so hard to believe that the same applies to me? 

I am at the point where I no longer care what you think about me or my situation, I don't give a shit if you believe me or don't believe me and I certainly am not going to spend one more moment trying to justify myself to you as to why I am not functioning like I used to be. What right do you have to tell me that I must be lying about having episodes and they can't be that bad simply because you are too ignorant to know that you don't know everything in life? And to top it all off you have the nerve to tell me that YOU deserve to have your phone calls to me answered and an explanation when I am in the midst of having an episode as to why I am indisposed???? I must have been away when you became a Doctor, oh wait you aren't a Doctor! Then why the hell do you pretend to be one? What gives you the right to act as if you are the say all to end all of medical theories when it comes to what I  am going through?

You are selfish and you are ignorant among other things, but mostly you are an idiot for behaving this way when you can't bother to educate yourself about what it is like to suffer from a TBI and have PTSD. Do you have any idea how your psyche might fare after a life such as mine? Nobody knows how they will come out of something traumatic until they come out of it so my advice to you would be to get off of your pedestal and start behaving like a friend should. I don't care to hear your convoluted opinions about what I "should" be doing to get better because I am doing all that I can already and there is nothing I haven't thought of to try and be better. When the day comes that you look in that mirror and realize the kind of person you have become, I hope that someone will be there to help you through the mess you created because that kind of inner battle is not one you can fight alone. My life does not and has not revolved around making you feel better as a person by treating me like shit and if friendship were a job I would fucking quit you like I quit feeling like a human being the day I let everyone tear me down and take what they wanted. 

Not so common

June 30, 2016

Today I asked myself "what kind of friend am I to others"? I wanted to evaluate who I was or who I thought I was, as a friend to others. How might I be perceived to them as a friend? I asked this of myself because I need to change something about the kind of friend I am. Why? Well, simple really.......what I have been doing has cost me dearly on a personal level, so much so that the only common denominator in the equation of how friends have treated me then thrown me away, is ME. I am the common tie between all friendships in my life and I am the common one to be discarded and thrown away over and over and I deserve better from someone I call a friend. 

I have tried to be the same, faithful, dependent, helpful friend to everyone in my life. It has always felt natural to be a helper when I see someone in need, or to be friendly to strangers and treat them as if they were already someone I knew. This has been easy for me to do with people and I haven't learned yet in 39 years, that I have to stop putting myself out there for others to take advantage of because it will never change unless I do. For each friendship that I still have I can look at each one of them and see the same things going on. I give too much, they take too much. I consider their feelings, they may or may not consider mine. I am mindful of things that make them happy and try to do things to bring a smile to their face, they are mindful of nothing much, especially other people. Yet I still feel the need to have these people in my life and call them friends. I have watched so many times the same scenario play out in my life, have been the victim too many times of being the easy one to blame things on because I never stand up for myself and just walk away with my pride and feelings hurt over lies and things that were never my doing. 

People who I thought were my closest friends of all, are the ones who have hurt me the most. The ones I never imagined could turn on me have, and they have done it with no remorse at all. I don't know what about me makes me this person for others, how it can be so easy for them to throw me away but something in me or about me is the reason for this and I need to find it so I can remove it from myself. I have spent the last two weeks fighting to find the energy to keep going feeling the way I feel. I have missed the last two appointments with Jack because I was sleeping for 11 hours or more and just couldn't get out of bed. I need my days with Jack and I want them but something in me won't let me have anything I want or need right now and I can't figure it out. I need someone to answer me why I am where I am inside myself because I don't know why and I need the spaces filled in a way that will make sense. I need to feel like I haven't floated away from life completely and that there is still enough time and resources to help me come back and be happy again. 

I don't want to be scared anymore of anything, of being myself, of being a good friend, of being a mother, of being alive. Fear is taking over what used to be strong in me, I feel defeated in everything I try to do and I no longer see a resemblance of who I once was,  anywhere inside of myself. It didn't take much time to watch life and the people in it turn me inside out and destroy who I was as a person. Stripping away the living, breathing component that must make us human was done so quickly that it was too late to prepare for it because it was done by the time I noticed. Everyday I feel as if I have been left to tread choppy ocean waters, some days with circling sharks other days simply all alone. This is me, alone in a place that is so vastly enormous that nobody can see me to save me. Treading tired arms and kicking tired legs, my mind furiously trying to find answers that fit, my hope no longer there that someone will save me before I drown, my voice now so quiet because I know nobody hears my screams for help. I am forced to be a person who is alive but dead inside......I don't want to be a contradiction for life I just want to live and be alive. 

Giving up

June 22, 2016

I don't understand what my life has become or who I am anymore. I don't understand why I tried so hard to be a good person and do the right thing because it has always backfired on me and gotten me nothing. I have taken care of everyone but myself and why I ever thought that was the way to go, I couldn't tell you. How did I place so much importance on everyone but me? Why did I love them all so much more than I loved myself? I placed all the value in the world on people who could care less about anyone in their lives and gave all of mine away. I am the one who was left with this mess to sort out inside myself, I am scared, lonely, lost, angry, confused, I am fed up with it all. 

I have done my best to be a good parent but that hasn't worked for me either. Today after my son decided to lie and say he was sick so he could stay home, I woke up to him being gone to his friends house to help his friends dad out. Wtf? I sit here everyday needing help around the house but my kid can't take the time to bother helping me out. I told him to get home, that I was upset with him for skipping summer school and then leaving to go to a friends house. What do I get for being the parent? I get an angry child who came home and told me how horrible of a parent I was and then I get told to fuck off and fuck you and I'm leaving I hate you. Then I get to hear my child say he is going to kill himself and he hopes I am happy that I ruined his life. 

I honestly, cannot deal with this anymore I have been at my end for some time and I cannot do this anymore. I cannot be abused by everyone around me while they watch me slip away and do nothing to help the situation. I cannot allow them to continue to rip away chunks of what little I have left inside because there is nothing left for them to tear away anymore. I cannot win for trying and I am fucking tired of trying every day of my life. Why can't this stop?? What have i done that won't allow the madness to stop for just one second so I can catch my breath?? How is it possible that this is what life truly is? I used to believe in people and in a world where things were fair and honest but I don't believe in that anymore. I don't know what I believe in anymore, except that I believe life lied to me and always will, that it is made of smoke and mirrors to hide the lies and keep deceiving the people who live in it. Nothing is as I thought it was and I cannot handle that anymore. 

I don't want to feel anymore pain because that is all there is. Jack asked me last week to write down everything I did that made me happy until our next session and in just over a week do you know what I have written down? 3 things I did that made me happy and you know what they all have in common? Me doing something for someone else that's what. So now my kid is gone to god knows where after skipping school and blowing off his own responsibilities and I am left here crying and even more broken as a person and wanting to honestly give up on everything. I don't have the answers on how to keep doing this and living in this dysfunctional world, I try to do the things that Jack teaches me, but I am so fucking tired of coming out on the losing end and I don't have the energy to keep doing it. I just want to give up. 

THE PLACE

June 19 2016

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE WE WERE

WHERE I WASN'T CONFUSED, WHERE I WAS ALWAYS SO SURE

TO THE TIME IN MY LIFE THAT DIDN'T FEEL STRANGE 

WHERE MY MIND AND MY THOUGHTS DIDN'T FEEL REARRANGED 

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I KNEW

WHO I WAS INSIDE & OUT, WHO I WAS THROUGH & THROUGH

TO THE GIRL NOT AFRAID OF PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS

WHO STILL HAD A VOICE, NOW ITS ONLY THERE WHEN SHE SINGS

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I WAS 

WHERE I DIDN'T FEEL PAIN, WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT LIKE IT DOES

TO THE MINUTES & HOURS THAT DIDN'T SLIP BY

WHERE THE TEARS NEVER FELL,WHEN MY EYES DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CRY

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE WHERE I FELT WHOLE 

WHERE THE PIECES STILL FIT, WHERE LIFE HADN'T TAKEN ITS TOLL

TO THE DAYS BEFORE NOW THAT I WASN'T SO LOST

WHERE EVERYTHING THAT I WAS HAD NOT BEEN SPENT AT ALL COST

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE I WISH THE MOST TO BE

WHERE I AWAKE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE, WHERE I AWAKE & IT'S ME

TO A PLACE NOT SO FAR, TO A PLACE I KNOW I BELONG

WHERE UP IS NOT DOWN & WHERE RIGHT CAN NEVER BE WRONG

IF YOU KNOW OF THIS PLACE, COULD YOU SHOW ME THE WAY?

COULD YOU HELP ME BREAK FREE FROM THIS HELL, FROM TODAY?

WOULD YOU CARE JUST ENOUGH, WOULD YOU LEAVE OR CHOOSE TO STAY?

IF YOU CAN'T LEAD ME HOME, I'D UNDERSTAND BUT PLEASE PRAY

PRAY I'M NOT BROKEN, PLEASE, PRAY FOR THE DEVIL TO LEAVE

PRAY IT 'S NOT TOO LATE, PRAY THERE;S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME BELIEVE

THE PLACE

June 19 2016

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE WE WERE

WHERE I WASN'T CONFUSED, WHERE I WAS ALWAYS SO SURE

TO THE TIME IN MY LIFE THAT DIDN'T FEEL STRANGE 

WHERE MY MIND AND MY THOUGHTS DIDN'T FEEL REARRANGED 

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I KNEW

WHO I WAS INSIDE & OUT, WHO I WAS THROUGH & THROUGH

TO THE GIRL NOT AFRAID OF PEOPLE, PLACES OR THINGS

WHO STILL HAD A VOICE, NOW ITS ONLY THERE WHEN SHE SINGS

TAKE ME BACK... TO THE PLACE WHERE I WAS 

WHERE I DIDN'T FEEL PAIN, WHERE IT DOESN'T HURT LIKE IT DOES

TO THE MINUTES & HOURS THAT DIDN'T SLIP BY

WHERE THE TEARS NEVER FELL,WHEN MY EYES DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO CRY

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE WHERE I FELT WHOLE 

WHERE THE PIECES STILL FIT, WHERE LIFE HADN'T TAKEN ITS TOLL

TO THE DAYS BEFORE NOW THAT I WASN'T SO LOST

WHERE EVERYTHING THAT I WAS HAD NOT BEEN SPENT AT ALL COST

TAKE ME BACK...TO THE PLACE I WISH THE MOST TO BE

WHERE I AWAKE FROM THIS NIGHTMARE, WHERE I AWAKE & IT'S ME

TO A PLACE NOT SO FAR, TO A PLACE I KNOW I BELONG

WHERE UP IS NOT DOWN & WHERE RIGHT CAN NEVER BE WRONG

IF YOU KNOW OF THIS PLACE, COULD YOU SHOW ME THE WAY?

COULD YOU HELP ME BREAK FREE FROM THIS HELL, FROM TODAY?

WOULD YOU CARE JUST ENOUGH, WOULD YOU LEAVE OR CHOOSE TO STAY?

IF YOU CAN'T LEAD ME HOME, I'D UNDERSTAND BUT PLEASE PRAY

PRAY I'M NOT BROKEN, PLEASE, PRAY FOR THE DEVIL TO LEAVE

PRAY IT 'S NOT TOO LATE, PRAY THERE;S ENOUGH TO MAKE ME BELIEVE

Alone

June 6, 2016

Feeling very lonely tonight so thought I would take advantage of my solitary time and write some more. I am amazed at how quickly ones life can change without the world skipping a beat isn't it? One moment my life was more than busy, most of my time eaten up in hours spent at the office or spent at home working because I am a workaholic by nature and I loved it. I had friends and rarely spoke to my family, I was a weekend mom and I loved being busy all of the time. It seemed like my phone was always pinging with messages or calls and there wasn't a moment in my day that wasn't occupied with something, I now know why I did this and I think it was because I was too afraid to sit in silence and listen to what was going on inside of me. 

When things started to crumble for me, it wasn't just one or two things that slipped away it was everything all at one time and it feels like it hasn't stopped yet. My phone hardly goes off anymore and I have long since said goodbye to the friends I used to have. As I continue to separate myself from child and the enmeshment my days are getting lonelier because we don't really talk as much as we used to and we certainly aren't hanging out anymore like we did and that sucks to be honest. It has been hard to wrap my head around being just a mother and not my childs friend. I was always afraid to be the mom because deep down I always felt like I would end up being just like my own and that is the last thing I want to be. I miss my kid, I miss our friendship but I know this is the only way that he will truly benefit where it matters so I have to keep reminding myself of this. Gone are the days of feeling needed or wanted by anyone, I no longer feel that I have any value to anyones life really because the people in my life do not need me in order to function, I however do need them to function and it feels pretty damn pathetic. 

I am so sick and tired of this goddamn poor me syndrome that I find myself having, where it came from I cannot explain because I have not ever been a poor me kind of person. I am a problem solver, a healer and mediator so to feel this way is not me. My life does not feel like I have any purpose, rhyme or reason and no matter what I try I cannot force myself to believe that a reason even exists anymore. How is it possible for one to stay in this mindset for so long and not implode? It drives me beyond crazy to say the least and I don;t know how to keep going like this where I will start to feel human again. Where am I? I want and need to find myself again and get grounded to the earth where I stand, I want to feel "normal" feelings and not ones that make me feel awful about myself. I want to be someone that I can love that way I know that others truly love me too so I can stop doubting every good thing in my life. Half the time I am so numb I cant feel anything and the other half I am over sensitive and a mess inside and out, why can't I find the balance I desperately need? 

I see Jack tomorrow and am looking forward to hearing about my brain scan and seeing where we go from here. My days have felt even more empty and lonelier since not being able to see Jack for so long so I know tomorrow will be a better day for me after my session. That is all for now I can't do the pity party anymore tonight and need to sleep. 

Here & There, Nowhere

June 1, 2016

I have no explanation for why It has been so long since I have posted, I have started then forgotten about at least 3 blogs but thought it would be better to post a current one. I have been here, but not feeling much like I am anywhere. I am anxious to see Jack this week as I haven't seen him since last week and notice a difference when I go longer than a week. Right now I am in the midst of a blah state of mind and feelings, emotionally disconnected yet very emotionally tearful especially earlier tonight. Nothing specific making me this way but more a general understanding of what my life consists of anymore including the people in it. I used to be such a social butterfly and enjoyed being around lots of people, never afraid or anxious to meet strangers and always on the go doing something somewhere in public. Now, I am content to hide all the time, it doesn't  bother me tp be away from people and I am learning to prefer not being around other people. 

I am also learning how not to be so "enmeshed" with my son, to be more of a parent than a friend and it is the most challenging thing on my plate right now. It makes me frustrated, sad, lonely, lost and mean. I hate it but know that it is not something I can choose not too do because if I don't do it my son's life will be affected in negative ways and that is not my goal for him. I realize that being a parent is not supposed to be glorified or rewarding in the ways we want it to be, but it is sacrificing much more than our time or money...it is sacrificing yourself as a person in your childs eyes. They aren't supposed to adore us or make us feel wanted or loved, it is our job to make them freel those things without expecting it in return. My son has always been my friend and though I thought that was the right way to be as a parent for mysefl, I am learning that it has created no boundaries between us and trying to implement them in his teen years is not such an easy task. 

I think that dealing with this as well as people in my life who are supposed to be my friend but who have been acting less than that has made me feel overwhelmed. I really wanted to write more tonight but honestly, I am so blah that I cannot even force myself to write more.......ugh im sorry