Not so common

June 30, 2016

Today I asked myself "what kind of friend am I to others"? I wanted to evaluate who I was or who I thought I was, as a friend to others. How might I be perceived to them as a friend? I asked this of myself because I need to change something about the kind of friend I am. Why? Well, simple really.......what I have been doing has cost me dearly on a personal level, so much so that the only common denominator in the equation of how friends have treated me then thrown me away, is ME. I am the common tie between all friendships in my life and I am the common one to be discarded and thrown away over and over and I deserve better from someone I call a friend. 

I have tried to be the same, faithful, dependent, helpful friend to everyone in my life. It has always felt natural to be a helper when I see someone in need, or to be friendly to strangers and treat them as if they were already someone I knew. This has been easy for me to do with people and I haven't learned yet in 39 years, that I have to stop putting myself out there for others to take advantage of because it will never change unless I do. For each friendship that I still have I can look at each one of them and see the same things going on. I give too much, they take too much. I consider their feelings, they may or may not consider mine. I am mindful of things that make them happy and try to do things to bring a smile to their face, they are mindful of nothing much, especially other people. Yet I still feel the need to have these people in my life and call them friends. I have watched so many times the same scenario play out in my life, have been the victim too many times of being the easy one to blame things on because I never stand up for myself and just walk away with my pride and feelings hurt over lies and things that were never my doing. 

People who I thought were my closest friends of all, are the ones who have hurt me the most. The ones I never imagined could turn on me have, and they have done it with no remorse at all. I don't know what about me makes me this person for others, how it can be so easy for them to throw me away but something in me or about me is the reason for this and I need to find it so I can remove it from myself. I have spent the last two weeks fighting to find the energy to keep going feeling the way I feel. I have missed the last two appointments with Jack because I was sleeping for 11 hours or more and just couldn't get out of bed. I need my days with Jack and I want them but something in me won't let me have anything I want or need right now and I can't figure it out. I need someone to answer me why I am where I am inside myself because I don't know why and I need the spaces filled in a way that will make sense. I need to feel like I haven't floated away from life completely and that there is still enough time and resources to help me come back and be happy again. 

I don't want to be scared anymore of anything, of being myself, of being a good friend, of being a mother, of being alive. Fear is taking over what used to be strong in me, I feel defeated in everything I try to do and I no longer see a resemblance of who I once was,  anywhere inside of myself. It didn't take much time to watch life and the people in it turn me inside out and destroy who I was as a person. Stripping away the living, breathing component that must make us human was done so quickly that it was too late to prepare for it because it was done by the time I noticed. Everyday I feel as if I have been left to tread choppy ocean waters, some days with circling sharks other days simply all alone. This is me, alone in a place that is so vastly enormous that nobody can see me to save me. Treading tired arms and kicking tired legs, my mind furiously trying to find answers that fit, my hope no longer there that someone will save me before I drown, my voice now so quiet because I know nobody hears my screams for help. I am forced to be a person who is alive but dead inside......I don't want to be a contradiction for life I just want to live and be alive.