Different day, different way

July 2, 2016

I wish there was a way to comprehend how drastically different one day can be from the next. This can be just as crazy making as the rest of my struggles, one day feeling like I want to give up and end it all then waking up the next with a completely different feeling and view of my world. Sometimes this is what makes me feel as if I am two different persons existing within one mind. I often tend to "forget" my experience from yesterday or at least the destitute feelings that I was having when I wake up and am having a generally good day, like today. None of the heavy, sad emotions are weighing on me today though I know that just last night I cried myself to sleep with horrible feelings swimming around inside of me. 

I have felt more lonely than I can remember feeling in a very long time and was feeling very angry and hurt by some "friends" in my life. I miss seeing Jack and Freja so much and not sure why I couldn't get myself out of bed the last two weeks to go see them. Most times they are the one thing in my week that ground me back to reality and remind me that I am still a human being who deserves the chance to feel whole again. I don't even know if that is possible but somehow, Jack always seems to be able to make this seem like a genuine possibility. I wonder if he would laugh if I told him that I have slept with "Jack the Rac" every night since he gave me the silly thing. lol It seems so child like and stupid yet brings so much comfort and warmth knowing that it is a symbol of Jack and the work we are doing. Today, JTR is sitting up on my headboard after spending a night getting soaked in my tears. Now he is soaking up the sun and hopefully can recover from the past two weeks of my grieving anger. 

I am off to go soak up the sun myself in the yard, I love being out there and want to enjoy today as it won't last but another 8 hours. :)