I don't understand what my life has become or who I am anymore. I don't understand why I tried so hard to be a good person and do the right thing because it has always backfired on me and gotten me nothing. I have taken care of everyone but myself and why I ever thought that was the way to go, I couldn't tell you. How did I place so much importance on everyone but me? Why did I love them all so much more than I loved myself? I placed all the value in the world on people who could care less about anyone in their lives and gave all of mine away. I am the one who was left with this mess to sort out inside myself, I am scared, lonely, lost, angry, confused, I am fed up with it all.
I have done my best to be a good parent but that hasn't worked for me either. Today after my son decided to lie and say he was sick so he could stay home, I woke up to him being gone to his friends house to help his friends dad out. Wtf? I sit here everyday needing help around the house but my kid can't take the time to bother helping me out. I told him to get home, that I was upset with him for skipping summer school and then leaving to go to a friends house. What do I get for being the parent? I get an angry child who came home and told me how horrible of a parent I was and then I get told to fuck off and fuck you and I'm leaving I hate you. Then I get to hear my child say he is going to kill himself and he hopes I am happy that I ruined his life.
I honestly, cannot deal with this anymore I have been at my end for some time and I cannot do this anymore. I cannot be abused by everyone around me while they watch me slip away and do nothing to help the situation. I cannot allow them to continue to rip away chunks of what little I have left inside because there is nothing left for them to tear away anymore. I cannot win for trying and I am fucking tired of trying every day of my life. Why can't this stop?? What have i done that won't allow the madness to stop for just one second so I can catch my breath?? How is it possible that this is what life truly is? I used to believe in people and in a world where things were fair and honest but I don't believe in that anymore. I don't know what I believe in anymore, except that I believe life lied to me and always will, that it is made of smoke and mirrors to hide the lies and keep deceiving the people who live in it. Nothing is as I thought it was and I cannot handle that anymore.
I don't want to feel anymore pain because that is all there is. Jack asked me last week to write down everything I did that made me happy until our next session and in just over a week do you know what I have written down? 3 things I did that made me happy and you know what they all have in common? Me doing something for someone else that's what. So now my kid is gone to god knows where after skipping school and blowing off his own responsibilities and I am left here crying and even more broken as a person and wanting to honestly give up on everything. I don't have the answers on how to keep doing this and living in this dysfunctional world, I try to do the things that Jack teaches me, but I am so fucking tired of coming out on the losing end and I don't have the energy to keep doing it. I just want to give up.
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