Feeling very lonely tonight so thought I would take advantage of my solitary time and write some more. I am amazed at how quickly ones life can change without the world skipping a beat isn't it? One moment my life was more than busy, most of my time eaten up in hours spent at the office or spent at home working because I am a workaholic by nature and I loved it. I had friends and rarely spoke to my family, I was a weekend mom and I loved being busy all of the time. It seemed like my phone was always pinging with messages or calls and there wasn't a moment in my day that wasn't occupied with something, I now know why I did this and I think it was because I was too afraid to sit in silence and listen to what was going on inside of me.
When things started to crumble for me, it wasn't just one or two things that slipped away it was everything all at one time and it feels like it hasn't stopped yet. My phone hardly goes off anymore and I have long since said goodbye to the friends I used to have. As I continue to separate myself from child and the enmeshment my days are getting lonelier because we don't really talk as much as we used to and we certainly aren't hanging out anymore like we did and that sucks to be honest. It has been hard to wrap my head around being just a mother and not my childs friend. I was always afraid to be the mom because deep down I always felt like I would end up being just like my own and that is the last thing I want to be. I miss my kid, I miss our friendship but I know this is the only way that he will truly benefit where it matters so I have to keep reminding myself of this. Gone are the days of feeling needed or wanted by anyone, I no longer feel that I have any value to anyones life really because the people in my life do not need me in order to function, I however do need them to function and it feels pretty damn pathetic.
I am so sick and tired of this goddamn poor me syndrome that I find myself having, where it came from I cannot explain because I have not ever been a poor me kind of person. I am a problem solver, a healer and mediator so to feel this way is not me. My life does not feel like I have any purpose, rhyme or reason and no matter what I try I cannot force myself to believe that a reason even exists anymore. How is it possible for one to stay in this mindset for so long and not implode? It drives me beyond crazy to say the least and I don;t know how to keep going like this where I will start to feel human again. Where am I? I want and need to find myself again and get grounded to the earth where I stand, I want to feel "normal" feelings and not ones that make me feel awful about myself. I want to be someone that I can love that way I know that others truly love me too so I can stop doubting every good thing in my life. Half the time I am so numb I cant feel anything and the other half I am over sensitive and a mess inside and out, why can't I find the balance I desperately need?
I see Jack tomorrow and am looking forward to hearing about my brain scan and seeing where we go from here. My days have felt even more empty and lonelier since not being able to see Jack for so long so I know tomorrow will be a better day for me after my session. That is all for now I can't do the pity party anymore tonight and need to sleep.
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