I have no explanation for why It has been so long since I have posted, I have started then forgotten about at least 3 blogs but thought it would be better to post a current one. I have been here, but not feeling much like I am anywhere. I am anxious to see Jack this week as I haven't seen him since last week and notice a difference when I go longer than a week. Right now I am in the midst of a blah state of mind and feelings, emotionally disconnected yet very emotionally tearful especially earlier tonight. Nothing specific making me this way but more a general understanding of what my life consists of anymore including the people in it. I used to be such a social butterfly and enjoyed being around lots of people, never afraid or anxious to meet strangers and always on the go doing something somewhere in public. Now, I am content to hide all the time, it doesn't bother me tp be away from people and I am learning to prefer not being around other people.
I am also learning how not to be so "enmeshed" with my son, to be more of a parent than a friend and it is the most challenging thing on my plate right now. It makes me frustrated, sad, lonely, lost and mean. I hate it but know that it is not something I can choose not too do because if I don't do it my son's life will be affected in negative ways and that is not my goal for him. I realize that being a parent is not supposed to be glorified or rewarding in the ways we want it to be, but it is sacrificing much more than our time or money...it is sacrificing yourself as a person in your childs eyes. They aren't supposed to adore us or make us feel wanted or loved, it is our job to make them freel those things without expecting it in return. My son has always been my friend and though I thought that was the right way to be as a parent for mysefl, I am learning that it has created no boundaries between us and trying to implement them in his teen years is not such an easy task.
I think that dealing with this as well as people in my life who are supposed to be my friend but who have been acting less than that has made me feel overwhelmed. I really wanted to write more tonight but honestly, I am so blah that I cannot even force myself to write more.......ugh im sorry
Chelle,
ReplyDeleteWhat huge insights!!!
I believe that being a parent is the toughest job in the world. You are right on target with your feelings and perceptions! You have both my sympathy and support. I look forward to our session next Tuesday. It may not feel like it but this type of insight is huge progress! You will be social again. Take really good care of yourself!
Jack