Lonely

July 22 2016

As I wander around my house this evening, I am acutely aware of a setting in front of me that I am unfamiliar with. There are boxes of things, some still in bags, some with tags still on them, that I have no memory of buying or bringing home. I do this often, go to look for something and find other things I couldn't remember buying. I feel like a stranger in my own body and my own home, I hate this odd feeling that has been my existence for a while now. I get glimpses of my life and myself but not enough to know that it is really real for me. I am feeling very emotional tonight and crying for no apparent reason, I just feel lonely, lost, I feel no sense of purpose for anything at all. I feel abandoned for some reason, though I am not sure how I know what abandoned feels like, I just think this must be the feeling. I am so sad tonight, and alone. I wish that I could find life again. 

AWAKENING

JULY 18, 2016

SHELTERED FROM AIR & LIGHT, DARKNESS ENVELOPS WHAT IS LEFT OF MY SOUL

HEAVY, ECHOES OF MY LABORED BREATHING ARE THE ONLY SOUND.NOW.

HOLLOW I AM,  MY FEEBLE & WEAKENED SHELL EATEN ALIVE BY THE PITS OF HELL

DISTANT & FOREIGN IS MY VOICE WHEN I TRY TO SPEAK, NOBODYS LISTENING

IN THIS PLACE I HAVE BEEN EVERYTHING AND I AM NOTHING, HOW CAN I EXIST?

RESULTS OF A FRACTURED MIND, MY SURVIVAL, MY DEMISE, IT IS MY PSYCHOSIS 

IT IS MY EVERY FEAR & WORRY BALLED UP INSIDE ME, RETRACTING FROM ITSELF

THIS TANGLED MESS HAS BEEN MY SURVIVAL & MY STRENGTH, WHAT HAS KEPT ME ALIVE. 

I HAVE BEEN HERE IN THIS PLACE FOR SO LONG THAT I DON'T WANT TO COME OUT

THE LIGHT WILL HURT MY EYES THE AIR WILL BURN MY LUNGS, SO I STAY

DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS COULD HAVE PASSED BY NOW, THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL

I AM HOLDING ONTO LIFE WITHOUT REALIZING THAT I AM ALSO HOLIDNG ONTO DEATH

SO I GIVE IN & TRY TO TRUST WHAT LIES ABOVE ME, NOT YET BELIEVING 

JUST DECIDING TO TRY & STEP AWAY FROM THE DARK PLACE TO SEE IF I CAN

TO FEEL WHAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN, TO KNOW IF I WILL PERISH BECAUSE OF IT

MY BODY ACHES FROM BEING IN THIS POSITION, MY MIND IS FOGGY & UNCLEAR

THE PAIN IN MY CHEST BECOMES GREATER & MY VISION PLAYS OUT LKE A MOVIE

FADING IN & OUT, SOUNDS NOT PRIMARY JUST BACKGROUND NOISE, A FILLER

EVERY SENSE EVENTUALLY HEIGHTENED, COLORS SO VIBRANT, I CAN ALMOST FEEL AGAIN

THINGS FEEL STRANGE YET FAMILIAR, HAVE I BEEN TO THIS NEW PLACE BEFORE?

I AM UNSURE, UNSTEADY, I FEEL SO OUT OF PLACE HERE CAN'T I JUST GO BACK?

I WANT TO RETREAT BUT I AM BLOCKED, A FORCE STRONGER THAN I WONT LET ME

IT'S TOO HARD TO LIVE HERE, I WON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO OR HOW TO EXIST HERE

I AM TOO TIRED TO FIGHT THIS, SO I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT I AM WHAT IS NOW

I AM NOT WHAT I WAS AND CANNOT BE WHAT WILL BE, JUST WHAT IS NOW

HERE, WHERE TIME HASN'T STOPPED I MUST REMEMBER HOW TO DO THIS AGAIN

I AM AFRAID, I AM LOST, I AM ALONE JUST AS I WAS IN THE DARK PLACE 

ONLY HERE I AM NOT REALLY ALONE AND I DESPISE THE CHATTER, ITS TOO LOUD

MAYBE I WONT HAVE TO STAY HERE TOO LONG, I WANT TO GO HOME 

WHERE I WAS, WHERE I BELONG, WHERE I AM WELCOME TO STAY FOREVER

Neurofeedback #2

July 14, 2016

Today was my second session this week doing neurofeedback and I wanted to note my thoughts on it. Todays session was great as I enjoyed changing from the butterflies scene to the sprites, I think my brain responded more to them and it was visually much better from my view. On Tuesday I had quite a deep headache after neuro and it hasn't gone away, in fact after today it is much worse almost to a migraine stage with pressure in my head behind my eyes especially. Kathleen thought it could be due to straining my eyes too much but I tried to relax them today as much as possible. I feel very almost angry today after neuro...maybe not angry agitated would be the right word but it is possible this is because my head is hurting so much and my fuse is a bit short because of it. 

My thinking is ok but I notice that the pressure in my head is making it difficult to think and feeling somewhat spacey more than usual. I have made sure to drink lots of water and two Ibuprofen 800 pills have not touched my headache still and it is nearing midnight. I am going to take one more and drink a glass of water then try to lay down. I have my blue blocker glasses on and hoping they will help. 

It finally makes sense!

July 13, 2016

Short post.......Jacob and I were talking today and it came up that we wished there was a way for me to explain to him what is going on in my brain in a way he could really grasp and understand. I came up with the following example and he lit up..he said it finally made sense to him and he really got what was going on in a sense! This is a huge breakthrough for us...yay for aha moments!

Imagine an Orange, perfect and round, a soft inner core with a tough skin to protect it. Imagine playing ball with that orange, baseball, soccer, whatever you can do to kick it around and hit it. After you have done this take a look at the orange and examine it....the outer skin is still in tact and looks fine on the outside just like it did when you started. Now cut that orange open and what do you think you will see? A mushy and bruised fruit that shows all the damage of being hit and tossed around. You didn't think it would look that way because the outside looked just fine didn't it? 

This gave my son the aha moment that we needed! He said it finally made sense to him, he could visualize my brain as the orange looking fine on the outside but not so fine inside. I felt like something changed between us and I am grateful for the moment....today was a great day

One small seed

JULY 10, 2016

There will come a day when odds say things must turn around and all of the trauma and heartache in ones life will cease. I need this to happen for me before I cease to exist in both spirit and body.....I was destined to believe that I could not wait for this day to come because the pain was so unbearable, that it wasn't possible for one person to carry on for as long as I have this way. But for whatever reason I woke up this morning and felt a little different, thought a little differently than I usually do and my heart wasn't as heavy as it is on most mornings. I felt a small glimpse of hope that I have a chance to be me again, to feel like I belong in this body and that it might be possible for my mind to become stronger than it is weak if I just hang on long enough to get through the Neurofeedback. 

I want to believe that this can happen because if I choose to believe otherwise then I am choosing to believe that my life ends this way with me losing my mind and myself and I am not ready to accept that just yet. I know that my blogs are full of depression, sadness, anger, hopeless but I need others to see that is who I am right now. That this is who I have become because of the effects of what years of abuse has left me with. I need someone to see the struggle I am fighting because if nobody sees it, then I think that it won't make it real for me. I need to know that this hasn't been an imagination of my mind, and if someone else can see it too then it must be real right? I don't want to die a broken and confused mess of a once strong and vibrant woman I want to find myself again and I want to feel something other than despair and loss. I want to be able to recognize the woman in the mirror who looks at me everyday and I want to be able to love her like I used to love me. I want to wake up after sleeping through the entire night without having had any nightmares or feeling scared, and I want to be happy with the way my life turned out because I know that I still deserve for myself to know what I have is true and genuine love. 

This blog wasn't meant to be happy and misleading or full of bullshit, it was meant to be very real and show the parts of me that I am living with everyday while on this journey.    I hasn't been and won't be very pretty but maybe, just maybe by the time this journey is at its end we will both begin to see what was dark and dying become something that is filled with light and love. Maybe that is the fight I need to hang onto to get through this, I don't want to let those who have taken that girl away from me, win in the end. Even if this feeling today only lasts until today ends and I go back to the mess I am tomorrow that is ok. Because that still means that I am in here somewhere inside of the darkness, that a part of me still lives in me and all it takes is one small seed to make something grow and flourish with life. So my seed hasn't been taken away, it is still there and it still deserves the chance to see light again before I accept that the light is gone. 

First place Fathers Day Poem

July 8th 2016

I won First Place in a writing contest on a Fathers Day poem.Written by me June 2016 and of course, written about my father.

Wishful thinking

If time could take us backwards, change what happened in the end
I’d wish for one more day, one more day with you to spend
I’d wish for one more night spent sitting in your room
Reading from the bible and singing you a tune
One more summer day spent fishing at your side, 
One more summer day with you before you died
One more home cooked meal I would gladly make for you
One more sunday morning just like we used to do
One more campfire night making s’mores and making smiles
One more wedding night to have you walk me down the aisle
One more drunken weekend with tequila rose and pool
One more drunken weekend, Fat Bottom Girls will always rule
One more early morning, a cup of joe and cigarette
One more early morning i could awake without regret
One more hug from you, one more grin upon your face
One more hug from you, just one final last embrace
One more conversation even it it were by phone, 
One more “Dad I love you”, if only I had known
One more chance to tell you all the things that went unsaid,
One more chance to bring you back, make living from the dead
If time could take us backwards give us back what we once had, 
I’d wish for one more day, one more day spent with you Dad.

Too much sleep

July 5 2016

I have slept more in the past two weeks than I have in the last two years.  I have slept an anywhere from 10-16 hours a day which is very not like me at all as I usually cannot sleep at all without getting up 5 times a night. Just an observation that's all

I get mad

July 4th, 2016

I get sad, I get angry

I get lost, I get angry

I get upset, I get angry

I get worried, I get angry

i get confused, I get angry

I get frustrated, I get angry

I get angry......I GET ANGRY

This stupid, endless cycle of confusion, numbness, frustration...all lead to the same place for me. ANGER & RAGE. Nothing I seem to try is helping at all and it comes so quickly it scares even me. I feel nothing in those fits of anger except escalation into a rage that I have very little to no control over. Sometimes square breathing works but that is only if I can remember to do it at the time. How can there be so much rage inside of one person? I used to think that about Jake because he had a million times more rage than I feel and I have never been able to grasp what could have been so tragic to instill that much rage in someone. But now I feel that rage and I can see what it took in my life to get me here....and I hate it. Why can't happiness and peace come so easily? I guess that would be too easy that's why and my life is anything but. 

Different day, different way

July 2, 2016

I wish there was a way to comprehend how drastically different one day can be from the next. This can be just as crazy making as the rest of my struggles, one day feeling like I want to give up and end it all then waking up the next with a completely different feeling and view of my world. Sometimes this is what makes me feel as if I am two different persons existing within one mind. I often tend to "forget" my experience from yesterday or at least the destitute feelings that I was having when I wake up and am having a generally good day, like today. None of the heavy, sad emotions are weighing on me today though I know that just last night I cried myself to sleep with horrible feelings swimming around inside of me. 

I have felt more lonely than I can remember feeling in a very long time and was feeling very angry and hurt by some "friends" in my life. I miss seeing Jack and Freja so much and not sure why I couldn't get myself out of bed the last two weeks to go see them. Most times they are the one thing in my week that ground me back to reality and remind me that I am still a human being who deserves the chance to feel whole again. I don't even know if that is possible but somehow, Jack always seems to be able to make this seem like a genuine possibility. I wonder if he would laugh if I told him that I have slept with "Jack the Rac" every night since he gave me the silly thing. lol It seems so child like and stupid yet brings so much comfort and warmth knowing that it is a symbol of Jack and the work we are doing. Today, JTR is sitting up on my headboard after spending a night getting soaked in my tears. Now he is soaking up the sun and hopefully can recover from the past two weeks of my grieving anger. 

I am off to go soak up the sun myself in the yard, I love being out there and want to enjoy today as it won't last but another 8 hours. :)