One small seed

JULY 10, 2016

There will come a day when odds say things must turn around and all of the trauma and heartache in ones life will cease. I need this to happen for me before I cease to exist in both spirit and body.....I was destined to believe that I could not wait for this day to come because the pain was so unbearable, that it wasn't possible for one person to carry on for as long as I have this way. But for whatever reason I woke up this morning and felt a little different, thought a little differently than I usually do and my heart wasn't as heavy as it is on most mornings. I felt a small glimpse of hope that I have a chance to be me again, to feel like I belong in this body and that it might be possible for my mind to become stronger than it is weak if I just hang on long enough to get through the Neurofeedback. 

I want to believe that this can happen because if I choose to believe otherwise then I am choosing to believe that my life ends this way with me losing my mind and myself and I am not ready to accept that just yet. I know that my blogs are full of depression, sadness, anger, hopeless but I need others to see that is who I am right now. That this is who I have become because of the effects of what years of abuse has left me with. I need someone to see the struggle I am fighting because if nobody sees it, then I think that it won't make it real for me. I need to know that this hasn't been an imagination of my mind, and if someone else can see it too then it must be real right? I don't want to die a broken and confused mess of a once strong and vibrant woman I want to find myself again and I want to feel something other than despair and loss. I want to be able to recognize the woman in the mirror who looks at me everyday and I want to be able to love her like I used to love me. I want to wake up after sleeping through the entire night without having had any nightmares or feeling scared, and I want to be happy with the way my life turned out because I know that I still deserve for myself to know what I have is true and genuine love. 

This blog wasn't meant to be happy and misleading or full of bullshit, it was meant to be very real and show the parts of me that I am living with everyday while on this journey.    I hasn't been and won't be very pretty but maybe, just maybe by the time this journey is at its end we will both begin to see what was dark and dying become something that is filled with light and love. Maybe that is the fight I need to hang onto to get through this, I don't want to let those who have taken that girl away from me, win in the end. Even if this feeling today only lasts until today ends and I go back to the mess I am tomorrow that is ok. Because that still means that I am in here somewhere inside of the darkness, that a part of me still lives in me and all it takes is one small seed to make something grow and flourish with life. So my seed hasn't been taken away, it is still there and it still deserves the chance to see light again before I accept that the light is gone.