5 More Minutes

February 26, 2016

5 more minutes is the difference between dying and wanting to live again. A million of them have passed as I struggled to survive my existence with Jake, and those 5 minutes were what kept me alive.   

5 more minutes, I told myself....then I can do whatever it is that will stop my pain and end my life. When things got so bad that all I could think about was ending it, I forced myself to wait 5 more minutes before deciding. Then when my time was up if I still felt like I had no other option, wait another 5 minutes. 

5 more minutes was what 6 years of my life was lived by when I was married to Jake. Almost daily I had to resort to forcing myself to wait just 5 more minutes, it ultimately allowed me to remain in this world just a little longer without giving Jake the very last piece of myself; the seed that is deep inside each of us that contains the structure of what it is to be a human being. For most, 5 minutes feels like seconds, passing by so quick they failed to notice the hands on the clock had ever moved. But for me, 5 minutes were long, drawn out and agonizing; each second that ticked by was like a grenade going off inside my head. I can still hear each one passing by,  "tick-boom!" "tick-boom!" tick-boom!" Imagine hearing that 300 times for every moment in your day that you  needed just 5 more minutes to make it through. 

Maybe this is where my disconnect from time comes from because each second was like a minute, each minute like an hour. After being freed from my life with Jake I have been unable to connect actual time with the clock in my mind. Time is something that I struggle with daily and is a constant reminder as I have to set alarms for just about everything I have to do for the day or I lose track so badly that I have found myself losing an entire day without being present to it. For the first time since Jake, I no longer feel forced to wait 5 more minutes because my life no longer feels that close to being extinct for me. Yes, I have had to use this method to get through painful things like the grief of losing  my beloved Pit Bull Gracie who was killed by my father in law. I have used 5 minutes to manage the grief of losing Jake after he pushed himself his wheelchair in front of a truck, getting stuck underneath the Toyota 4-Runner that drug him for over 100 yards before the driver realized that he was underneath it. I have used 5 more minutes to find acceptance in my friends choice to confide in me that he intended to end his life and wanted me to take his things and be the one who was there to help his family after he was gone.  5 more minutes was what it took after my father died and the reality of what he went through the last year of his life set in for me. And it was also what got me through the grief and shock of my fathers best friend, a man like a brother to me who took his own life this year by taking my fathers pills that had been left at his place. He was found holding onto the last letter I had written to him, surrounded by the photos of my father that he had asked me to mail him, and wearing daddys treasured silver watch with the Ford emblem etched into it. This has been the last 5 years of my life that has been survived by just 5 more minutes. 

Even as I a writing this I am questioning who I have been for all of those 5 minutes of time. The person I envision as I write is far different from the person that I feel I am in actuality. Behind my keyboard as I type I am aware that who I am being in this moment is not who I am being while in the presence of others. 5 more minutes may have extended my physical presence but it has created the fact that in person I have become very skilled at appearing to be more in control and ok than I truly am. I feel this may be a very bad thing for me because in situations such as my sessions with Jack, I find it easy to appear "gathered" and not falling apart wreck of a spirit that I am actually feeling on the inside. I am very much a people pleaser, accommodating those around me so as to not make waves. And while who I am being during my sessions is a version of me, I am realizing that I don't have to be the sugar coated version of myself for Jack and need to perhaps brush some of it off and be more genuine in my pain. 

In just 5 more minutes I will.......

This cannot really be me....

February 26, 2016

Sitting here tonight, reading the things I wrote when my dad passed away has me crying and extremely sorrowful. There have been days since he has gone that I was sure he was still with me, just a phone call away at any time. Yes, I believed this so much that several times I have picked up the phone to text or call him because I need so much to hear his voice. Shortly after daddy passed Jim and I were hanging out in our bedroom. I was folding laundry and Jim decided to check the voicemail on our home phone, which we almost never use or listen too. As we were talking, the messages played on most of them automated messages that were nothing, and then there was one. One of my father, his voice proud and smiling saying "Hi Michelle, it's daddy I love you and I miss you, i'll talk to you soon! ok, bye bye" 

I nearly dropped to the floor, unable to breath because I had no idea that he had even called me on that phone. But he did, 1 day before going on life support he left that message for me and I still listen to it almost every day since. The thought of being able to weather through the devastations and tragedies that life gives us all blows me away. How we have adapted to life with so much change in a way that we are functioning is unclear to me, and fascinates me to no end. We are incredibly complex in our existence, our brains are not ever not working to adapt to what is going on in any moment. Even while we sleep our brains are hard at work to make sure we can continue living, I just wish I knew this girl that I was during this time in my life. When I read my own words I have very little to no recollection of writing them. I love the fluidity in my words, the way I am able to visually paint a picture that makes me feel as if I am right there in that very moment experiencing what I was writing about. 

This is confusing to me, that I don't remember my words or the things that I write. Most often when I am writing I do not go back over it to re read it, I just write and then either post it on one of my poetry sites or save it to my Writings file for someone to find after I am long gone from this earth. It feels good to write on here knowing that somebody will read what I have to say. My son and even Jim at times, have expressed that when I speak about something it feels like I am lecturing because it is on a level much different than theirs. My entire life people have told me that I am too intense, that I am too deep and that my conversations take them to places they cannot help but get emotional. So, I have accepted that my thoughts and writings will remain silent while I am alive and hope that someday, those who love me might find comfort in reading my words when I am gone. 

I do not know if anyone else will ever read all of this journey but I am ok with it. I do not need validation from anyone about the way I feel and if what I say is acceptable. If it isn't I do not care because anyone reading this can simply close this page and forget they read it. I think that I need this blog to keep me moving forward in my progress and I have every intention of being as honest and transparent as possible in the small chance that someone like myself might someday read my blog, and that it might help them on their journey in finding themselves. Why are certain people gifted with characteristics and traits that nobody will ever see or know? Why do I have so many things to say about life yet nobody is listening? I cannot make sense of alot of things in life, and this is one of the things that I think about often.

Out of the blogs I have posted, there are about 5 that I have not finished yet. They are the beginnings of the pieces to my life that are the most painful and when the time is right I will post them too. It is a bit scary to imagine where I would be in my journey without the guidance of Jack to reassure me that I am worth all of this. His presence in mind alone is powerful enough to remind me that life does exist outside of my sheltered and scared self, I hope that he knows that long after our journey together has ended because it can be the difference between my choosing to stay, or choosing to go some days. I hope everyone can find their Jack Stell to do the same for them, it makes the hard parts seem a little easier to get through knowing that we are never truly alone.....don't give up just yet.

Published speech given at the VA Hospital for my dad

I thought I would share more of my experience in my fathers death and how I felt about it after he had gone. The VA Hospital does something extraordinary twice a year for all of the Veterans that have passed away in their hospital. They ask the families of those who have passed participate in a memorial to honor them. They asked us to bring photos and to give a speech if we felt comfortable. I took the time to personally share my experience with them to let them know how much it meant to us to be treated with such honor and respect. In reading this again it is hard to imagine that this was really me speaking in front of all of those people, I know it was me but then again I don't. At the end of my speech several people came up to me including a reporter, and they asked for copies and if they could publish me in the VA Newsletter. It was quite a day and even more so that people wanted to share my letter. It made me feel good just like writing always does, I just haven't shared much of myself with the world in this way so I am learning as I go. :) 

Va memorial speech

I would like to think that there are other angels here with us today in the spirit of our loved ones, & i find comfort knowing that i am not alone as we all share in our grief. When i was told i would be able to say a few words about my dad, i decided to use this opportunity to instead give recognition to the doctors, nurses and amazing staff at the va as i felt you could better relate to that than hear me speak of a man you never knew.

In those moments we have all sadly experienced when our loves ones passed there are things we felt but didn’t get to say to those who were taking care of them. I cannot recall a time when the staff up in icu wasn’t in my fathers room or right outside his door providing him comfort and company all hours of the day. Every day of the 3 weeks he was here was filled with love, hope, care, friendship, and dedication as the doctors worked around the clock to find a solution to extend his life. The amount of heart that went into his care showed a level of humanity i had not expected to see & though each day that passed was taking its toll on my fathers body, his spirits and happiness grew.

On the days i couldn’t be here, i always knew that my dad was not alone or scared because i could count on the nurses to keep him company. He never felt once felt hopeless and was honored and respected in ways he had never known in his short life. Each one the staff made sure to keep me informed of my dads daily progress, changes & prognosis and were in touch by phone with me daily. When the doctors and nurses treat your loved one as they would their own family you know that god has blessed you beyond belief as it provides a level of peace even in the darkest of days.

I can only hope that each of you share in my beautiful interactions with the va as your loved one stayed here, and hope that you too see that even in our time of loss we were being given gifts to hang onto and hold forever in our hearts. For the 3 days my father was on life support there was a nurse in his room 24 hours a day,  he was never left alone and on the morning of his passing i remember how touched i was when dr schwartz cried as we had to make the decision to say goodbye. He told me how sorry he was that it had come to this, that he couldn’t make my dad better and that he had done all he possibly could to do so. I believed him in that moment and i believe him still,

So today while we honor all of our loved ones i want to take this moment to honor the staff here at the va as well. To say thank you for your services to our families. Thank you for watching over my father, for giving him hope, friendship, comfort, care, respect and love. For being there for him when i could not be, for easing his pain and fears and for helping him find peace in those last few precious days of his life. Thank you for choosing to do what you do because without you i cannot imagine what our experience would have been like. Your compassion for what you do and the level of humanity you poses is commendable and highly respected, and each of you have found a place in my heart that will hold you there forever.

You have proven that even in the depths of suffering and impending death, an honored & respected soul can find new life in his departure as hope & love were with him until the end. Thank you

Triggers

February 23, 2016

After today's session with Jack, I found myself in the situation of there being a good chance at having an episode. I stopped myself to really think about all the things I was feeling and thinking from trigger to exploding and here is what I observed:

1. The trigger-my son disrespecting me
2. First thought- Disbelief & sadness
3. First feeling- Hot throughout my body, face flushed
4. Heart began racing
5. Head began to hurt, tightness between my eyes
6. Anger washed over me
7. I became enraged
8. Yelling and fighting ensued but I stopped it
9. This is normally where an event would escalate into an episode.

Today, I chose not to let that happen. I let myself get through all of the thoughts and feelings of the trigger so that I could see what it was my body went through in those first milliseconds between the trigger and halfway to exploding. I am shocked that I was able to stop myself from escalating like I usually do, I cannot stop the episode once I get to the rage stage, or at least have not been able to in the past. Jack showing me his diagram of Triggers and how we can stretch that first few seconds out before we explode was effective for me today. It may be because I wanted to be extra mindful the next time it happened so that i could document and observe the reactions I thought were not there, but it worked. I thought that I went from trigger to instant explosion of anger but it doesn't, he is so right. I imagined the moments in slow motion like in a movie, frame by frame a still picture of each thought and feeling that flooded my body. Like film negatives or a flip book when you put them together in sequence, they played like the scene from a movie. It was fascinating to say the least! 

So today I learned something very valuable that will help me on my journey, the moments I thought were happening in an instant and out of my control actually weren't. Which means if I can perfect this skill throughout the rest of my life I will be further ahead and more mindful of what triggers me so that I can choose to make a different reaction to whatever that trigger may be. This is powerful for me, I have not ever felt in control of my rage or anger once pushed beyond the point of what is acceptable for me. This means that there is power to be had in what triggers me, I just have to be mindful of what they are and pay attention when they are happening. 

Each session brings me further outside of my comfort zone of safety and vulnerability, and I walk away with something new that I didn't know before about myself. To allow oneself to be vulnerable to the point of transparency is giving up so much of the control we have over how others see us. By letting another person witness the raw, untouched painful truth we all are inside we not only put our salvation on the line, we do something that we would not have done if not. We go from a 0% chance at finding a better way to live to a 50% chance at finding a better way to live. I only say 50% because the rest will ultimately be our decision and it gives us a 50/50 chance we will succeed. That is it, fail or succeed there is nothing in between once we have given up the seed that makes us everything we are for another to cultivate and nourish. 

There is something to be said about having "aha" moments in the presence of another, they can see that moment, they can feel it I am certain. I know that Jack does because he is more in tune to where I am than I can be right now, experience and his own personal story tell him what he knows is happening before his eyes. What an awesome feeling that must be to be a part of for another human being. This is the story of my life and my journey but it is only respected and cared for because the person I have chosen to be transparent too has had to fight the same fight and walk the same lonely road as I have. You cannot put a price on feeling safe this way, there is no amount of money that can buy this peace of mind my friends. 

The day daddy died

October 5^th 2014

This was the very best way I knew how to convey to you all, my reflections & emotions from this journey with my dad. I am only sending this to the few whom I hold in high regards, whom I love as much as I love my father, and to whom I respect on another level of life that I didn’t know was possible. So, to those who receive this, know that you were my strength today and I thank you.

I was given an opportunity to give my dad a gift that I will never be able to replicate again, I was his voice, calm and certain, loving and forgiving, steadfast in my decision to help him have peace for the first time in his life. I was courageous and brave, hopeful yet realistic of the outcome, I shared his last few hours with him by his side with my son on his other, singing to him, sharing stories of memories that only him and I would remember, laughing with him although his was silent, to the many wonderfully stupid things we used to do when we drank. I recalled for him the many qualities he possessed as my father, my friend, as a grandpa, a brother, as a son of God because I was sure he had never heard them enough in his short 60 years on earth and I was determined to speak them all to him. I thanked him for being such a brave man, for standing proud as a veteran with honor, for giving me life so that I may be there when his ended to give him all the grace and dignity one could have when breathing those final last whips of life. I never once shed a tear on or near him, I had a smile in my voice, I asked him things that would need his approval in some way just so he could acknowledge me to the very end and feel as if he was as much a part of his passing as he could, I never told him what I would do but simply asked him so he could somehow feel that these were his decisions. And they were, all of them. We had spoken of his wishes many times, I wanted to know what my dad truly wanted for himself should it come to this. I never pushed him into any decision when he was well enough to decide even when he wanted me to. I demanded his doctor’s approval before allowing him to put pen to paper, as I needed him to know that he was capable of making a decision that could alter the course of the end of his life with us, and I wouldn’t change what I did.

I did only and exactly what my dad wanted, by his own admissions and for the first time in my life experienced the most calming, proud, peaceful existence while in that room today because I knew in my heart that I was giving my dad what he wanted. I wasn’t selfish, I wasn’t opinionated to change the course based on my own feelings or wants, I simply found a way to separate my own from the moment at hand and it was oddly, the easiest most effortless thing I have ever done. I spoke to my father until long after he had passed, until the doctor had to move me away from him to check his heart and call the time. 2:34…..my very favorite numbers of all time, strange that it now all makes sense to me in a weird way, my obsession of this number as well as my strange affixation of the number 5 “the hard way”. Today is 10 (/2=5 the hard way) 5 (just 5) and 14 (5 the hard way). Please don’t ask me to explain any further because to do so would just be confusing and possibly embarrassing as to why I have this numbers obsession lol.

I have not cried yet, and though I am sure it will come, it will never be tears of shame, guilt or regret for my dad. I know my dad heard every word as he struggled with the decision to stay for us, or go home for himself and I wanted to make it as easy for him as I could. I told him how proud I was to be his daughter and his friend, honored to have been chosen by him for such an important moment, and that him and I made a pretty great team together. I shared my love for him through his favorite song Free Bird by Lynard Skynard, while laying my head on his chest and singing to him. I voiced my approval for him to go at any time should he want to, and that he was never a burden on anyone and I was sorry if he ever felt that way at all. I reminded him that it wasn’t he who had given up, but his body and that was not anything any of us could control in life. I asked him to please look for my Gracie bean and even for Jake and to let them know I will always love and miss them. I spoke of how I knew it would be Grandma waiting for him when he got there and how happy she would be to have her boy with her again. I thanked him for coming home to us, for staying in my home, for being a part of my family with Jim and Jacob, for letting us love him and find our way back together making us stronger than ever before.

I could go on and on about the many things I said repeatedly to him, but they were only meant for him to peacefully let go and he did so while hearing what a wonderful man and father he truly was. After he left, I had to ask the nurse if I was ok. She looked at me funny and I kept staring and smiling at her, saying I was serious and needed to know if I was ok? Was I acting normal for this situation or should I be concerned that I was so calm and in control? She said to me, you are perfect. You have accepted this is what your dad chose for himself and you acted out of love and love alone for him by being selfless for him and his last wishes. And in that moment, the proud I was filled my heart in the spaces where I was going to hurt for my dad leaving us. I knew that from start to finish I was exactly what I told my dad I would be, his voice and his daughter, who he counted on to follow through no matter how tough the decisions would be. I could not be more pleased with myself and my sudden growth as a person today in my ability to love my dad enough to just be there for him and nothing more.

I hope I am making sense to you all,  and not sounding like I have lost it or am being unemotional about his death. My dad is more alive to me right now than he ever has been, and I wouldn’t change a thing about this experience with him or my family. I want to say so much more, but am exhausted and want to lay down and think about my dad. I want to tell him how much I love him still and I want to envision him as he deserved to be for so long…FREE. You will never know just how much of an impact your words and actions towards me had on my being able to give this gift to my dad. I will never care who says what to me, their selfish opinions or spiteful words, they could never take away my joy today in the love I was able to share with my father as sadly their battle is just beginning for the ways they were and the wrongs they have done. I love you all, I am proud to be who I am today more than any day before in my life, and I know that the ones who matter are the ones who are receiving this letter and that is all I will ever need. Rest easy daddy, it has been a long ride and I am so glad that I was by your side for it…..i will see you again but until I do, watch over us if you can and every now and then let us know you are near. I love you.

Michelle

Breakdown

February 21, 2016

{ DYSFUNCTION } : An abnormality or impairment, or a deviation from accepted social behavior. a problem or fault in a part of the body. The inability to sustain. 

{ BREAKDOWN } :  The act or process of failing to function or continue. The wearing out of, or sudden loss of ability to function efficiently, a collapse. 

I cannot recall exactly when my dysfunction became my function, where the line between real and unreal was erased and I cannot remember my life in any other way than the chaos that is now my mind. For nearly 39 years I have breathed, seen, tasted, felt and known this existence. But I can tell you nothing about it that is concrete or tangible to say that it or I, truly exists. I faintly recall dreams I once had as a little girl, what I thought I would be when I grew up, where and who I might be by now. My dreams changed often, not because I am flighty or undecided in my thoughts but because everything back then fascinated me about life and I seemed to want to do and be everything. A paleontologist, an archaeologist, a scientist, an astronomer,  a psychiatrist, a lawyer, an investigator, an International Public Relations Specialist....the list could go on forever. 

My grandma Sally and my Aunt Sue always told of how I taught myself to read at 3 years old without anyone's help. At the age of 5 when my mother took me to Okinawa for the first time, she said we were at a restaurant waiting in line to order food. There were several of our family members with us and in the midst of the chatter my mother heard me speaking Japanese as fluent and clear as if I had always spoke it. She said that everyone grew quiet as they listened and watched me read the entire menu from the order board, in Japanese. No mistakes, no hesitations, no pictures to show me what the food items might be, just Japanese. I don't know what you call that, when it happens once and only once because I could not do it again no matter how hard my mom pushed me to do it.

I used to tell other kids that my mom and dad were not my real parents, they were aliens just filling in. For whom or until when is not clear but I had a very vivid and active imagination, I think that I still do. I did not fit in with my family at all but I never much minded because I never fit in anywhere so I learned to adapt to my surroundings and carry on. My Aunt Sue was like my pseudo mom, she is 15 years my senior and acts more like my sister than my aunt or a mother, but she has always been there for me. She still tells me how I was the most intelligent child she ever knew, and she is a school teacher so she has had many children to compare me too she says. Bright, curious and unafraid I navigated my world on the front lines never shying away from challenges or things I had not experienced yet. I would try anything once and when I fell down, I always got back up and continued on.

My home life was normal for me, I never questioned the things my parents did or disrespected them by asking them why things were the way they were. I did as I was told, got straight A's, took care of my little sister and at the age of 11 took over household responsibilities like paying bills for my mother. It was my job to get my sister to school on time and to walk her home everyday, clean the house before my mother got home from work at 4:00, make sure homework was done and keep my sister occupied and out of trouble. We were never close, my sister and I and we still aren't. I have spent years trying to form some kind of a genuine relationship with her to no avail and quietly gave up when my dad died in 2014. He used to be the only thing that held her and I together and I guess after he was gone so was the glue between us because we separated ways and are ok with not speaking to or seeing one another even though she lives 15 minutes from me.

Tragedy and trauma are what either unite people with one another, or tear them apart and the same can happen to you inside of yourself. The parts of you will either become strong and unite to make you whole, or they fall their separate ways destroying who you are and who you used to be. When you finally realize and are cognizant of the separation in yourself, this is what I call the breakdown. The collapse of oneself from all that you knew, all that existed in you, and all the parts of you that had to be there in order for you to function. This, is your breakdown and this is where I am now. I am lost, confused, broken, scared, angry, saddened, lonely and I am fighting for my life. 

What makes you fight for yours? Do you know where it is you are heading or even where you come from? Do you know if you are united or separated from yourself? And if you do, how do you know what and where you are at any one moment? Do you know you exist? Are you aware of yourself or what surrounds you? Do you know what is real and what is true? And do you know with certainty that your real is the same as the real that actually is?  I thought I did, living in all of my dysfunction and the world I had created in my mind but the truth is, that I know nothing except that I am broken, body, mind, spirit and self. I am in a breakdown that will not allow me any mercy. I have to choose to ride it out no matter how painful, or choose to succumb to the cyclone of confusion that it creates, sucking me in like a tornado, my existence torn apart in a whipping frenzy of trash and debris. Dying with it as does the wind, leaving nothing in its wake but fragments of what used to be. As broken as I am I still choose to ride it out and live, but i am afraid and I am lonely right now. Not forever, but for now. 

Had a bad day

February 18, 2016

Today was a bad day, started with a bad night filled with nightmares and anxiety that lasted through today. I was not well, throwing up, my whole body has the chills and still have a headache that hurts so bad my hair hurts. I did not go in to see Jack this morning for my 11:00 session even though I wanted too. i wasn't sure if I was feeling the effects of getting the flu or if it was from the anxiety and nightmares but thought it was best not to go in case I was coming down with something.

I attempted to go to work in the afternoon as I have been helping my friend out at her Insurance Agency, but within 2 hours I was in the passenger seat of her car, crying the entire drive home. This was the beginnings of me having an episode, it was minor and kept me in bed until 8:00 pm. I thought I should describe what exactly an episode is or feels like since I have no idea of what it is clinically called, so that you get a better understanding of what it is I have been going through these past few years.

Before an episode starts, I can feel it coming on. It literally feels as if someone hit me between the eyes with a baseball bat, my head starts to feel tight in  the area between my eyes and often I feel eyes tightening which causes me to get an incredibly painful headache that can take hours to full days to subside. I almost feel cross eyed it gets so intense, and my eyes will begin to water and be more sensitive to light. Sometimes I am unable to keep my eyes open and once this happens everything in my brain slows down and I feel like everything is in slow motion. My speech will slow and I will stutter horribly. I will often say words that don't make sense or use them in the wrong context.  My heart rate will slow way down as does my breathing, and I start getting cold chills that cannot be helped by any amount of heat, blankets, etc Some words I will not be able to understand  and when this starts, then my confusion and panic escalates, pushing me further into the episode. I usually give up on trying to speak during episodes because it seems to make things worse when I try.

Physically, I become weakened and my muscles will lock up making it impossible to do anything or relax. When this happens then I am pretty much screwed because I cannot move It is like an entire body cramp that will not let go. This has gotten so severe that Jim is unable to pry my fingers apart from my hands or get me to bend my arm or wrist. He says it is like I have super strength during this phase because he cannot get me to budge once it begins. Sometimes, I feel like my right arm is not my own, that it does not belong to me and I get upset that it is attached to my body. I like to throw things with this hand and Jim came up with the idea of having me throw tupperware lids when this happens so that I can throw as hard as I want and not break anything or accidentally hurt someone.

Most of the time I have very little or no recollection of the episode itself,  but I feel as if I have lost a huge chunk of time and feel like I have been away from my body and mind while I was in the episode I just have no idea where I went and everything appears not to be real.

_____________________________________________

February 19, 2016

Bad day continues....:(

For a few days after an episode I am completely and utterly lost in space and time altogether. My thoughts are floating as is my existence in my body, time has no measure and my memories play like a foggy scene in a movie. Nothing is real, I am not real my surroundings are not real, do not know what else they could be I just know they do not feel real.  My cognitive skills are decreased, I am zoned out and finding the right words is impossible unless I am writing which boggles me. I get stuck on words even then, but I have time when I am writing, to think about the words I am looking for and when I speak I don't have that.

My body feels very numb for awhile after the episode, then it is like a light switch turns on and I feel everything in my body, my muscles ache terribly and I find it hard to walk sometimes. I get extremely cold before and after episodes, nothing can get me to warm up and I often shiver for no reason because I am so cold. I don't know where the last two days went and it pisses me off that I have no access to what the hell I have been doing for the last 48 hours. What is today anyway? Saturday I think, fuck maybe it is Sunday?? No, because my son had a Colorguard yesterday for the Mayor of Spokane at the VFW and I fucking missed it because I was laying in bed vomiting with a headache that still won't go away which then turned into another episode. Two in two days..not good.

Grrrr I get angry and irritated too after episodes not sure why but I do and I hate it. I can't work or function or be a mother like this and I need for it to change! Why do I feel like a completely different person after them? Always angry and confused, lost and unreal...ok time for square breathing I am getting too emotional and can feel my anger increasing so I am going to square breath and go to my safe place now. Please god help me, or whoever is listening....I cannot have a quality of life this way and I cannot afford to not be working like this things have to change and soon.

Paint me a picture

February 15, 2016

The word "NORMAL" is defined as conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. It is also defined as being the average or typical state or condition of something Jack asked me last week to spend some time before our next session, describing for him my idea of what "normal" would be for Jappy if I was her mother. For days I have been brainstorming ideas as to what kind of life I would want for Jappy, what kind of picture could I paint for Jack to describe this "normal" sense of life for her, but I couldn't quite put it into words what normal was and then I had a heartfelt and very emotional conversation with my son tonight and it moved me to sit down and finally paint a picture of what I would want as a mother for Jappy because it  would be the same as I want for my son. . 

The most important aspect of Jappy's environment would be that it is one that always feels safe and welcoming for her. Every child deserves to know an upbringing that is rich with value, morals, unconditional love, trust, hope, laughter, and family for these are crucial stepping stones in the foundation of life in my opinion. To have a family dynamic where there is no tension, anger or bitter words towards one another. A consistent routine of quality family time and parents who genuinely take into consideration a child's interests and hear their voice.  A home where a child would not be afraid to come to their parents for any reason, that they would know it was acceptable to speak freely about anything without fear of being judged or having repercussions. 

My son and I have grown a close, trusting relationship, it is not often you hear a teen call their parent their best friend but mine does. I asked him what he enjoys most about our relationship and his answer is always the same; he loves that he can be himself and that I encourage him to love who he is. That I tell and show him he that he he should embrace who he is as a person and that we can talk about anything at all without it feeling weird. He also says that he loves how funny we are together, we get pretty silly doing voices for each other and just trying to have fun in our day. 

I guess all of this applies if it were for Jappy too. Growing up I did not realize there was anything wrong or abnormal about my life because it was my "normal" and this assignment is proving to be harder than I imagined it would be because how do you know what you want if you never had it? There are only a handful of things I would add to my childhood that would've made it a better experience for me.  I always wanted to have a family that sat down to eat dinner together every night, where the parents would ask the kid how their day was and they would have conversations over dinner. We had a family dinner once a year.....on Thanksgiving my daddy's favorite holiday. I would have liked that to happen more in my childhood. That and I would have liked my family to show emotion to one another because I believe it created some issues for me as I got older because I got very good at holding everything inside. 

I don't think that I did a good job describing what Jack wanted on this one, maybe this just wasn't a good time for me to be writing because I feel very off track right now. But, it is the best I could do at the moment so I will allow that to be sufficient for me for now. Today I don't feel like that great of an "artist" in paining you a picture so I hope you get the idea. 

Strengths

February 17, 2016


These are strengths based on my perception of myself: The ones in red are also weaknesses.

• HUMANITARIAN
• CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS
• LOYAL
• INTUITIVE
• RESILIENT
• DRIVEN
• DETER,INED
• MINDFUL      
• THOUGHTFUL OF OTHERS NEEDS
• DEDICATED 
• OVERACHEIVER
• AM GOOD AT MULTI-TASKING
• WRITER
• GOOD AT RESEARCHING THINGS 
• AM GOOD AT DESCRIBING OR EXPLAINING THINGS 
• GOOD SINGER
• GOOD AT MAKING OTHERS FEEL COMFORTABLE
• AM EASY TO TALK TOO
• I LEARN NEW THINGS EASILY                                                                                                                     

Session #5

February 11, 2016

A very emotional day today but great strides in trusting Jack and letting down my emotional wall of steel. Who knew it would be so hard to feel?

Homework for today:

1) What is real? Is Jim real and if he is, howso?

2.) Describe what my idea of normal is for Jappy, what would I create for her that would be my idea of normal?

No more words right now, just reflecting and trying to find my way. I'll get there someday I have faith in that.