Triggers

February 23, 2016

After today's session with Jack, I found myself in the situation of there being a good chance at having an episode. I stopped myself to really think about all the things I was feeling and thinking from trigger to exploding and here is what I observed:

1. The trigger-my son disrespecting me
2. First thought- Disbelief & sadness
3. First feeling- Hot throughout my body, face flushed
4. Heart began racing
5. Head began to hurt, tightness between my eyes
6. Anger washed over me
7. I became enraged
8. Yelling and fighting ensued but I stopped it
9. This is normally where an event would escalate into an episode.

Today, I chose not to let that happen. I let myself get through all of the thoughts and feelings of the trigger so that I could see what it was my body went through in those first milliseconds between the trigger and halfway to exploding. I am shocked that I was able to stop myself from escalating like I usually do, I cannot stop the episode once I get to the rage stage, or at least have not been able to in the past. Jack showing me his diagram of Triggers and how we can stretch that first few seconds out before we explode was effective for me today. It may be because I wanted to be extra mindful the next time it happened so that i could document and observe the reactions I thought were not there, but it worked. I thought that I went from trigger to instant explosion of anger but it doesn't, he is so right. I imagined the moments in slow motion like in a movie, frame by frame a still picture of each thought and feeling that flooded my body. Like film negatives or a flip book when you put them together in sequence, they played like the scene from a movie. It was fascinating to say the least! 

So today I learned something very valuable that will help me on my journey, the moments I thought were happening in an instant and out of my control actually weren't. Which means if I can perfect this skill throughout the rest of my life I will be further ahead and more mindful of what triggers me so that I can choose to make a different reaction to whatever that trigger may be. This is powerful for me, I have not ever felt in control of my rage or anger once pushed beyond the point of what is acceptable for me. This means that there is power to be had in what triggers me, I just have to be mindful of what they are and pay attention when they are happening. 

Each session brings me further outside of my comfort zone of safety and vulnerability, and I walk away with something new that I didn't know before about myself. To allow oneself to be vulnerable to the point of transparency is giving up so much of the control we have over how others see us. By letting another person witness the raw, untouched painful truth we all are inside we not only put our salvation on the line, we do something that we would not have done if not. We go from a 0% chance at finding a better way to live to a 50% chance at finding a better way to live. I only say 50% because the rest will ultimately be our decision and it gives us a 50/50 chance we will succeed. That is it, fail or succeed there is nothing in between once we have given up the seed that makes us everything we are for another to cultivate and nourish. 

There is something to be said about having "aha" moments in the presence of another, they can see that moment, they can feel it I am certain. I know that Jack does because he is more in tune to where I am than I can be right now, experience and his own personal story tell him what he knows is happening before his eyes. What an awesome feeling that must be to be a part of for another human being. This is the story of my life and my journey but it is only respected and cared for because the person I have chosen to be transparent too has had to fight the same fight and walk the same lonely road as I have. You cannot put a price on feeling safe this way, there is no amount of money that can buy this peace of mind my friends.