This cannot really be me....

February 26, 2016

Sitting here tonight, reading the things I wrote when my dad passed away has me crying and extremely sorrowful. There have been days since he has gone that I was sure he was still with me, just a phone call away at any time. Yes, I believed this so much that several times I have picked up the phone to text or call him because I need so much to hear his voice. Shortly after daddy passed Jim and I were hanging out in our bedroom. I was folding laundry and Jim decided to check the voicemail on our home phone, which we almost never use or listen too. As we were talking, the messages played on most of them automated messages that were nothing, and then there was one. One of my father, his voice proud and smiling saying "Hi Michelle, it's daddy I love you and I miss you, i'll talk to you soon! ok, bye bye" 

I nearly dropped to the floor, unable to breath because I had no idea that he had even called me on that phone. But he did, 1 day before going on life support he left that message for me and I still listen to it almost every day since. The thought of being able to weather through the devastations and tragedies that life gives us all blows me away. How we have adapted to life with so much change in a way that we are functioning is unclear to me, and fascinates me to no end. We are incredibly complex in our existence, our brains are not ever not working to adapt to what is going on in any moment. Even while we sleep our brains are hard at work to make sure we can continue living, I just wish I knew this girl that I was during this time in my life. When I read my own words I have very little to no recollection of writing them. I love the fluidity in my words, the way I am able to visually paint a picture that makes me feel as if I am right there in that very moment experiencing what I was writing about. 

This is confusing to me, that I don't remember my words or the things that I write. Most often when I am writing I do not go back over it to re read it, I just write and then either post it on one of my poetry sites or save it to my Writings file for someone to find after I am long gone from this earth. It feels good to write on here knowing that somebody will read what I have to say. My son and even Jim at times, have expressed that when I speak about something it feels like I am lecturing because it is on a level much different than theirs. My entire life people have told me that I am too intense, that I am too deep and that my conversations take them to places they cannot help but get emotional. So, I have accepted that my thoughts and writings will remain silent while I am alive and hope that someday, those who love me might find comfort in reading my words when I am gone. 

I do not know if anyone else will ever read all of this journey but I am ok with it. I do not need validation from anyone about the way I feel and if what I say is acceptable. If it isn't I do not care because anyone reading this can simply close this page and forget they read it. I think that I need this blog to keep me moving forward in my progress and I have every intention of being as honest and transparent as possible in the small chance that someone like myself might someday read my blog, and that it might help them on their journey in finding themselves. Why are certain people gifted with characteristics and traits that nobody will ever see or know? Why do I have so many things to say about life yet nobody is listening? I cannot make sense of alot of things in life, and this is one of the things that I think about often.

Out of the blogs I have posted, there are about 5 that I have not finished yet. They are the beginnings of the pieces to my life that are the most painful and when the time is right I will post them too. It is a bit scary to imagine where I would be in my journey without the guidance of Jack to reassure me that I am worth all of this. His presence in mind alone is powerful enough to remind me that life does exist outside of my sheltered and scared self, I hope that he knows that long after our journey together has ended because it can be the difference between my choosing to stay, or choosing to go some days. I hope everyone can find their Jack Stell to do the same for them, it makes the hard parts seem a little easier to get through knowing that we are never truly alone.....don't give up just yet.