Had a bad day

February 18, 2016

Today was a bad day, started with a bad night filled with nightmares and anxiety that lasted through today. I was not well, throwing up, my whole body has the chills and still have a headache that hurts so bad my hair hurts. I did not go in to see Jack this morning for my 11:00 session even though I wanted too. i wasn't sure if I was feeling the effects of getting the flu or if it was from the anxiety and nightmares but thought it was best not to go in case I was coming down with something.

I attempted to go to work in the afternoon as I have been helping my friend out at her Insurance Agency, but within 2 hours I was in the passenger seat of her car, crying the entire drive home. This was the beginnings of me having an episode, it was minor and kept me in bed until 8:00 pm. I thought I should describe what exactly an episode is or feels like since I have no idea of what it is clinically called, so that you get a better understanding of what it is I have been going through these past few years.

Before an episode starts, I can feel it coming on. It literally feels as if someone hit me between the eyes with a baseball bat, my head starts to feel tight in  the area between my eyes and often I feel eyes tightening which causes me to get an incredibly painful headache that can take hours to full days to subside. I almost feel cross eyed it gets so intense, and my eyes will begin to water and be more sensitive to light. Sometimes I am unable to keep my eyes open and once this happens everything in my brain slows down and I feel like everything is in slow motion. My speech will slow and I will stutter horribly. I will often say words that don't make sense or use them in the wrong context.  My heart rate will slow way down as does my breathing, and I start getting cold chills that cannot be helped by any amount of heat, blankets, etc Some words I will not be able to understand  and when this starts, then my confusion and panic escalates, pushing me further into the episode. I usually give up on trying to speak during episodes because it seems to make things worse when I try.

Physically, I become weakened and my muscles will lock up making it impossible to do anything or relax. When this happens then I am pretty much screwed because I cannot move It is like an entire body cramp that will not let go. This has gotten so severe that Jim is unable to pry my fingers apart from my hands or get me to bend my arm or wrist. He says it is like I have super strength during this phase because he cannot get me to budge once it begins. Sometimes, I feel like my right arm is not my own, that it does not belong to me and I get upset that it is attached to my body. I like to throw things with this hand and Jim came up with the idea of having me throw tupperware lids when this happens so that I can throw as hard as I want and not break anything or accidentally hurt someone.

Most of the time I have very little or no recollection of the episode itself,  but I feel as if I have lost a huge chunk of time and feel like I have been away from my body and mind while I was in the episode I just have no idea where I went and everything appears not to be real.

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February 19, 2016

Bad day continues....:(

For a few days after an episode I am completely and utterly lost in space and time altogether. My thoughts are floating as is my existence in my body, time has no measure and my memories play like a foggy scene in a movie. Nothing is real, I am not real my surroundings are not real, do not know what else they could be I just know they do not feel real.  My cognitive skills are decreased, I am zoned out and finding the right words is impossible unless I am writing which boggles me. I get stuck on words even then, but I have time when I am writing, to think about the words I am looking for and when I speak I don't have that.

My body feels very numb for awhile after the episode, then it is like a light switch turns on and I feel everything in my body, my muscles ache terribly and I find it hard to walk sometimes. I get extremely cold before and after episodes, nothing can get me to warm up and I often shiver for no reason because I am so cold. I don't know where the last two days went and it pisses me off that I have no access to what the hell I have been doing for the last 48 hours. What is today anyway? Saturday I think, fuck maybe it is Sunday?? No, because my son had a Colorguard yesterday for the Mayor of Spokane at the VFW and I fucking missed it because I was laying in bed vomiting with a headache that still won't go away which then turned into another episode. Two in two days..not good.

Grrrr I get angry and irritated too after episodes not sure why but I do and I hate it. I can't work or function or be a mother like this and I need for it to change! Why do I feel like a completely different person after them? Always angry and confused, lost and unreal...ok time for square breathing I am getting too emotional and can feel my anger increasing so I am going to square breath and go to my safe place now. Please god help me, or whoever is listening....I cannot have a quality of life this way and I cannot afford to not be working like this things have to change and soon.