What I want you to know

Written September 8, 2016

What I intended to post on my facebook notes but decided not too yet.

Today is the day that I share my deepest, darkest demons, stripping myself of what little dignity I have left by baring my broken and fragmented self so that people in my life can know that I am not the person they judge me to be, to give them the answers that will hopefully set everything straight in a way that makes sense for them about who they have thought me out to be. There have been several reasons why I chose not to share my issues with anyone, I don't want people's pity or guilt, I don't want to feel more shame than I already do about why I am in the situation I am in, and I don't want or need to hear opinions about what I should or shouldn't' have done to not be in this situation because nothing can change what has already been and I am focused on moving forward and finding a way to be me again.

There is no easy or graceful way to explain the injuries that I incurred which are the direct cause of my illness now. I don't know the exact number of traumatic brain injuries I have suffered at the hands of someone I loved and cared for, but I know that it was enough to alter my life forever and it was enough to destroy my brain and the functions that are imperative to living a "normal" and productive life. The simplest way to help you understand what I am going through is to tell you to watch the movie "Concussion" as it sheds light on an issue that most would like to ignore or deny is becoming an epidemic among football players. What you may not know is that women who are subjected to domestic violence and abuse fall into the same category, but we seldom hear of anyone other than  Football players and Boxers as being affected by  repeated blows to the head and the devastating long term effects. The damages to the brain tissue are irreversible and a death sentence for most who suffer from CTE regardless of the efforts made to reverse the damages. For most football players the answer was not uncovered until after death when their brains were autopsied and showed astounding similarities to a brain of an old person who had dementia. The brain had deteriorated and the areas that had been hit were shrunken and full of holes, death of one's brain while they were still living and it was the answer that explained and made sense of the bizarre and unusual behaviors and traits of someone suffering from this type of traumatic brain injury.

While each person's response to injury is different, the symptoms are almost identical across the board as each section of our brains is responsible for the same functions in everyone. My worst injuries occurred to my Right Temporal and frontal lobes though I also have what is known as Coup Contrecoup, damage to the opposite side where the blow occurred essentially killing two birds with one stone. I suffer from Temporal Lobe seizures which manifest in the Temporal lobe of the brain and migrate to other areas, causing symptoms that differ from epileptic or grand mal seizures. I refer to mine as "Episodes" and one can last anywhere from a few minutes up to my longest one of 5 days. I have no memory of them after they have occurred but can always tell when one is coming on as they have always begun exactly the same. My speech becomes slurred and slow, I become confused and will speak the wrong words in the wrong context and when I start to stutter, that is when the physical symptoms kick in. It feels like I was hit between the eyes with a baseball bat, my eyes water and I cannot keep them open, they generally droop as do my facial muscles and expressions. My entire body will become rigid and my muscles will contract, leaving my hands clenched until my nails cut into the palms of my hands with no chance of relaxing until the episode is over. The reason I know that this is the process I go through every time is because Jim was smart enough to start video recording them in the hopes of showing it to my Dr.'s and finding out what was wrong with me. The only way that I am validated on my own is when I wake up and my arms, hands and stomach muscles feel like I did a 24 hour non stop workout.

Many things can trigger an episode for me but stress is the number one way to get there every time for me. The episodes are considered Somatic which means they're a physical manifestation of a psychological and emotional trauma in which there is an overload to your brain and it has no other way to release the energy the traumas have created.  My brain is stuck in hypervigilant mode which means that my fight or flight response was bypassed too many times so my brain remains in fight mode at all times. This makes me on edge 24 hours a day 7 days a week, it is why I seem rushed or why some people say I am intense or too serious. These are all coping mechanisms and learned behavior, both of which are not easily remedied and are a continuous work in progress for me.

I am learning to roll with the changes that keep coming for me but I have yet to understand any one of them enough to make sense of things on my own without worrying about what my friends think about me. I cry on a daily basis mostly for no reason that I can put into words, but because of the feeling that lives inside me that makes me angry and pissed off that this is what is happening to my life. If I leave my house I can guarantee that at least once while I am out that I will get confused and have to pull over to figure out where I am and where I need to go. I get turned around very easily even though I am traveling on roads I have driven for years, it doesn't seem to matter at all that I should be familiar because sometimes I am not. There are times when I panic because my mind starts firing off questions like, am I driving on the right side of the road? Am I supposed to stop at a red light or do I go? What if I turn the wrong way into traffic or forget which one is the brake and which one is the gas pedal? And yes, I even get lost finding my way to my own home it happens all the time which is ridiculous but just another part of my day.   I struggle with the fact that I no longer recognize the person looking at me in the mirror and I am unsure of how to be around friends where I don't feel like they are looking at me like I am on drugs or just plain crazy because I am not behaving in a way that is acceptable or understood. I could not list all of the little things that go on in my day that are not "normal" for anyone else but these are some things that are a constant for me right now  

Memory loss and forgetfulness, problems with special recognition in both time and distance, poor impulse controls, difficulty in problem solving, inability to plan and initiate simple tasks, unable to organize things, misinterpretation of words and meanings, easily confused for no reason, "freezing in time" moments where I stop and cannot speak or move, difficulty concentrating on one thing, forgetting that I have left the water running or the fridge open, putting objects in the wrong places like milk in the cupboards or cigarettes in the bathtub, constant numbness of my body, I dissociate most of the time which makes me unaware of where i am or that time is moving, I forget names and words and recently am unable to recognize people's faces that I know, my vision is always blurry and my colors appear different than before (white looks bright yellow now and lights look indigo blue with rainbow halos around them) i forget to check my phone sometimes all day then forget that i need to call people back or check my voicemail for days at a time, i constantly feel as if I am not real or alive and that i do not exist.  

In short I wanted you to know that I don't choose to be this way, I don't think anyone would choose this. I have become isolated from people I love because in their eyes I have become this ditzy, spacey, unreliable, unreachable flighty person who is uncaring or too busy to do things with friends. This couldn't be farther from the truth, these are things I literally have no control over as they are coping methods that my brain has become accustomed too after so much trauma. It has been far easier for me to remain quiet and suffer this battle with Jim and Jacob in private and leave everyone else out of the know because truthfully, I don't have the energy or the answers to help anyone begin to understand just how much my life has changed because of traumatic brain injury. If you are a part of my life, or used to be I would want you to know that it was never my intention to become this type of friend or person, it is the farthest place from who and where I want to be and for those who knew a little about what was going on with me I can understand if you gave up on me as a person and it is ok. I can barely deal with these things and I live it everyday, I am not sure how to make anyone else comprehend the fact that my kind of illness and struggle cannot be seen by you, it is not out on public display for anyone which makes it very challenging to face those who may think I am just fine because I am not and have not been for the past 5 years. So when I have had to break plans or I don't show up when I said that I would 99% of the time it is because I was going to have an episode, one had just started, or I was at  the tail end of one and I am pretty much useless once one begins.

I want you to know that it hasn't been anything personal if you have been let down by me, once an episode begins I lose the ability to speak, comprehend words, I cannot control my muscles, I am not even cognisant that I am having one, It is like my brain pushes me out and only lets me back in when it is through wreaking havoc on me. I would choose to be with those that I love and having fun over being sick and having seizures any day of the week but I know that for you, it doesn't seem that way at all. I haven't' made excuses or reasons why I don't want to go do things or hang out I just lack the ability to manage social anxiety on a level that I have never experienced before and this can too, throw me into an episode.  If I am lucky, Jim is home with me when one starts and I make it through without hurting myself. If he isn't' then it is a good possibility that I will awake on the bathroom floor sporting a black eye after having knocked myself out on the counter, or worse that I will wake up at 4am in my car with the keys in the ignition,seat belt on and parked on the side of the road in a place I had no recollection of even driving too. That is scary for me and for anyone out there while that is happening so I try to drive as little as possible on my own.

I apologize for how lengthy this has been, but I felt that I needed to just rip the bandaid off that has been holding in my wounds so that there can be an understanding that there is a reason why I have become this person. It is lonely as hell fighting this battle and without Jim and Jacob I don't know what I would do or where I would be it gets so depressing. I know that I am not the same person anymore, that I have changed a great deal, and I am aware of the fact that because i don't physically show my illness, some people don't think that anything is wrong with me and that I am just that ditzy, unreliable and scattered person on my own accord. I told my son that it would be like taking two oranges and kicking one of them around for awhile. Compare them next to one another and although they will look identical on the outside one of them will not be when you cut them open. I t will be damaged from being tossed around, bruised and mushy. This is my brain and to not have others understand this will only isolate me further than I already am and is not what I want. I feel incredibly exposed and vulnerable after writing all of this for everyone to see but after losing one of my best friends compassion and friendship this week because of my issues, it was more than I could handle and I was tired of feeling the way I felt. I would give anything to be me again, to feel and be intelligent and not struggle so much with all of these things, but mostly I would give anything for others to not look at me or talk about me the way they do and to have you understand that I am in the fight of my life right now and am doing everything I can to help myself. If you want to be here as a support on my journey I am grateful, If you choose not to be my friend through it thank you as well for being here while you could be and I am sorry if I have let you down.

I want to tell Jim and Jacob how sorry I am that this has become their life because they choose to love me and support me. I know it cannot be easy to be with me and be forced to fight this battle too even when you don't want too. I am so sorry that your lives are affected by this and that it takes away time and energy from the things you both want for yourselves. I am grateful and fortunate that you are here to help me, thank you for trying to help me keep my dignity and my sanity while you both have given up pieces of your own. You make my struggle one that I don't have to fight alone and while you may not understand what makes me this way, you always try and you make sure that I am ok as I can be when I get lost and scared. Thank you both for all that you do and for loving me, but most of all for not leaving me to fight this alone because without you I would not be capable of getting through one more day. I love you both so much, and I am sorry that your lives have not been your own.  

3...2...1....

September 27, 2016

Today was the day I had hoped would never come, for myself and for Jim and Jacob. Today changes everything about where I go from here and who I become, I'm not even sure that is a possibility for me anymore. I finally reached the breaking point, everything up until now seems like a fairytale compared to today which is beyond scary to think about. Until now I have managed to exist and found a way to hang on when I was ready to let go a long time ago. The pinnacle of existence for me was being a mother to my child that dreamt of giving my son a better life than what most have or know. I desired to be the kind of mom who was trusted and confided in, a mom who could relate to her child and who could have a close relationship with and who could feel confident that I had the ability to protect my son from the cruelties of the world. I did not imagine that I would find myself in Jack's office, on the floor unable to be present to the trauma or the pain that was igniting every inch of my insides. Clutching onto Mr. Elephant rocking myself back and forth to try and sooth the chaos that I was fighting against, Today was the closest I have ever been to begging to be medicated to make the pain go away, to give me anything at all that would silence the war in my mind and tend to the wounds left upon my soul that will surely never heal.

Instead of being a strong and proud mother to my son I have become everything that I feared I would be, nothing in the eyes of my child. How this evolved I cannot explain, even if it felt real to me I would find it difficult to put into words what caused this effect, nor could I paint you a picture clear enough to depict the demolition that is happening to me as I  write this. My head feels as if it is in a paint shaker, violently whipping from side to side in all directions, my eyes are quivering with nervous ticks, making my already blurred vision even worse. I can taste bile in the back of my throat, why can't I vomit out the pain? For the next 4 hours I will end up searching for my child who is out on the streets cursing my name and my existence. I watch in sadness as he plasters his hate all over face book for his psycho mother, calling me a piece of shit, a bitch, and the most hurtful of all he calls me crazy and keeps laughing at me. I want to know what I have done in my life to deserve what I have been dealt? The person I helped to create, the little boy that stole my heart and the young man who used to call me his best friend is now my enemy and I am losing this battle. I speak to my mother and sister, both of whom surprisingly, are supportive of me and are encouraging and loving as I fight with myself to do the right thing for him and I both.

His Diversion officer Annette, keeps in contact with me even through her meetings she takes my calls and tries to keep it positive. I tell her I am considering checking into the hospital for psychiatric care and am unsure of what to do as far as where Jacob will stay as I do not want him staying where he has been the last few days with his friend Isaac. She tells me I only have one choice and that she will try to help facilitate the arrangement for him. She calls me back after a while and tells me that she has had Officers dispatched to go pick Jacob up and take him into custody to temporarily place him into Child Services .care. A temporary foster home for him to stay at until I can figure out what is the best course of action for us both. I call my mother and I break down again, feeling like the lowest mother on earth for having to do this to my own child but I cannot survive with him in my home for much longer. Unlike my experience with my own mother who usually berates me and puts me down as she reminds me how incompetent I am she speaks softly to me, telling me how much she loves me and that it is going to be ok. That she is here for me and that she won't leave me alone in this decision if I need her strength she is there to help me. She asks me if I would consider allowing her to take Jacob temporarily until I figure things out, she says that she knows Jacob needs help and that she sess the abuse he puts me through and she wants to help us both. I feel like this might be the better option for now as it puts me at ease somewhat, so I agree to let her take  him temporarily until I can figure out what to do.

Several calls were placed to Jacob's father, all with no success in reaching him. He texts me back a message after a few hours telling me he won't take Jacob and that I need to figure it out on my own. I didn't expect him to be cooperative but when he denied his son and me any help my anger grew into rage and I knew then that this was the biggest reason for my sons issues and that he would never allow Jacob closure or peace of mind in their relationship if he was willing to stonewall me at a time like this when his son needed him the most. It broke my heart for Jacob, he deserved better than this piece of shit as his father and I could never give it to him. The police finally find Jacob around 8pm at a friends house in Hayden Idaho where him and Isaac had walked to from Post Falls. I am on the phone with my sister when they arrive with Jacob in tow and I listen as it plays out. I tell my sister to ask Jacob for his phone while the Police are still there so that there won't be any problems. She does so and in return gets an argumentative teenager who challenges her request. He finally gives in as he slaps the phone down into her  hand screaming "I fucking hate your guts" to her as he storms into the house. The Officer gets on the phone with me and I tell him I have changed my mind about him staying with my mother, I want him to realize that what he is doing is unacceptable and that I am at my wits end on what to do for him. The officer asks me how long this has been going on and I explain it has been most all of this year and that I am considering Psychiatric admittance to the  hospital because I can no longer handle the battle with my son. The officer gets angry and tells me that he will take care of it and have a talk with Jacob,     

I hear him call for Jacob to come outside and then I hear the officer asked Jacob "what the fuck is your problem kid?' He continues to yell at him, telling him he cannot believe that Jacob would give such an attitude to my sister and myself in front of the Officers and that he has no right until he is 18 to behave this way. At the end of the confrontation Jacob, myself and my sister are all a wreck in tears and fearful of his future. The officer tells him that he has been wasting precious time and taking it away from other emergencies by making them come find him instead of doing what he has been told to do by his mother. He is told that is they get one more call about him he will sit in Idaho jail indefinitely and can find out what it's like to have nobody. I never speak to Jacob after all of this, I don't want to because I know what it will be like, the tears, the apologies the request to come back home to be with me. So I tell my sister that I have to leave as I am going to the hospital to check myself in for care. I don't know why I lied to her because I knew at that point I really just wanted to stay home with Jim. But I said it, and I won't tell her any differently either. She brought Jacob home to get his things as I stayed in the garage so they didn';t see me. For now, they think I am in the hospital and unreachable and I am ok with this. I spend the night crying until I pass out exhausted and ready to give up this fight.                                                                                                                                                                                            

I cannot write any more for now, I am spent emotionally and feeling even worse after waking up this morning. I am numb with pain and still feeling like it might be best to go check myself in. I am terrified of this feeling inside me as it is one I am not familiar with up until now, and that means that I have no idea on how to proceed or try to start healing from this devastation and destruction. I had no idea that someone already broken and fighting for their life could be subjected to an even harsher and more destitute state of being but here I am.

Selfish

September 21, 2016

Been a pretty rough few days for me, not sure why or what the trigger was but I am definetely not being present to my life. I had neuro with Kelly today (really love that lady!) because J & K are in Florida for the week. Usually, I am able to pull it together long enough to have to be around other people when I am in a funk or dissociating but today I could not. I have been feeling very strange, not real, living in a dream like state. I am in a mind fog and not sure of what around me is reality and what is not. I know that everything is supposed to be real, but I dont feel like it is so it really does a number on my mind.

Today has felt all wrong and getting worse. Numbness is an understatement and everything around me is slowly blurring into the background except my odd thoughts that won't stop no matter what I do. I feel very disconnected and unsure of myself and nothing in my head seems to be correct or real. I feel as if my soul is going to tear through my skin or that it will just explode any moment from the pressure it is under from being forced to pretend. My body is not mine, I do not recognize it in any way and feel like I am just a visitor on the inside and will be leaving at amy moment. Time has no value and does not move the way time is supposed to be moving. I am stuck on one day, one moment one dream, I want to scream today so loudly. I keep hearing music everywhere I am, even when it is quiet I can hear it playing like it is a secondary sound, constant and just outside my reach what is this? I hear it in every thought and while music soothes me this music is pissing me off because I cannot place it.

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9/25/2016

I had hoped that my week would find a way to smooth itself out, ease up on me as I was already at a breaking point, but I am not that fortunate. I don't understand how life can continue to beat me down when I am already as low as I have ever been? It makes me feel like I am not supposed to be here, that I will never succeed at feeling or being any better in this lifetime. Just when I thinnk I cannot feel any worse life laughs at me and gives me an extra helping of shit on a stick just for good measure. I dont even know where to begin in unloading the garbage that this week has given me so I will just write whatever comes to mind.

Thursday after treatment I had gotten home and locked myself in my bathroom, not wanting to speak to or see anyone because I was not feeling like I could. I was texting with Jacob as he was checking in with me to let me know he was at a friends house when I get this barrage of text messages from my best friend. Even still when I think about the horrible, nasty and cruel things she said to me it makes me cry and feel sick to my stomach. She had apparently replied to a post Jacob had put on his facebook, and her exact words were "Grow the fuck up and get off your pity party you need to deal with life and quit acting like a child". What did he post that would warrant something so explosive from an adult? He posted a picture that said, "God please help keep me strong enough to be away from the toxic people in my life" Yes, that was all he posted and she went crazy on him. He defended himself and rightfully so, telling her he thought is was rude of her to say that to him and he didn't appreciate it. She kept on, so he kept on and by the end of it she was messaging me to tell me that we were no longer friends.

Long story short, she told me I was selfish and inconsiderate because I didn't make enough time for her and when she came by a few weeks ago and I didn't answer the door ( I never knew she came by until a few days later) and that I allowed my son to speak to her the way he did after she made the statement she made to him. I tried to explain to her several things, mostly about what is going on with me and how it affects my ability to be social among other things. What does she fire back? That I am not a friend because friends make time not excuses and I am not as bad as I say I am because she sees none of what I tell her goes on. I am just trying to get attention and I am a selfish person who cares only about myself because I repolied to her with statements that were all about me, "I, me, myself me me me. I wanted to choke the words right out of her mouth! How can someone say such hurtful and cruel things to someone who is supposed to be a friend? What about a person who is a human being and struggling with health issues that nobody else cane see? That makes me selfish and a liar? I am beyond disgusted to say the least and there is no making things right with someone who holds that kind of opinion of someone who suffers from TBI and PTSD it will take more energy for me to fix this than it will to grieve the loss of my friend and try  to move forward not understanding why she refuses to be compassionate towards my situation.

She deleted me on facebook then proceeded to post quotes about me and the kind of friend I am and how me isolating myself from others did her a favor because it was like the trash taking itself out. I am beyond angry and hurt and fucking frustrated that someone would make me feel this way and I dont' have the chance to justify or correct anything she believes which makes it even worse for me. I want to be vindictive towards her and make her look bad, but I wont because it wont' matter and it wont make me feel any bettter. I dont get how she could be that hurtful over things I cannot help, I told her it was liek being angry at someone for not having hair because they were going through chemo. As of right now I hate the people who choose not to understand or be a friend enmogh to be patient with me.or try to understand. I feel completely alone in my life and it is the most lonliest I think I have ever been. I don't want to exist like this, this is not a life I cannot cope this way, I won't settle for this, I don't have to and I don't want too. I want to be treated like a human being, I am not selfish and I am not a liar, I am a person who has suffered an immense amount of trauma which has resulted in my impairments and inabilities, and I a person who is trying her hardest to cope with it,but people like her make it impossible.

9/23/2016

I am unraveling and coming apart, I am so afraid that I won't be able to stop it once it lets loose. I am terrified that I am not coping well, that I CAN'T cope better than what I am doing right now. My son hates me, curses at me, fights with me until I have an episode. Then its "I love you" and like nothing happened. It is too much for my fragile heart to take, it reminds me so much of Jake it scares me. I get treated like shit with no explanation, I get talked down  too, I get disrespected and ignored when asking to do something around the house. He said today he really needs help, he doesn't understand what is wrong with him. I don't either but i know I won;t make is like this much further I am full of anxiety to the point my chest has been hurting the last two days. and in my head I am wishing it would just happen so I could leave this feeling. I want to give up right now, I cant fix me and fend off my angry child.

Dying

Twisted insides, will they ever begin to unravel? Entangling me, they are slowly strangling me Sucking the life and breath right out of me, the air I used to know has been both used & abused Anger & rage reside in its place, the only element of my existence at times

Darkness surrounds my curled up and & frigid body, floating in a pool of icy waters the light that used to be has gone out. Eyes closed tightly, yet I still see the danger all around me waiting to engulfs me, to digest me.
Predators hang not far from me, anticipating the taste of my failures & my fate.Silent yet screaming, my ears are filled with sirens of my dying self as I wait for death to ease my pain. Forgotten in the depths that are taking me lower, no anchor, no rope, no rescue just forgotten I am. Bleeding not blood but my soul as the waters blacken around me, shedding the remnants of my spirit, leaving only the salt of my dried up tears.I think this is what dying is, what dying feels like, a pain so deep and searing your flesh cannot feel. This is not what is alive, I am disappearing, I am dead.

Teeter Totter

September 1 2016

Jack asked me the other day, where I saw myself as far as making progress this past year. This is something that I have often thought about, where am I from where I was? The best way to explain where I am is to say that I am like a teeter-totter, up and down back and forth that is where I see myself right now. Do I believe that I am better than where I started? Yes Do I think I am where I want to be? No, hell no. I know that the days are going to be up and down and that there will never be only up days, I accept that. But when the bad days come (like right now) I hate them and it would be so easy to let myself dissociate and go away, I really want too but I don't. I don't even know what keeps me from slipping all the way back again because sometimes I really want too. I don't want to feel what I feel, I don't want to be aware of what is happening because then I am choosing to deal with all the pain I have locked away for so long. 

Right now, I want to jump off the teeter-totter and go crazy inside myself. I want to scream and break everything that is in my way and I want to destroy any life that I see. I want to be alone, I want to hide or die I don't know which, either one would be better than right now. I hate myself right now, I hate my life right now, I hate everything right now. I just do and I want to throw my fit and act like a child right now because that is what I want. I am angry and disgusted at the things and people in my life who stole from me, stole my light and my soul. Why can't I just be angry like this and fucking lose it? I don't want to try anymore and work as hard as I do to get better I fucking don't want to work that hard anymore!! It is tiring and it hurts so much people have no clue, they never will. I want the darkness again, I want to feel nothing, I want to die right now.