June 27, 2016
If I were to say to you "God is not real and neither are faith, hope or dreams" what would your thoughts be? Would you think I was crazy, or ignorant or perhaps I was closeminded? Would you laugh at me and tell me I didn't know what I was talking about or would you defend your beliefs in God, faith, hope and dreams by trying to explain to me that yes, they were all very real things? How could you make me believe they were real? What would you say to convince me that they were? Could you convince me with no other tangible proof and nothing but your words? Could you paint me a picture so that I could visualize exactly how they were real based on those words alone? And what if after all of your attempts to make me a believer I still told you that you were a liar and that they are not and cannot be real? Would you be furious with me, angry that I don;t agree, would you keep trying to sway my opinion or would you give up trying to make me see what you see, defeated because there is nothing you can say that will physically show me these things are real? Would your final explanation be that of "you don't have to see these things to know they exist"? and if it were would you be in agreement that your statement could possibly apply to all areas in life of a similar nature?
Now turn this scenario around and imagine this is the world I live in right now with my peers and how frustrating and utterly crazy making it can get. You see, the trauma and the changes in my brain are like God, faith, hope and dreams.....they are things that are not visually tangible and they are things that I cannot paint a picture of for you to see in a way that you will understand and relate to what I am going through. To me these two scenarios are exactly the same as one another but why then do people insist on thinking that because they cannot see inside my brain that the problems are not really there and I am not really suffering? It is very real to me, I am really going through all of the things I say I am, I am tired of trying to convince anyone in my life that this is true and frankly I am sick of people making me feel as if they have any right to question my situation or put me in the position where I feel I am having to justify myself. If you believe that God, faith, hopes and dreams can exist and be real without any physical affirmation then why is it so hard to believe that the same applies to me?
I am at the point where I no longer care what you think about me or my situation, I don't give a shit if you believe me or don't believe me and I certainly am not going to spend one more moment trying to justify myself to you as to why I am not functioning like I used to be. What right do you have to tell me that I must be lying about having episodes and they can't be that bad simply because you are too ignorant to know that you don't know everything in life? And to top it all off you have the nerve to tell me that YOU deserve to have your phone calls to me answered and an explanation when I am in the midst of having an episode as to why I am indisposed???? I must have been away when you became a Doctor, oh wait you aren't a Doctor! Then why the hell do you pretend to be one? What gives you the right to act as if you are the say all to end all of medical theories when it comes to what I am going through?
You are selfish and you are ignorant among other things, but mostly you are an idiot for behaving this way when you can't bother to educate yourself about what it is like to suffer from a TBI and have PTSD. Do you have any idea how your psyche might fare after a life such as mine? Nobody knows how they will come out of something traumatic until they come out of it so my advice to you would be to get off of your pedestal and start behaving like a friend should. I don't care to hear your convoluted opinions about what I "should" be doing to get better because I am doing all that I can already and there is nothing I haven't thought of to try and be better. When the day comes that you look in that mirror and realize the kind of person you have become, I hope that someone will be there to help you through the mess you created because that kind of inner battle is not one you can fight alone. My life does not and has not revolved around making you feel better as a person by treating me like shit and if friendship were a job I would fucking quit you like I quit feeling like a human being the day I let everyone tear me down and take what they wanted.
You are selfish and you are ignorant among other things, but mostly you are an idiot for behaving this way when you can't bother to educate yourself about what it is like to suffer from a TBI and have PTSD. Do you have any idea how your psyche might fare after a life such as mine? Nobody knows how they will come out of something traumatic until they come out of it so my advice to you would be to get off of your pedestal and start behaving like a friend should. I don't care to hear your convoluted opinions about what I "should" be doing to get better because I am doing all that I can already and there is nothing I haven't thought of to try and be better. When the day comes that you look in that mirror and realize the kind of person you have become, I hope that someone will be there to help you through the mess you created because that kind of inner battle is not one you can fight alone. My life does not and has not revolved around making you feel better as a person by treating me like shit and if friendship were a job I would fucking quit you like I quit feeling like a human being the day I let everyone tear me down and take what they wanted.
