Win....Loss...Lose

April 20, 2016

I am aware that our lives are not meant to be one steady stream of happiness, but only moments of it scattered throughout our journey to which we hope are enough to see us through the rest of our time here. When good days and moments come it makes me forget all about the death inside of me, and that window of happiness seems to be enough to sustain me for awhile. Just when I am relaxing and trusting enough of the moment and think that I am able to see light at the end of my darkness, reality is shattered and the hell beneath it starts to push its way though reminding me that it was all an illusion. 

Magic comes to mind when I hear illusion, but this is not magic because to me, magic is something that leaves you in awe and intrigued to find out how the impossible is possible. There is no awe in the way I feel anymore though I am intrigued that what I thought impossible is possible, one can continue existing in conditions of the self that have no reason to still be breathing. How is this possible? Logically everything in life has an opposite of itself whether it be the ground to the sky, the land to the water, tragedy to the inspiring and fulfilling, love to hate, to have is too lose......contradictions I call them. (as explained below)

Contradiction  

For every wish granted there's another that is lost. 

a dream or a miracle hardly worth what it cost 

Letting go to hang on, giving up to regain

The ultimate price to find happiness is our pain

Lonely to feel needed unwanted for desired

be wary when lively for the awakened will soon tire

Promises just let downs, disappointing to please

Freedoms that all come with hefty penalties and fees

Your sanity rides on you losing your mind

Remaining kind hearted will leave you equally unkind

A confusion so brilliant, a dirty look that's so clean

They call me the girl who is so nice that she is mean

Have something to say? I suggest write it down

smile the wrong way and you'll have just a frown

Tears reflect sadness yet I'm so angry I could cry?

They say you only live once because we exist just to die

Some think that the same principles apply to karmic retribution, that for every action there is a reaction, or better known as cause and effect. Do something get something in return seems simple? Not so much if you have a mind like mine where karma becomes much more than just cause and effect. Do a good thing have a good return and vice versa when you do something bad but for me karma is not about suffering for what we have done but maybe it exists to give us an insight or realization for what others must experience. If my theory is true then the destruction and tragedy in my life are not just to make me suffer for bad things that I have done, but help to give me insight into others pain to make me a more sympathetic human being so that I can be more empathetic to the human struggle. 

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I lost my train of thought and where I was going with this idea....frustrating. In any case I was reflecting on this weeks events. For a few days Jacob and I were doing really great, getting along, he was helping and trying to be mindful of the way he was treating me. Then last night happened and we are back to square one. No matter what Jack says about context and content that isn't my issue, because I can logically tell myself that he is a teenager and does not mean the hateful slurs he spits at me. But emotionally and psychologically? It throws me into flashbacks of Jake and his spiteful splendor to which I grew accustomed to hearing daily for all those years. I shrink down inside myself and cower in fear and despair over the personal attacks being made against my ability to be a good mother or a good person. I try when the moment comes to hear Jack in my mind speaking me back to reality but for whatever reason it does not work for me. I am usually left feeling destroyed, incomplete and beyond repair when the fight is said and done. 

I would really like a way to overcome this because if I can't find a way I don't know how to make it work anymore. Jacob left with a family friend and I don't know when he is coming back. After last night I was more convinced that I belong medicated or at a psychiatric hospital because I do not know how to continue functioning in his destructive presence. Last night I was genuinely afraid after he punched the walls and threw whatever was in front of him. He ended up outside screaming at everything that moved that it could fuck off and everyone could die. He expressed yet again, that he was punishing me for the wrongs that his dad had done to him and even though he knows it is wrong he can't stop the anger and directing it at me. To me, this is abusive and it reminds me of Jake in so many ways. I think Jacob sees this and in the moment uses my weakness to feel stronger but I don't think that he realizes to what extent he is pushing me and where he is pushing me to. 

Each fight is wearing my resilience down a little more and I don't know how many more fights can happen until that resilience becomes bone on bone. I do not wish to wait for that day to come because I truly believe when it does, that will be the end of my existence either mentally, physically or both. He is aware that he is supposed to see Jack tomorrow at 2 pm and I reminded him how important it was for him to be there but I don't feel like he will be there. I am again, lost on where to go from here and could use Jacks advise more than ever. 

Heavy

April 14, 2016

Cradling my head between my hands, it becomes heavy with my sobs until i am weighed down completely and ready to give in to the pressure, letting it crush me until i can breathe no more. . A raging war inside my spirit and mind have taken me prisoner from myself, my life and my child. I am no longer me but a body, an uncooperative vessel  with a dying woman fighting to break free from inside of it. Nothing is familiar in my world anymore and has been replaced with things and people who appear fake and in character.Hours in a day can pass by without one movement on my part aside from breathing and I have no idea how it happens without me feeling it or noticing the lapse of time. I find myself mostly lost in my irrational thoughts which never seem to make sense or have any reason to them just erratic, racing thoughts that make me crazy. Crazy to the point of destruction both of self and surroundings, throwing me into a rage whenever it wants too and and allowing me to destroy the things that I once loved.

Facing who I have become is not an option because I have no idea who I am anymore, I don’t recognize the woman in my mirror and try not to look at her too often because she scares me. I am afraid of who she is and what she stands for, I don’t like looking into her eyes because I see her scarred and beaten soul and it makes me hurt inside for her. I see the worry and fear in her dead eyes and wonder how they changed from the eyes that used to hold so much life in them. I feel like she is a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment and not feel bad for it. She begs me to help her when I look at her, silently asking me to end her pain and suffering and angry each time when I look away, telling her that I can’t do that for her but never answering why. A stranger in my own existence that wanders alone amongst a sea of souls without being detected unless it is to be beaten down or used for anothers personal gain.

24/7 I can hear the words in my head of all those who have previously contributed to my emotional and spiritual decline and no amount of noise can silence that kind of whisper. I have outgrown my ability to cope with or manage my pain and have not been able to find relief enough to want to live with it any longer. Things I once enjoyed are cumbersome and annoying to me and most days I could care less about how to fake a smile for the spectators who still show up to see my circus. I cannot stop what has already been derailed and each day that passes is a reminder that I still haven't found the answer to why I have allowed everyone to take from me the only thing that could sustain life, my spirit. Nothing feels right or just anymore, I don't know if it ever will after what has been taken from me. Even still I find myself rocking gently side to side often and wonder when this became so soothing to my broken and anxious soul, I never noticed it before now but it seems to be the only comforting thing I can give myself so for now, I will quietly rock on.

Trying to stand my ground

April 13. 2016

I have been trying so hard to remain a calm and understanding parent, realizing that i have a teenager who does things not to hurt me but because he is a teenager. I tried square breathing today, I tried to meditate, listen to music, take a time out but nothing worked and I woke up on my bathroom floor with a pounding headache and swollen face. 

I knew something bad had happened i just couldnt remember all of the details. So I back tracked to try and recall today. Last night was a good night, so was the last week and I was hopeful that my kid and I were on a better track and that we were finally understanding eachother. I allowed him to stay over at a friends since they had late start today and he gave me his word that he would work on his homework so that he could turn it in today. He called me a little before 1:00am as I was on my way to bed and he asked me to bring him clothing and his phone charger so that he would be able to have an alarm for school. He asked me to pick him up and take him to school in the morning and I agreed, then drove him his stuff, came home and crashed. 

I remember being upset and feeling that it was selfish and insensitive for him to ask me to bring him things. It was late and I was tired and felt like I shouldn't be driving but I did it anyway. I woke up before 8 this morning so that I could make him breakfast and get him to school by 9. But that would never happen because after 20 phone calls to both him and his friend to wake them I gave up and scurried to my safe place to think about how to handle this. After 9 he sent me a text message saying that he decided not to go to school so that he could stay at his friends and have him help him finish the 50+ missing assignments he had promised to get done already. He tried to justify his decision with the fact that he was already so far behind so it wouldn't matter. 

Except for the fact that he currently has all F's and is on truancy probation with the school from last semester so missing any more school will only make the situation for him and myself that much worse. I sat for a long time to think about how to handle this, letting a natural consequence happen did not feel adequate so I chose to text him and give him two choices. A) Get home, work on homework, clean his room, take his dog for a walk, no fighting, no episodes, no anger  or B) No option B because it was non negotiable. If he chose B and refused to follow the rules then he could either start paying  rent and his phone bill or choose to live somewhere else. I did not feel my choice was harsh or too out of line but in all of that he only saw, pay me rent or get out because he wanted to hang out with his friend? ridiculous! he told me that he was only 15 that i couldnt make him pay rent to live here or food that I had to take care of him and that he wasnt coming home, he was staying at his friends and would be home when he wanted. 

I explained calmly that he was right, he was only 15 which was why he would follow the rules and be home as asked, end of disussion. I was the parent and it was my responsiblity to look after him and it was his job to respect the rules. But he kept going, telling me what a shitty mom I was and how stupid it was to punish him for wanting to hang out with his friends, that it was no big deal so whatever you were never there for me so i dont have to listen to you bye. 

After that, the only thing I remember was calling him for help after an episode began and him coming home just to tell me that he was going back to his friends house and would be back later. He left me in a state of episode where I was having a hard time breathing and was crying and feeling very afraid. He left me to go hang out with this friends some more, so I laid there crying for help until I crawled into the bathroom which is where i woke up later. I do not know how long I was unconcsious but i had hit my head and now have a swollen face and huge lump above my eye and am not seeing good. I was confused and not making sense when jim got home. Jacob called him to tell him to come home that i needed him but failed to tell him that he had been here and left me that way. 

When i got up to come blog about today I come out of my bedroom and see that my  house is destroyed with clothes and stuff thrown everywhere like it was ransacked. I dont knwo if i did it or if he did but its there. He hasnt come home since and is still hanging out with his friends like nothing happened. I am at the end of my rope as of today, i feel that he put my life in jeapordy by choosing to leave me in the midst of my episode and that if he hadnt done that I wouldnt have been trying to crawl to the bathroom and wouldnt have hit my head. I dont know what to do but i dont want to have him in my home if this is what he chooses to make important in his life and refuses to do what he needs to as a student and a son. I want to check into the hospital today to get help, I feel out of control and manic and afraid.There is no way i can continue to be treated this way in my own home becasue i cant cope as it is with my psychological state and am afraid that this is going to push me to the point that i want to hurt myself becaues i cant take being pushed this way, it reminds me of jake and the way he used to manipulate and fuck with my head. its the same to me and im going to snap I need to get help 

regret

April 5, 2016

I would give anything to be able to be present for my life, my family and myself right now. I realize how many things I have missed these past 4 years and am regretful that my focus has not been on right now. I try, but my mind more often than not feels so far away and detached from what is going on around me that before I truly realize things, time has passed and the moment is over. 

I am watching my beautiful boy grow up before my eyes. No longer a curious, energetic little 5 year old like the boy who lives in my memory. I see what life and people have done to him just like it has done to me and it makes me afraid that he will hurt as badly as i do someday, and I don't want that for him but I cannot stop it. Why can't I be better if not for myself then for my child? Why can't I overcome this place I have been in and see what it is costing me? I want for time to stand still so that I can catch up with myself and figure out how to change what is happening inside of me. 

I want to find my smile again, my pride and my love of life and people. I want to be recognized again, to be seen and heard for the things I cherish about myself that make me feel good about who I am. I want to be able to give my time to the career that I loved and devoted myself too again, but I know that these are things that are not here right now and I just need to find them. 

The worst

April 3, 2016

For 16 years I gave everything I had to a career and co-workers that I truly loved. Not a day went by that I didn't want to go to work and do what I loved, what I excelled at and what gave me the most happiness in my life.  Working anywhere from 40-80 hours a week sometimes 5 days sometimes 7 always taking work home with me. I was driven, focused and learning more when I could, never wanting to stop educating myself on how to be a better employee and be able to give my clients more. 

I never imagined at the age of 21 that the choice I made to apply for a job at a Farmers Insurance office would turn into a lifetime career. I didn't look that far ahead back then, I simply needed to make a change in where I was heading and had never had an office job up until that point. My first year with Sandra's office should have been it for me. My boss was a drunk on prescription medication and made me go on daily liquor runs for her to keep her addiction flowing. I drove her brand new Subaru Legacy and I was her only way to get home safely, she would have her husband drive her to work in the mornings. I did work for 5 full time Insurance Agents and Producers and I serviced and maintained all of her 2300 clients. I didn't take days off or vacations that 4 years I worked for her and I never told anyone about what went on in her office because I truly felt sorry for her. 

I was involved in 3 company audits while employed with her, and in the end I was forced to cooperate with authorities when they learned she had been stealing client payments for her personal use. I was part of a team that her Agents formed who tried to help her with her addictions and save her Agency. We staged an intervention after finding boxes of Life Insurance applications with cashed checks but no policies and dozens of empty gallon Vodka bottles hidden throughout her office. She denied it all and refused to accept our help and the waiting bed we had set up at a local treatment center. That was the day that I could no longer work for her and hide her secrets and another Agent in her office took me on and we moved out the next week to another location. 

Because of my ability to adapt in such a negative environment I was able to figure out the things I didn't know how to do and became determined to become the best customer service agent I could possibly be. I was the highest paid csr in my field who wasn't licensed and was being given bonuses for writing new policies even though I should have been licensed to receive bonuses. I was the most experienced girl in Spokane and most of the Agents I knew would have me come out to train their girls and get them up to speed. I had several Agents themselves ask me for help and training and all of my relationships with the Agencies were positive and lasting, never burning a bridge when I moved around to different offices. 

I never had to fill out an application or apply to work for an Agent if I wanted to move up in my career. They always approached me to work for them, one of the Agents waiting over a year for me to accept his offer. That Agent became my mentor and longest running employer at 6 years. He showed me Commercial Insurance and I fell in love with it. We were a great team and never had any issues working together. He enjoyed the fact that he had the number one csr in our region and was happy to lend me out to train new csr's and Agents whenever they needed me. He owned the house that Jake and I rented and I did my best to keep my home life separate from working for him. I spent my entire marriage to Jake working for him, and I never spoke about my problems to my boss though he knew for years something had to be going wrong. I never had to say anything to him, he just knew and a few years into my marriage my boss put a bathroom shower and bed in a back office then told me it was ok for me to stay there anytime I needed too, no questions asked. It wasn't until the end of August 2009 that I could no longer hide what was happening from him. It was early on a Monday morning when he came to work expecting for his office to be open and lights on with me on the phone checking messages when he came in. But not that day, that day he came upon an office whose lights were still off, window shades still drawn and phones ringing off the hook. He would find me at my desk, broken, beaten and sobbing with my head laid down, and when he turned on the lights and said my name "Chelle?" he would see someone unrecognizable whose face and right arm were so badly beaten and bruised it made that grown man breakdown in tears too. 

We sat across from one another for a long time, not saying a word to each other just crying and him holding my hand. When he did speak he told me I had to leave Jake that this had gone too far and that I would pay with my life if I didn't leave him. He wanted to know what had transpired over the weekend and I did what i had never before done, I told him the truth and every detail about that weekend not holding anything back. He closed the office that day and we never took one phone call as the lines rang off the hook until 5:00 that night. He sat and listened to me, disbelieving of what he heard while a continuous stream of tears flowed down his face. I remember the look in his eyes was like looking at something that deeply terrified and scared him but he couldn't do anything to stop it. 

I began with my last day at work the week before, on Thursday. I had gotten home around 5:30 that night and as usual was met by my neighbor Neva at the mailboxes for a quick chat and a smile. She was a little old Angel in my life and without fail Monday-Friday Neva would be waiting outside for me to get home so she could say hello. I think that she must have always known what was going on in my house because she always made sure her presence was known to Jake and that he knew someone saw me everyday and would question if I wasn't there someday. After our quick chat I went into the house and was met with Jake in a fit of anger already, cursing and throwing things around the house for no reason. 

And I knew that my night was about to get ugly, I just didn't know for how long or how bad it would get. It ended up being the worst weekend of my existence and there was never another time in my marriage to Jake that I felt more scared or tortured. We were to be leaving the next day to head to Olympia Washington to be guest speakers at the Hempfest that was held all weekend. We still had to pack and get ready and still needed to make a trip to Hermiston Oregon to his family's farm to pick up a 15,000 pound load of watermelons to take to Olympia with us to sell. Jake decided that I needed to understand and realize what life was life not having legs like him and proceeded to demand that I spend the entire evening packing our truck by doing so on my knees. He didn't care that our driveway was made of cobblestone or that it was at least 12 feet from the house through the garage to where our truck and trailer were parked. He just wanted me to do it on my knees while he screamed and threw whatever he could find at my head all fucking night long. 

I never tried to refuse his request because I knew that would make it worse. I spent all night until around 3 am struggling to carry supplies with my hands while walking on my knees to the truck. I could barely manage near the end and there was a bloody trail from inside my house through the garage out to the truck from my legs being torn up shuffling across the cobblestone driveway. I remember looking at the blood trail thinking "i wonder if this is what a snails trail would look like it they bled when they moved?". Odd thought I know, but it was all that came to my mind as I had to block out all that Jake was saying and doing to me. I also thought about how I couldn't forget Jake's leg braces because he needed them to stand up on while he was on stage speaking to the thousands of people who would be listening to him. 

Around 3 in the morning he finally had enough fun and told me to come inside and get cleaned up. I wanted to lay down so badly and go to sleep, just sleep and rest my bloody and torn up legs, I hurt so badly but somehow I couldn't really feel the amount of pain I was in. I collapsed from exhaustion inside of the bathroom door, laying on my side while I tried to peel my pants off of my legs without taking off more skin. I was allowed to crawl into the bath tub and soak my aching body for awhile and I honestly thought he was done torturing me after he saw what that nights work had done to my legs and to me. But I was sadly mistaken and I mistakenly underestimated Jake's ability to torture a woman who had done nothing but love and take care of him and would soon find out how demented and evil he really was. 

When he thought I had taken long enough to take a bath he came rolling into the doorway and told me to get out and dry off. As I was getting out of the tub i looked up at the ceiling and it hit me. About a week before that Jake had one of his buddies come over and install a pully system over the tub so that he could lift himself up out of his chair into it without hurting himself. It had a rope through the pully and a winch that when pressed would pull the rope up, locking it into place wherever he wanted to stop it. Until that moment It had never crossed my mind that he could use it for any other purpose, then the panic set in as Jake neared my naked, broken body with a knife and a set of handcuffs in his lap. 

No matter what i chose to do, I would either die or get hurt very badly so I usually chose to comply with his insane demands to try to make it easier on myself. This time, I didn't want to comply, I would rather have died at his hands then do what he asked of me but I ended up complying in the end. Jake fashioned the rope into a noose and wrapped it around my neck and handcuffed my hands behind my back. My face was lowered down just above the top of the tub, which he filled with water as full as it would go without  it overflowing. If I tried to sit down off my knees, I would get strangled or my face would fall in the water and I would drown. I wouldn't dare try to stand up and get relief either because he sat in our bedroom which adjoined the bathroom, so that he could monitor what I was doing. He forced me to sit in this position for over 7 hours until after 10:00 the next morning.

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* I have to stop here and will continue at another time. Writing about this night is extremely painful and I am not doing well at the moment. I am sorry* 

Somewhere else

March 31, 2016

A  heaviness sets in, like the weight of a thousand elephants are standing upon your shoulders. Pressing you further into the ground, straining your neck muscles from trying to stand up. I desire to curl up into a call the way my body is naturally feeling because it is slowly curling up to die. When you talk to me, I am not listening because all that i can hear are the screams and fits that are going on in my head. I see your lips moving and I nod my head, but I am not here and haven't been for so long. I am sorry I cannot be present to what your are saying, it may be important but right now I can't listen to a word you say. 

Every muscle in my body is aching and tired, even my fingertips. Any attempted movement puts my body through shame, joints popping, bones cracking, tendons tightened beyond the norm. Anything more than a slow walk is like trying to wade through a pool of honey and molasses, good luck.  My eyelids feel droopy and heavy too, like they want to slide right down my cheeks onto the ground. One minute feels like one hundred and even when I am sitting in silence I am never sitting in quiet because the noise has never stopped. 

Dazed and misplaced, a look of confusion has taken permanent residence on my face. I can see what others see just by watching their reaction. Lying to me is the worst because I still feel you so you can't hide anything. Not one friend who wants the answer to "how are you today?" Even if I did answer truthfully the person asking could care less, it is a habit learned over a lifetime, autonomic response that spits out the same answers. "Yes, I am fine but actually no I am not" 

I don't want to be alone but I am afraid to be around anyone. I don't want them to see my pain, my fears, my battle. But silent I remain, fearful that anything can be used against me and or taken out of context. I don't want to be somewhere else, anywhere but right here. I want to be free from this shit that is taking me down bleow where I desire to be. 

Time is fading away and so am I....I want to be somewhere else, anywhere just until the darkness lifts why is that too much