Win....Loss...Lose

April 20, 2016

I am aware that our lives are not meant to be one steady stream of happiness, but only moments of it scattered throughout our journey to which we hope are enough to see us through the rest of our time here. When good days and moments come it makes me forget all about the death inside of me, and that window of happiness seems to be enough to sustain me for awhile. Just when I am relaxing and trusting enough of the moment and think that I am able to see light at the end of my darkness, reality is shattered and the hell beneath it starts to push its way though reminding me that it was all an illusion. 

Magic comes to mind when I hear illusion, but this is not magic because to me, magic is something that leaves you in awe and intrigued to find out how the impossible is possible. There is no awe in the way I feel anymore though I am intrigued that what I thought impossible is possible, one can continue existing in conditions of the self that have no reason to still be breathing. How is this possible? Logically everything in life has an opposite of itself whether it be the ground to the sky, the land to the water, tragedy to the inspiring and fulfilling, love to hate, to have is too lose......contradictions I call them. (as explained below)

Contradiction  

For every wish granted there's another that is lost. 

a dream or a miracle hardly worth what it cost 

Letting go to hang on, giving up to regain

The ultimate price to find happiness is our pain

Lonely to feel needed unwanted for desired

be wary when lively for the awakened will soon tire

Promises just let downs, disappointing to please

Freedoms that all come with hefty penalties and fees

Your sanity rides on you losing your mind

Remaining kind hearted will leave you equally unkind

A confusion so brilliant, a dirty look that's so clean

They call me the girl who is so nice that she is mean

Have something to say? I suggest write it down

smile the wrong way and you'll have just a frown

Tears reflect sadness yet I'm so angry I could cry?

They say you only live once because we exist just to die

Some think that the same principles apply to karmic retribution, that for every action there is a reaction, or better known as cause and effect. Do something get something in return seems simple? Not so much if you have a mind like mine where karma becomes much more than just cause and effect. Do a good thing have a good return and vice versa when you do something bad but for me karma is not about suffering for what we have done but maybe it exists to give us an insight or realization for what others must experience. If my theory is true then the destruction and tragedy in my life are not just to make me suffer for bad things that I have done, but help to give me insight into others pain to make me a more sympathetic human being so that I can be more empathetic to the human struggle. 

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I lost my train of thought and where I was going with this idea....frustrating. In any case I was reflecting on this weeks events. For a few days Jacob and I were doing really great, getting along, he was helping and trying to be mindful of the way he was treating me. Then last night happened and we are back to square one. No matter what Jack says about context and content that isn't my issue, because I can logically tell myself that he is a teenager and does not mean the hateful slurs he spits at me. But emotionally and psychologically? It throws me into flashbacks of Jake and his spiteful splendor to which I grew accustomed to hearing daily for all those years. I shrink down inside myself and cower in fear and despair over the personal attacks being made against my ability to be a good mother or a good person. I try when the moment comes to hear Jack in my mind speaking me back to reality but for whatever reason it does not work for me. I am usually left feeling destroyed, incomplete and beyond repair when the fight is said and done. 

I would really like a way to overcome this because if I can't find a way I don't know how to make it work anymore. Jacob left with a family friend and I don't know when he is coming back. After last night I was more convinced that I belong medicated or at a psychiatric hospital because I do not know how to continue functioning in his destructive presence. Last night I was genuinely afraid after he punched the walls and threw whatever was in front of him. He ended up outside screaming at everything that moved that it could fuck off and everyone could die. He expressed yet again, that he was punishing me for the wrongs that his dad had done to him and even though he knows it is wrong he can't stop the anger and directing it at me. To me, this is abusive and it reminds me of Jake in so many ways. I think Jacob sees this and in the moment uses my weakness to feel stronger but I don't think that he realizes to what extent he is pushing me and where he is pushing me to. 

Each fight is wearing my resilience down a little more and I don't know how many more fights can happen until that resilience becomes bone on bone. I do not wish to wait for that day to come because I truly believe when it does, that will be the end of my existence either mentally, physically or both. He is aware that he is supposed to see Jack tomorrow at 2 pm and I reminded him how important it was for him to be there but I don't feel like he will be there. I am again, lost on where to go from here and could use Jacks advise more than ever.