I have been trying so hard to remain a calm and understanding parent, realizing that i have a teenager who does things not to hurt me but because he is a teenager. I tried square breathing today, I tried to meditate, listen to music, take a time out but nothing worked and I woke up on my bathroom floor with a pounding headache and swollen face.
I knew something bad had happened i just couldnt remember all of the details. So I back tracked to try and recall today. Last night was a good night, so was the last week and I was hopeful that my kid and I were on a better track and that we were finally understanding eachother. I allowed him to stay over at a friends since they had late start today and he gave me his word that he would work on his homework so that he could turn it in today. He called me a little before 1:00am as I was on my way to bed and he asked me to bring him clothing and his phone charger so that he would be able to have an alarm for school. He asked me to pick him up and take him to school in the morning and I agreed, then drove him his stuff, came home and crashed.
I remember being upset and feeling that it was selfish and insensitive for him to ask me to bring him things. It was late and I was tired and felt like I shouldn't be driving but I did it anyway. I woke up before 8 this morning so that I could make him breakfast and get him to school by 9. But that would never happen because after 20 phone calls to both him and his friend to wake them I gave up and scurried to my safe place to think about how to handle this. After 9 he sent me a text message saying that he decided not to go to school so that he could stay at his friends and have him help him finish the 50+ missing assignments he had promised to get done already. He tried to justify his decision with the fact that he was already so far behind so it wouldn't matter.
Except for the fact that he currently has all F's and is on truancy probation with the school from last semester so missing any more school will only make the situation for him and myself that much worse. I sat for a long time to think about how to handle this, letting a natural consequence happen did not feel adequate so I chose to text him and give him two choices. A) Get home, work on homework, clean his room, take his dog for a walk, no fighting, no episodes, no anger or B) No option B because it was non negotiable. If he chose B and refused to follow the rules then he could either start paying rent and his phone bill or choose to live somewhere else. I did not feel my choice was harsh or too out of line but in all of that he only saw, pay me rent or get out because he wanted to hang out with his friend? ridiculous! he told me that he was only 15 that i couldnt make him pay rent to live here or food that I had to take care of him and that he wasnt coming home, he was staying at his friends and would be home when he wanted.
I explained calmly that he was right, he was only 15 which was why he would follow the rules and be home as asked, end of disussion. I was the parent and it was my responsiblity to look after him and it was his job to respect the rules. But he kept going, telling me what a shitty mom I was and how stupid it was to punish him for wanting to hang out with his friends, that it was no big deal so whatever you were never there for me so i dont have to listen to you bye.
After that, the only thing I remember was calling him for help after an episode began and him coming home just to tell me that he was going back to his friends house and would be back later. He left me in a state of episode where I was having a hard time breathing and was crying and feeling very afraid. He left me to go hang out with this friends some more, so I laid there crying for help until I crawled into the bathroom which is where i woke up later. I do not know how long I was unconcsious but i had hit my head and now have a swollen face and huge lump above my eye and am not seeing good. I was confused and not making sense when jim got home. Jacob called him to tell him to come home that i needed him but failed to tell him that he had been here and left me that way.
When i got up to come blog about today I come out of my bedroom and see that my house is destroyed with clothes and stuff thrown everywhere like it was ransacked. I dont knwo if i did it or if he did but its there. He hasnt come home since and is still hanging out with his friends like nothing happened. I am at the end of my rope as of today, i feel that he put my life in jeapordy by choosing to leave me in the midst of my episode and that if he hadnt done that I wouldnt have been trying to crawl to the bathroom and wouldnt have hit my head. I dont know what to do but i dont want to have him in my home if this is what he chooses to make important in his life and refuses to do what he needs to as a student and a son. I want to check into the hospital today to get help, I feel out of control and manic and afraid.There is no way i can continue to be treated this way in my own home becasue i cant cope as it is with my psychological state and am afraid that this is going to push me to the point that i want to hurt myself becaues i cant take being pushed this way, it reminds me of jake and the way he used to manipulate and fuck with my head. its the same to me and im going to snap I need to get help
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