Cradling my head between my hands, it becomes heavy with my sobs until i am weighed down completely and ready to give in to the pressure, letting it crush me until i can breathe no more. . A raging war inside my spirit and mind have taken me prisoner from myself, my life and my child. I am no longer me but a body, an uncooperative vessel with a dying woman fighting to break free from inside of it. Nothing is familiar in my world anymore and has been replaced with things and people who appear fake and in character.Hours in a day can pass by without one movement on my part aside from breathing and I have no idea how it happens without me feeling it or noticing the lapse of time. I find myself mostly lost in my irrational thoughts which never seem to make sense or have any reason to them just erratic, racing thoughts that make me crazy. Crazy to the point of destruction both of self and surroundings, throwing me into a rage whenever it wants too and and allowing me to destroy the things that I once loved.
Facing who I have become is not an option because I have no idea who I am anymore, I don’t recognize the woman in my mirror and try not to look at her too often because she scares me. I am afraid of who she is and what she stands for, I don’t like looking into her eyes because I see her scarred and beaten soul and it makes me hurt inside for her. I see the worry and fear in her dead eyes and wonder how they changed from the eyes that used to hold so much life in them. I feel like she is a ticking time bomb that could go off at any moment and not feel bad for it. She begs me to help her when I look at her, silently asking me to end her pain and suffering and angry each time when I look away, telling her that I can’t do that for her but never answering why. A stranger in my own existence that wanders alone amongst a sea of souls without being detected unless it is to be beaten down or used for anothers personal gain.
24/7 I can hear the words in my head of all those who have previously contributed to my emotional and spiritual decline and no amount of noise can silence that kind of whisper. I have outgrown my ability to cope with or manage my pain and have not been able to find relief enough to want to live with it any longer. Things I once enjoyed are cumbersome and annoying to me and most days I could care less about how to fake a smile for the spectators who still show up to see my circus. I cannot stop what has already been derailed and each day that passes is a reminder that I still haven't found the answer to why I have allowed everyone to take from me the only thing that could sustain life, my spirit. Nothing feels right or just anymore, I don't know if it ever will after what has been taken from me. Even still I find myself rocking gently side to side often and wonder when this became so soothing to my broken and anxious soul, I never noticed it before now but it seems to be the only comforting thing I can give myself so for now, I will quietly rock on.
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