Somewhere else

March 31, 2016

A  heaviness sets in, like the weight of a thousand elephants are standing upon your shoulders. Pressing you further into the ground, straining your neck muscles from trying to stand up. I desire to curl up into a call the way my body is naturally feeling because it is slowly curling up to die. When you talk to me, I am not listening because all that i can hear are the screams and fits that are going on in my head. I see your lips moving and I nod my head, but I am not here and haven't been for so long. I am sorry I cannot be present to what your are saying, it may be important but right now I can't listen to a word you say. 

Every muscle in my body is aching and tired, even my fingertips. Any attempted movement puts my body through shame, joints popping, bones cracking, tendons tightened beyond the norm. Anything more than a slow walk is like trying to wade through a pool of honey and molasses, good luck.  My eyelids feel droopy and heavy too, like they want to slide right down my cheeks onto the ground. One minute feels like one hundred and even when I am sitting in silence I am never sitting in quiet because the noise has never stopped. 

Dazed and misplaced, a look of confusion has taken permanent residence on my face. I can see what others see just by watching their reaction. Lying to me is the worst because I still feel you so you can't hide anything. Not one friend who wants the answer to "how are you today?" Even if I did answer truthfully the person asking could care less, it is a habit learned over a lifetime, autonomic response that spits out the same answers. "Yes, I am fine but actually no I am not" 

I don't want to be alone but I am afraid to be around anyone. I don't want them to see my pain, my fears, my battle. But silent I remain, fearful that anything can be used against me and or taken out of context. I don't want to be somewhere else, anywhere but right here. I want to be free from this shit that is taking me down bleow where I desire to be. 

Time is fading away and so am I....I want to be somewhere else, anywhere just until the darkness lifts why is that too much