regret

April 5, 2016

I would give anything to be able to be present for my life, my family and myself right now. I realize how many things I have missed these past 4 years and am regretful that my focus has not been on right now. I try, but my mind more often than not feels so far away and detached from what is going on around me that before I truly realize things, time has passed and the moment is over. 

I am watching my beautiful boy grow up before my eyes. No longer a curious, energetic little 5 year old like the boy who lives in my memory. I see what life and people have done to him just like it has done to me and it makes me afraid that he will hurt as badly as i do someday, and I don't want that for him but I cannot stop it. Why can't I be better if not for myself then for my child? Why can't I overcome this place I have been in and see what it is costing me? I want for time to stand still so that I can catch up with myself and figure out how to change what is happening inside of me. 

I want to find my smile again, my pride and my love of life and people. I want to be recognized again, to be seen and heard for the things I cherish about myself that make me feel good about who I am. I want to be able to give my time to the career that I loved and devoted myself too again, but I know that these are things that are not here right now and I just need to find them.