For you Jack!

Review for Brain Healing Website

november 10, 2016

I have spent many nights trying to perfect what I would want people to know about how amazing Jack and Kathleen are for the new website. I know this is way too long so I am working on revising it but wanted Jack to read what I would like to say. :) I am continuing to work on it so that it will be shortened.

Chelle

One Would not expect to find a universal solution to encompass many different problems amongst many people, yet I have found that this has been the general consensus with all of the therapists I have sought out. Each time I gained the courage to try again and bear my open wounds to yet another accredited Therapist who specialized in Traumatic Brain injury and PTSD, I was met with the same textbook meet and greet and hasty diagnosis. My problem was not that I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but that I couldn’t find one therapist who was willing to listen to what I was actually asking for. I spent the past 5 years doing my own research and self discovery as I was not complacent to just sit and wait for a perfect stranger to show me a miracle when they couldn’t even show me the respect of simply listening, actually hearing me.

My other concern was that my belief that traditional medications for mental health issues was not for me, not only went unheard but seemed to go against the cookie cutter protocol of treatment plans provided by these therapists. I quickly learned that to advocate for myself and a treatment plan that was psychotropic free, was not an acceptable expectation and was misconstrued as a refusal for care and treatment. It never seemed to matter that it was I who had initiated the services of these therapists, that I was there with the intention that I wanted to help myself with their assistance, I just preferred to accomplish this without being under the influence of pharmaceuticals. I did not need to medicate myself, what I was desperate to do was to HEAL  myself and gain the necessary skills to continue healing long after therapy was finished.

What I used to view as roadblocks and failures each time I quit a therapist, suddenly became stepping stones to the place that I was meant to find and the people meant to help me complete my journey. That place is Brain Healing LLC and those people are the reason that I am still here today, they are why i can finally say with certainty that I am going to be alright. The moment that I walked through Jack & Kathleen Stell's doors, I was immediately struck with the feeling that opening those doors symbolized walking into their open arms and open hearts. It felt like I was finally  “home” and that feeling has never gone away, it is still present every time I walk through the doors of Brain Healing. It became the exact thing I needed in order to be just brave enough to take the next step to finding wellness and hope once again. Something I was not aware I was lacking from my previous therapists, but now it makes so much sense to me. It explains why I remained guarded up until that point, why I never truly bared the rawness of my pain and fears even though I desired to be that vulnerable and open to being redefined in who I was.

Jack’s first and foremost plan of action is to make sure that you are always 110%....SAFE, both physically and psychologically. This is not negotiable for any reason and remains the most important aspect of the client/patient relationship that Jack works so  hard to develop with each individual he sees. Trust is earned through patience and at the pace you define, and he is as committed as you are in finding the right treatment plan. Every possibility and idea is openly shared by Jack so that you are as much a part of the process as you choose to be. This ensures that while I am in a session with Jack, 100% of my attention and focus will be on the work we are doing and the outcome I am working towards.  It is comforting  to know that Jack himself, has done this same work as what he teaches and you wouldn’t know that a man with his demeanor, empathy and sincerity is also a Combat Naval Veteran who suffers from TBI and PTSD. He truly is your equal and is personally invested in each client successful journey to wellness. Jack’s methods are highly  complimented when paired with Neurofeedback, which is facilitated by his partner and amazing wife, Kathleen. She is the absolute Wizard of Neurofeedback,  being considerate and patient enough to allow a client the opportunity to not only experience Neurofeedback but somewhat become an expert if they so choose. She openly educates you on the process and protocols of each session and takes the time to go through each brain scan, showing you the comparisons between where your brain was when you started Neurofeedback, and how much your brain has changed through each scan.

Jack & Kathleen are both personally and professionally an open book, inviting you to be as involved in your treatment plans as you would like to be. Every question asked of them is not only answered but often accompanied by hard evidence of why they came to that answer so that it makes sense to you. They have spared no expense to ensure they are providing their clients with the highest quality of Neurofeedback equipment and software, which solidifies the essence of “only the best for the best”  for all of their clients. One of the most unexpected benefits of being a client of theirs is that you will undoubtedly become another member of their “family”,  which also consists of Freja, Jack’s German Shepherd Service Dog and Charlie, the vanguard representative and welcoming committee to all who come through the doors.  Both equally as vital to the Company, they complete what makes Brain Healing an Agency that is as whole and cohesive as you can get with a staff consisting of more than one person. They are a perfect example of what is possible when you are paired with some of the most amazing and inspiring individuals.

While Brain Healing may not be a perfect fit for everyone and/or every situation they were, are and always will be a perfect fit for me and my journey to finding myself again. It is hard to imagine that had I not found Brain Healing I wouldn’t be writing these words,  I would have succumbed to the depression and hopelessness and taken my own life. For some that level of realization will be harsh, but it was my reality, is it a reality of yours? Have you sunk to this level of realization and given up on finding a reason to try one more time? If you have, I urge you to be just brave enough and see if Brain Healing can hel you find your way too. It was my greatest moment of clarity when I took that last chance for myself and I am so grateful to be a part of the family that Brain Healing is. I owe a great debt of gratitude to both Jack and & Kathleen for tirelessly giving of themselves, their knowledge and their time so that others have an opportunity to create a beautiful existence from tragedy and despair.  For the first time in my life I finally have a firm grip on who I am and where I want to go and each day I feel stronger than the one before because I am able to utilize the tools Jack has taught me to become present to my own life. I could go on forever listing the miracles they work in people's lives, but the true impact of what Jack and Kathleen are doing for others can only be felt and not told of. You have nothing to lose by reaching out to them and everything to gain if you do, I know you can be just brave enough this one last time. :)

Happy 3rd Anniversary Daddy

October 5 2017

If someone had told me what it would feel like to lose my father, I am not certain that I would want to have lived if only to experience this level of pain in my heart. Today marks 3 years that my dad is gone from our physical world, 3 years of him missing out on our lives, our children's lives. No longer here to pick up the phone when I call him, no more letters or emails from him, no more I love you's upon our ears at the end of the day, just no more anything. The tradition for daddy's anniversary, birthday or fathers day has been for all of us to gather at my house, write our messages on balloons, say a few words and laugh then release the balloons in the hopes our words might reach him in heaven. My sister and I both promised him that after he went we would do our best to work on a relationship with one another and that we would make sure to spend time with each other no matter what. I meant what I said and I thought that she did too, which is why it hurt even more that she ditched me on his anniversary of all days because she made plans to hang out with a girlfriend instead and my mother decided to go to bingo instead of coming too. So here I am, alone by myself celebrating my dads anniversary for the first time without the others who once loved him and wanted to keep his memory alive with me. 

I am not only hurt, I am angry as hell that I am by myself even though I know my family has the right to do whatever they like, I just wish it didn't have to be on this day. I don't want to forget my father, I don't want to make other plans and not celebrate him and his life, i don't want to be here celebrating him alone, but I am. It terrifies me that this is what will happen when I die too, that people will forget me, forget that I ever existed in their lives, will make other plans on the one day that I would want them to remember me. Maybe this is all that we get when life ends, to be forgotten and end up wherever we go when we die. I am devastated at this thought but am not reassured that there is much more, to be honest. 

Today is supposed to be a day full of laughter and feeling loved and close to my father with my family by my side. But why am I surprised because this is how my family has always treated me so why is it hurting me so much? Because I put my faith in them when I knew better and I got let down by them, my fault entirely for believing that they could care about anyone but themselves. 

Thank you so much

September 14, 2017

Dear Michelle,

I realized today that I had forgotten to do something very important, and I hope you can forgive me for not doing this sooner. Since January of last year we have been on an extraordinary journey together, you and I, both of us making changes in ourselves and finally embracing all of the pain we have been through. For the past month I have really struggled emotionally and was not certain why, but after seeing Jack today he gave me some insight that I had not thought of before. Please bear with me as it is important to find the right words to express just how grateful I am for you because without you there would be....no ME.

Each morning when I look in the mirror, I see more and more of who I am becoming and I reflect on how I got to this place, right now, right here. Every day I see you in my mind, and I know now that I have to set you free so that you can find the closure that you have needed to. I want to thank you for being you, for being so strong and resilient at everything you did in life no matter how painful or hopeless it seemed. You were always strong and determined to be someone who didn't let others get her down, you refused to let someone else snuff out the light inside of you even when it was so small that it barely flickered. I admire the part of you that didn't know what it was like to give up or quit, and I am espectially fond of the fact that you always tried and went into things head first, never doubting that you could or would accomplish something.  You were and are incredibly warm-hearted and an open book with people, even strangers. People always felt comfortable and drawn to you and opened themselves up to you when they had never done that with anyone else before, you comforted others and reassured them that everything would be ok and you have done the same for me. 

I try to think about how you managed to remain so brave and tough through your life, what was it that drove you to keep moving forward through it all? I will never know that answer but I do know that I owe you everything because of it, you have been my rock and foundation for all these years but it is time to let you have peace and release you from carrying me any further. Thank you for being the kind of girl who was confident in herself and her abilities, thank you for being the one to shield me from the unpleasantness of growing up with a mother who was never satisfied and whose harsh and cruel words would have been too much for me to bear. Thank you for being the strong one in the family that kept us all together when things were falling apart, for raising my sister the best that you knew how and for taking care of my dad when he was going through his depression and suicide attempts our senior year in high school. Thank you for standing up and doing what needed doing for him when our mother left the country and abandoned you to do it on your own. Thank you for believing in people and love, and for not letting the bad things harden your heart even after Jake. 

Thank you for doing all that you could those 7 years to keep me and Jacob safe from harm and destruction, nobody should ever have to endure the amount of violence and pain that you went through because of Jake. Thank you for showing yourself what it was like to stand behind your word at all costs when you took care of Jake so that he could never use it against us that we failed him like all others in his life. Thank you for maintaining your integrity even when you felt like you had none left, and for showing me what it looked like to be a brave and fearless warrior when you were walking through hell. Because of you and your refusal to die by the hands of another, I am alive today and am learning who I am and what I am capable of. For so long I have lived in your shadow, hiding from the tragedies in my life, sheltered from it all with you as my shield. I am so grateful for you giving me this life and the hope that the road ahead can and will be better than I ever imagined it could be. Without you experiencing the loss of Jake and the grief that came with it, I would not have been able to be so brave when daddy died and been able to be the strong one for everyone else. I had never known death before Jake and I am so sorry that it was so hard on you and hurt so much, you never deserved to know that level of burden on your beautiful spirit. 

I will forever be amazed at how much strength the human spirit can have and what it can endure while still surviving. I may be afraid at times because I am still learning and getting to know this new person that I am, but I know with certainty that nothing is impossible and that gives me great hope for my future. You have carried us through all of the pain, the hurt, the disappointments, the beatings, the let downs, the near death experiences, the losses and now the fight to win at life. Because of you, I am confident that from here on out I can do this on my own so that you can put yourself to rest and find some peace, you more than deserve that after everything. Saying good bye to you is not a bad thing, and it doesn't mean that I will forget all that you did for us or who you were, it is me giving you this gift to finally be free of all the pain the way you have given me the gift of a new life. I will always love, respect and admire you for all that you were and will carry with me all the pieces of you that I need to keep moving forward as a strong and beautiful woman who has overcome the impossible. Thank you so much for being an inspiration and the epitome of what it is to be a WOMAN against all odds. You will forever be my hero and my reason for living my life to the fullest every chance I get. I will find and keep the happiness and achievement we both so deserve, and will not ever take for granted the sacrifices you made so that I could finally live again. I love you with everything that I am, and I will always carry you in my heart. Thank you so much, Michelle, thank you more than words can ever say. 

A HORRIBLE DEJA VU

APRIL 30, 2017

I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN, FEEL THE HURT AND DESPAIR I ONCE FELT FROM JAKE, NEVER AGAIN FEEL THE SHAME, THE GUILT, THE DESIRE TO GIVE IN TO THE ABYSS SWIRLING DOWN DEEP IN MY SOUL. BUT I WAS WRONG, AND I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN FROM THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH...MY OWN SON. A LIFE I ONCE CARRIED INSIDE OF MYSELF, NURTURING, SHARING BREATH WITH, BONDED FOR LIFE AN UNBREAKABLE CONNECTION THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVER SHARE. I THOUGHT THAT IT MEANT SOMETHING TO HAVE THAT BOND WITH MY SON, THAT IT MEANT THERE WOULD ALWAYS BE A LITTLE BOY THERE FOR HIS MOMMA, TAKING CARE OF HER,PROTECTING HER FROM MEN WHO WANTED TO TREAT HER BADLY. HOW DID WE END UP THIS WAY, HIM AND I? AT A TURNING POINT 16 YEARS LATER THAT WOULD FORCE ME TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE AS A MOTHER, BE WILLING TO SIGN MY CHILD AWAY TO SOMEONE ELSE, AWAY FROM BEING IN MY HOME, WITH ME, AS MY CHILD. 

MY ONLY CHILD HAS GROWN INTO SOMEONE UNRECOGNIZABLE TO ME, NO LONGER THE SWEET AND LOVING LITTLE BOY WHO ONCE HELD ME IN HIS HEART, NO LONGER THE PROTECTOR TO KEEP ALL BAD THINGS AWAY FROM ME, MY PRECIOUS AND PERFECT LITTLE BOY IS NOW MY TORMENTOR AND ABUSER, TAKING JAKE'S PLACE AS THE DESTROYER OF EVERYTHING THAT I AM. IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE TRUE, I CANNOT STOMACH THE REALIZATION THAT THIS IS HAPPENING AND HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME. HE IS NOW THE ONE WHO LAUGHS AT ME, REDUCES ME TO TEARS WITH HIS NAME CALLING, HIS CALLOUS AND COLD DEMEANOR, HIS HURTFUL, SHAMEFUL SPEWS THAT LEAVE ME DYING INSIDE ALL OVER AGAIN. HE IS THE ONE WHO NOW HUMILIATES ME IN FRONT OF OTHERS, UNCARING OF THE BACKLASH AND REPERCUSSIONS IT WILL LEAVE UPON MY CHARACTER AND MY HEART SELFISH IN HIS REASONS FOR TERRIFYING ME INTO SUBMISSION BECAUSE I CANNOT PROCESS THE LEVEL OF FEAR THAT HAS BEEN INSTILLED IN ME FROM JAKE, NO LONGER ABLE TO COPE WITH OR MANAGE MY REACTION TO HIS CRUELTY. 

I ATTEMPT TO DO WITH HIM ALL THAT I DID WITH JAKE, DONE EVERYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY, MAKE HIM FEEL LOVED, GIVE HIM A SAFE AND LOVING HOME, NEVER DEPR\IBING HIM OF WHAT HE ASKS FOR, SOMETIMES ONLY GIVING IN TO SAVE MYSELF THE FIGHT I KNOW WILL ENSURE IF I DON'T . HE KEEPS ME IN SHAME, GUILT, REGRET AND MANIPULATES MY EMOTIONS EVERY CHANCE HE GETS NEVER CONSIDERING THE DAMAGE HE IS INFLICTING ON MY ALREADY FRAGILE STATE OF MIND. THE FACT THAT I AM AWARE HE WOULD LEAVE ME LAYIJNG DEAD ON TEH FLOOR WITHOUT THNKING TO HELP ME MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT LIKE NOTHING ELSE. HEARING HIM LIE TO OTHERS ABOUT HOW WE TREAT HIM MAKES ME EVEN MORE SICK, NEVER LAYING A HAND ON MU CHILD HAS GOTTEN ME NOTHING AT ALL WHEN HE CHOOSES TO ACCUSE JIM AND I OF NEGLECTING HIM AND PROVIDING HIM AN UNSAFE HOME. TO WRAP MY MIND AROUND HIS REASONING FOR THIS IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE AS I CANNOT COME TO ANY LOGICAL OR REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS OK. 

HIS EXCUSES FOR WHY HE TREATS ME THIS WAY ARE ALWAYS THE SAME, ITS BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY WITH HIS DAD BUT I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT ANSWER ANY LONGER. I HAVE TO STOP PRETENDING THAT THIS IS THE REASON BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT CANNOT BE. HIS CRIES FOR  HELP HAVE NEVER GONE UNANSWERED BY US, WE HAVE PUT HIM INTO COUNSELING, BEEN THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE, OPENED OUR HEA4RTS AND OUR ARMS FOR HIS TEARS AND HIS WORRIES. BUT HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO HELP HIMSELF AT ALL AND YET CONTINUES TO DO THE SAME THINGS, USE THE SAME EXCUSE AND EXPECT A DIFFERENT OUTCOME TO HAPPEN. THIS IS NOT MY CHOICE TO GIVE UP ON MY CHILD, BUT SIMPLY MY CHOICE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF BEFORE I SUCCUMB TO HIS ABUSE AND GIVE UP MY OWN LIFE. I HAVE A RIGHT TO MAKE THAT CHOICE, TO LIVE FEAR FREE IN MY OWN HOME, TO BE TREATED WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT AND TO EXPECT THAT MY SON WOULD NOT ABUSE ME IN ANY WAY AFTER SEEING THE AFFECTS ABUSE  HAS ALREADY HAD ON MY LIFE. 

THIS IS RATIONAL AND REASONABLE TO EXPECT BUT TO HIM IT IS FAR FROM ACCEPTABLE AND HE FALLS BACK ON THE SAME, MISDIRECTED PRINCIPLE HE CONSIDERS TO BE THE TRUTH. IN HIS MIND HE IS JUSTIFIED IN THE WAY HE TREATS ME, HE FEELS ENTITLED TO BREAKING ME DOWN BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO FEEL THE WAY HE DOES. WHAT HE FAILS TO REALIZE IS THAT IN DOING SO HE BECAME THE MONSTER HE WAS CRYING TO ME ABOUT BEING TO HIM, THE ONE THAT HURT HIM SO MUCH AND THE ONE WHO CHASED HIM BEFORE  HE STARTED CHASING AT ME. I WANT TO HIDE THE FACT THAT MY SON HAS BECOME THIS MONSTER, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WANT THE WORLD TO SEE WHAT HE IS IN THE HOPES THAT IT WILL VALIDATE ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE IN THE HELL HE PUTS ME THROUGH. I HAVE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND HIS ACTIONS, TO SEE IT THROUGH HIS EYES BUT I CANNOT AND WILL NOT EVER BE ABLE TO SEE WHAT HE SEES. 

I CAN NO LONGER TAKE HIS ABUSE AND MANIPULATION, I DON'T DESERVE IT FOR ANY REASON AND AFTER EXHAUSTING EVERY OTHER OPTION I AM FINALLY LEFT WITH THE ONE AND ONLY CHOICE THAT MAY SAVE BOTH OF OUR LIVES.....TO RELINQUISH CUSTODY OF HIM TO THE STATE SO THAT WE CAN BEGIN A RECONCILIATION BEFORE ITS TOO LATE FOR US. 

I think I died

February 13, 2017

After working a full day and a two hour drive home, I expected that I would be tired and possibly sore, but It did not cross my mind that I would find myself feeling like I was about to die. The walk from my car to my friends apartment felt good after sitting in the same cramped position for 2 hours, my legs felt stiff and my neck muscles were tighter than usual. After entering the apartment, I raised my arms above my head to get a good stretch in when I quickly realized that I wish it was something I h ad not done. 

Just under the left side of my bottom rib, something "popped" and it felt like an air bubble rising up towards my sternum near my heart. Instantly, I felt the surge of heat travel throughout my body, my hands and face became flushed and red, fingers throbbing as if I had been hanging upside down too long and all the blood had run into them. My hands became discolored and splotchy, like a rash but it wasn't, just the skin pigmentation changed. Seconds later I felt the impending doom hit my throat and the room began to close in on me, my legs suddenly became very weak and numb, I could not feel them all the way. I started to breath very heavy, quick breaths and nearly passed out as I attempted to do square breathing to calm myself down. I laid down on the couch, elevating my legs and continued to square breath the best that I could, but I was panicking in my head and was certain that I was dying. The tears came like a broken damn letting loose, spilling onto my hot cheeks and settling in the crook of my neck and shoulders. 

A burst of "chills or goosebumps" flooded me but only on the upper half of my body, mostly on the left side. The chills turned into an icy river flowing through my veins but again, only on my left side. There was no pain in my chest at all, just the feeling of pressure being applied to it along with the icy feeling. I was dizzy, my mouth was very dry, I could not think of anything other than telling my friend to let Jim and Jacob know i was sorry and how much I loved them. I could not stop the intrusive thoughts flooding my confused and worried mind, I felt like I was dying, that I was moments away from taking my last breath, I was trying to count my heartbeats but could not find my pulse to save my life. My panic began to increase in urgency and I asked my friend to please get me to my car and drive me home, and to call Jim on the way there. By the time we arrived at my house , 10 minutes away, the feelings of impending doom had worsened, my berating was more labored, I was feeling air hungry but still no pain anywhere, just the same hot, burning, suffocating feelings I was already having. 

I could not get out of the car, my legs had gone numb and hot and it was very difficult to move them, about that time a new symptom appeared and I do not know what to think of what may have been the cause for it. I was feeling my bowels giving up, and I did nmot think I could make it into the house before It was too late. My feet were throbbing by this point, my legs began to hurt yet still remained hot and numb somehow. I felt like passing out was still an option as I was having great trouble getting my mind to become present to where I was at and what was going on. A massive migraine ensued and moments late, I passed out with Jim by my side. I awoke about 5 hours later, confused about where I was and what had happened, much to my surprise I was still feeling like something was very wrong with my body, I was concerned about it being a stoke, a blood clot or heart attack. I forced myself to go back to sleep after smoking a bowl of weed to help me relax and awoke today and am STILL having symptoms. 

I do not know what the fuck this is, Anxiety? Panic Attack? Blood clot? I don't want to know yet I do because I cannot function this way this is fucking crazy to feel liek you are dying I need to go see doctor but am too afraid too. I know what i need to do but I am not in a place where I can force myself to go sit in front of another docvtor who isn't giong to listen to a word I say and will try to push meds on me. Fuck this

:Lonely

FEBRUARY 9, 2017

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 MONTHS, I AM WRITING. I DON'T THINK THIS IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS, I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN DOING BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS AND HAVE NOT FELT THE NEED TO WRITE. I WAS FEELING GOOD, BUT THE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE FELT SO DEFEATED AND EMOTIONAL, DISAPPOINTED AND ALONE AND I HIT A BREAKING POINT TONIGHT WHICH SOMEWHAT SENT ME OVER THE EMOTIONAL EDGE AND HAS LEFT ME FEELING EMPTY AND HURT. I AM CERTAIN I AM BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL ABOUT THINGS BUT MAYBE IF I WRITE IT WILL HELP ME TO FILE THOSE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AWAY. 

SO MANY THINGS ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE HAVE CHANGED OVER THE PAST 5 YEARS, NOT KNOWING WHO I AM HAS CAUSED A HUGE HICCUP IN MY ABILITY TO BE SOCIAL OR MAKE NEW FRIENDS. I HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY LONELY AND AM STARTING TO REALIZE HOW ISOLATED I MADE MYSELF THIS PAST FEW YEARS AND I AM REALIZING HOW MUCH IT TRULY SUCKS ASS. SAYING GOODBYE TO JACOB WHEN HE WENT TO THE ACADEMY HAS LEFT ME FEELING MORE ALONE THAN EVER AND WISHING FOR TIME WITH HIM EVEN IF IT WAS SPENT ARGUING AND NOT GETTING ALONG. WHEN I STOPPED WORKING, I STOPPED HAVING FRIENDS TOO AND NOW HAVE NO OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT ALL SINCE I WORK ALONE NOW. I HAVE KEPT A FEW FRIENDS WITH ME, BUT MORE AND MORE I FIND THAT I AM NOT AS IMPORTANT TO THEM AS THEY ARE TO ME. THEY LEAVE ME WONDERING WHY I BOTHER TO TRY TO KEEP THEM AS FRIENDS ANYMORE WHEN IT HAS BEEN A CONSTANT LET DOWN WHENEVER I TRY TO REACH OUT TO THEM. 

I AM HURT BY THEIR LACK OF CARE AND ANGERED BY THE FACT THAT I CONTINUE TO ALLOW THEM TO USE ME FOR THEIR OWN AGENDA AND BLOW ME OFF WHEN I ASK FOR THEIR TIME. TONIGHT I AM FEELING LIFE SHUTTING DOWN AGAIN FROM EVERYONE AND BEING DONE WITH PEOPLE, BUT I KNOW THIS WILL ONLY ISOLATE ME AGAIN AND SET ME BACK FROM THE PROGRESS I HAVE BEEN MAKING. I MISS MY SON, I MISS PARTS OF MY LIFE BEFORE I GOT SICK WHERE I FELT NEEDED AND WANTED IN LIFE EVEN IF IT WAS UNHEALTHY IN THE MATTER OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE. WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL WANTED OR NEEDED OR CARED ABOUT IT DOES SOMETHING TO YOU INSIDE, AND I AM ALREADY FAR TOO FUCKED UP TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HURT ANYMORE. I CAN'T DO IT, I KNOW THIS. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT, I KNOW THAT TOO. I AM JUST TIRED OF BEING LONELY AND FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE. I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER BUT I CANNOT SEEM TO FIND MY NICHE IN LIFE AND I AM TOO TIRED TO TRY TO FIND IT. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT OR NEED RIGHT NOW, JUST THE NEED TO NOT FEEL SO LONELY AND ABANDONED PERHAPS WHO KNOWS, JUST VENTING.