Happy 3rd Anniversary Daddy

October 5 2017

If someone had told me what it would feel like to lose my father, I am not certain that I would want to have lived if only to experience this level of pain in my heart. Today marks 3 years that my dad is gone from our physical world, 3 years of him missing out on our lives, our children's lives. No longer here to pick up the phone when I call him, no more letters or emails from him, no more I love you's upon our ears at the end of the day, just no more anything. The tradition for daddy's anniversary, birthday or fathers day has been for all of us to gather at my house, write our messages on balloons, say a few words and laugh then release the balloons in the hopes our words might reach him in heaven. My sister and I both promised him that after he went we would do our best to work on a relationship with one another and that we would make sure to spend time with each other no matter what. I meant what I said and I thought that she did too, which is why it hurt even more that she ditched me on his anniversary of all days because she made plans to hang out with a girlfriend instead and my mother decided to go to bingo instead of coming too. So here I am, alone by myself celebrating my dads anniversary for the first time without the others who once loved him and wanted to keep his memory alive with me. 

I am not only hurt, I am angry as hell that I am by myself even though I know my family has the right to do whatever they like, I just wish it didn't have to be on this day. I don't want to forget my father, I don't want to make other plans and not celebrate him and his life, i don't want to be here celebrating him alone, but I am. It terrifies me that this is what will happen when I die too, that people will forget me, forget that I ever existed in their lives, will make other plans on the one day that I would want them to remember me. Maybe this is all that we get when life ends, to be forgotten and end up wherever we go when we die. I am devastated at this thought but am not reassured that there is much more, to be honest. 

Today is supposed to be a day full of laughter and feeling loved and close to my father with my family by my side. But why am I surprised because this is how my family has always treated me so why is it hurting me so much? Because I put my faith in them when I knew better and I got let down by them, my fault entirely for believing that they could care about anyone but themselves.