:Lonely

FEBRUARY 9, 2017

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 3 MONTHS, I AM WRITING. I DON'T THINK THIS IS A GOOD THING BECAUSE FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS, I HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN DOING BETTER THAN I HAVE IN YEARS AND HAVE NOT FELT THE NEED TO WRITE. I WAS FEELING GOOD, BUT THE PAST FEW DAYS I HAVE FELT SO DEFEATED AND EMOTIONAL, DISAPPOINTED AND ALONE AND I HIT A BREAKING POINT TONIGHT WHICH SOMEWHAT SENT ME OVER THE EMOTIONAL EDGE AND HAS LEFT ME FEELING EMPTY AND HURT. I AM CERTAIN I AM BEING OVERLY EMOTIONAL ABOUT THINGS BUT MAYBE IF I WRITE IT WILL HELP ME TO FILE THOSE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS AWAY. 

SO MANY THINGS ABOUT MYSELF AND MY LIFE HAVE CHANGED OVER THE PAST 5 YEARS, NOT KNOWING WHO I AM HAS CAUSED A HUGE HICCUP IN MY ABILITY TO BE SOCIAL OR MAKE NEW FRIENDS. I HAVE BEEN INCREDIBLY LONELY AND AM STARTING TO REALIZE HOW ISOLATED I MADE MYSELF THIS PAST FEW YEARS AND I AM REALIZING HOW MUCH IT TRULY SUCKS ASS. SAYING GOODBYE TO JACOB WHEN HE WENT TO THE ACADEMY HAS LEFT ME FEELING MORE ALONE THAN EVER AND WISHING FOR TIME WITH HIM EVEN IF IT WAS SPENT ARGUING AND NOT GETTING ALONG. WHEN I STOPPED WORKING, I STOPPED HAVING FRIENDS TOO AND NOW HAVE NO OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS AT ALL SINCE I WORK ALONE NOW. I HAVE KEPT A FEW FRIENDS WITH ME, BUT MORE AND MORE I FIND THAT I AM NOT AS IMPORTANT TO THEM AS THEY ARE TO ME. THEY LEAVE ME WONDERING WHY I BOTHER TO TRY TO KEEP THEM AS FRIENDS ANYMORE WHEN IT HAS BEEN A CONSTANT LET DOWN WHENEVER I TRY TO REACH OUT TO THEM. 

I AM HURT BY THEIR LACK OF CARE AND ANGERED BY THE FACT THAT I CONTINUE TO ALLOW THEM TO USE ME FOR THEIR OWN AGENDA AND BLOW ME OFF WHEN I ASK FOR THEIR TIME. TONIGHT I AM FEELING LIFE SHUTTING DOWN AGAIN FROM EVERYONE AND BEING DONE WITH PEOPLE, BUT I KNOW THIS WILL ONLY ISOLATE ME AGAIN AND SET ME BACK FROM THE PROGRESS I HAVE BEEN MAKING. I MISS MY SON, I MISS PARTS OF MY LIFE BEFORE I GOT SICK WHERE I FELT NEEDED AND WANTED IN LIFE EVEN IF IT WAS UNHEALTHY IN THE MATTER OF RELATIONSHIPS WITH PEOPLE. WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL WANTED OR NEEDED OR CARED ABOUT IT DOES SOMETHING TO YOU INSIDE, AND I AM ALREADY FAR TOO FUCKED UP TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HURT ANYMORE. I CAN'T DO IT, I KNOW THIS. I DON'T WANT TO DO IT, I KNOW THAT TOO. I AM JUST TIRED OF BEING LONELY AND FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE. I KNOW I AM GETTING BETTER BUT I CANNOT SEEM TO FIND MY NICHE IN LIFE AND I AM TOO TIRED TO TRY TO FIND IT. 

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT OR NEED RIGHT NOW, JUST THE NEED TO NOT FEEL SO LONELY AND ABANDONED PERHAPS WHO KNOWS, JUST VENTING.