I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN, FEEL THE HURT AND DESPAIR I ONCE FELT FROM JAKE, NEVER AGAIN FEEL THE SHAME, THE GUILT, THE DESIRE TO GIVE IN TO THE ABYSS SWIRLING DOWN DEEP IN MY SOUL. BUT I WAS WRONG, AND I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN FROM THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH...MY OWN SON. A LIFE I ONCE CARRIED INSIDE OF MYSELF, NURTURING, SHARING BREATH WITH, BONDED FOR LIFE AN UNBREAKABLE CONNECTION THAT NOBODY ELSE COULD EVER SHARE. I THOUGHT THAT IT MEANT SOMETHING TO HAVE THAT BOND WITH MY SON, THAT IT MEANT THERE WOULD ALWAYS BE A LITTLE BOY THERE FOR HIS MOMMA, TAKING CARE OF HER,PROTECTING HER FROM MEN WHO WANTED TO TREAT HER BADLY. HOW DID WE END UP THIS WAY, HIM AND I? AT A TURNING POINT 16 YEARS LATER THAT WOULD FORCE ME TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE AS A MOTHER, BE WILLING TO SIGN MY CHILD AWAY TO SOMEONE ELSE, AWAY FROM BEING IN MY HOME, WITH ME, AS MY CHILD.
MY ONLY CHILD HAS GROWN INTO SOMEONE UNRECOGNIZABLE TO ME, NO LONGER THE SWEET AND LOVING LITTLE BOY WHO ONCE HELD ME IN HIS HEART, NO LONGER THE PROTECTOR TO KEEP ALL BAD THINGS AWAY FROM ME, MY PRECIOUS AND PERFECT LITTLE BOY IS NOW MY TORMENTOR AND ABUSER, TAKING JAKE'S PLACE AS THE DESTROYER OF EVERYTHING THAT I AM. IT FEELS IMPOSSIBLE TO BE TRUE, I CANNOT STOMACH THE REALIZATION THAT THIS IS HAPPENING AND HAS BEEN FOR SOME TIME. HE IS NOW THE ONE WHO LAUGHS AT ME, REDUCES ME TO TEARS WITH HIS NAME CALLING, HIS CALLOUS AND COLD DEMEANOR, HIS HURTFUL, SHAMEFUL SPEWS THAT LEAVE ME DYING INSIDE ALL OVER AGAIN. HE IS THE ONE WHO NOW HUMILIATES ME IN FRONT OF OTHERS, UNCARING OF THE BACKLASH AND REPERCUSSIONS IT WILL LEAVE UPON MY CHARACTER AND MY HEART SELFISH IN HIS REASONS FOR TERRIFYING ME INTO SUBMISSION BECAUSE I CANNOT PROCESS THE LEVEL OF FEAR THAT HAS BEEN INSTILLED IN ME FROM JAKE, NO LONGER ABLE TO COPE WITH OR MANAGE MY REACTION TO HIS CRUELTY.
I ATTEMPT TO DO WITH HIM ALL THAT I DID WITH JAKE, DONE EVERYTHING TO MAKE HIM HAPPY, MAKE HIM FEEL LOVED, GIVE HIM A SAFE AND LOVING HOME, NEVER DEPR\IBING HIM OF WHAT HE ASKS FOR, SOMETIMES ONLY GIVING IN TO SAVE MYSELF THE FIGHT I KNOW WILL ENSURE IF I DON'T . HE KEEPS ME IN SHAME, GUILT, REGRET AND MANIPULATES MY EMOTIONS EVERY CHANCE HE GETS NEVER CONSIDERING THE DAMAGE HE IS INFLICTING ON MY ALREADY FRAGILE STATE OF MIND. THE FACT THAT I AM AWARE HE WOULD LEAVE ME LAYIJNG DEAD ON TEH FLOOR WITHOUT THNKING TO HELP ME MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT LIKE NOTHING ELSE. HEARING HIM LIE TO OTHERS ABOUT HOW WE TREAT HIM MAKES ME EVEN MORE SICK, NEVER LAYING A HAND ON MU CHILD HAS GOTTEN ME NOTHING AT ALL WHEN HE CHOOSES TO ACCUSE JIM AND I OF NEGLECTING HIM AND PROVIDING HIM AN UNSAFE HOME. TO WRAP MY MIND AROUND HIS REASONING FOR THIS IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE AS I CANNOT COME TO ANY LOGICAL OR REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS OK.
HIS EXCUSES FOR WHY HE TREATS ME THIS WAY ARE ALWAYS THE SAME, ITS BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY WITH HIS DAD BUT I CANNOT ACCEPT THAT ANSWER ANY LONGER. I HAVE TO STOP PRETENDING THAT THIS IS THE REASON BECAUSE I KNOW THAT IT CANNOT BE. HIS CRIES FOR HELP HAVE NEVER GONE UNANSWERED BY US, WE HAVE PUT HIM INTO COUNSELING, BEEN THERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE, OPENED OUR HEA4RTS AND OUR ARMS FOR HIS TEARS AND HIS WORRIES. BUT HE HAS DONE NOTHING TO HELP HIMSELF AT ALL AND YET CONTINUES TO DO THE SAME THINGS, USE THE SAME EXCUSE AND EXPECT A DIFFERENT OUTCOME TO HAPPEN. THIS IS NOT MY CHOICE TO GIVE UP ON MY CHILD, BUT SIMPLY MY CHOICE TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF BEFORE I SUCCUMB TO HIS ABUSE AND GIVE UP MY OWN LIFE. I HAVE A RIGHT TO MAKE THAT CHOICE, TO LIVE FEAR FREE IN MY OWN HOME, TO BE TREATED WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT AND TO EXPECT THAT MY SON WOULD NOT ABUSE ME IN ANY WAY AFTER SEEING THE AFFECTS ABUSE HAS ALREADY HAD ON MY LIFE.
THIS IS RATIONAL AND REASONABLE TO EXPECT BUT TO HIM IT IS FAR FROM ACCEPTABLE AND HE FALLS BACK ON THE SAME, MISDIRECTED PRINCIPLE HE CONSIDERS TO BE THE TRUTH. IN HIS MIND HE IS JUSTIFIED IN THE WAY HE TREATS ME, HE FEELS ENTITLED TO BREAKING ME DOWN BECAUSE HE WANTS ME TO FEEL THE WAY HE DOES. WHAT HE FAILS TO REALIZE IS THAT IN DOING SO HE BECAME THE MONSTER HE WAS CRYING TO ME ABOUT BEING TO HIM, THE ONE THAT HURT HIM SO MUCH AND THE ONE WHO CHASED HIM BEFORE HE STARTED CHASING AT ME. I WANT TO HIDE THE FACT THAT MY SON HAS BECOME THIS MONSTER, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WANT THE WORLD TO SEE WHAT HE IS IN THE HOPES THAT IT WILL VALIDATE ME AND MAKE ME FEEL LESS ALONE IN THE HELL HE PUTS ME THROUGH. I HAVE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND HIS ACTIONS, TO SEE IT THROUGH HIS EYES BUT I CANNOT AND WILL NOT EVER BE ABLE TO SEE WHAT HE SEES.
I CAN NO LONGER TAKE HIS ABUSE AND MANIPULATION, I DON'T DESERVE IT FOR ANY REASON AND AFTER EXHAUSTING EVERY OTHER OPTION I AM FINALLY LEFT WITH THE ONE AND ONLY CHOICE THAT MAY SAVE BOTH OF OUR LIVES.....TO RELINQUISH CUSTODY OF HIM TO THE STATE SO THAT WE CAN BEGIN A RECONCILIATION BEFORE ITS TOO LATE FOR US.
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