I think I died

February 13, 2017

After working a full day and a two hour drive home, I expected that I would be tired and possibly sore, but It did not cross my mind that I would find myself feeling like I was about to die. The walk from my car to my friends apartment felt good after sitting in the same cramped position for 2 hours, my legs felt stiff and my neck muscles were tighter than usual. After entering the apartment, I raised my arms above my head to get a good stretch in when I quickly realized that I wish it was something I h ad not done. 

Just under the left side of my bottom rib, something "popped" and it felt like an air bubble rising up towards my sternum near my heart. Instantly, I felt the surge of heat travel throughout my body, my hands and face became flushed and red, fingers throbbing as if I had been hanging upside down too long and all the blood had run into them. My hands became discolored and splotchy, like a rash but it wasn't, just the skin pigmentation changed. Seconds later I felt the impending doom hit my throat and the room began to close in on me, my legs suddenly became very weak and numb, I could not feel them all the way. I started to breath very heavy, quick breaths and nearly passed out as I attempted to do square breathing to calm myself down. I laid down on the couch, elevating my legs and continued to square breath the best that I could, but I was panicking in my head and was certain that I was dying. The tears came like a broken damn letting loose, spilling onto my hot cheeks and settling in the crook of my neck and shoulders. 

A burst of "chills or goosebumps" flooded me but only on the upper half of my body, mostly on the left side. The chills turned into an icy river flowing through my veins but again, only on my left side. There was no pain in my chest at all, just the feeling of pressure being applied to it along with the icy feeling. I was dizzy, my mouth was very dry, I could not think of anything other than telling my friend to let Jim and Jacob know i was sorry and how much I loved them. I could not stop the intrusive thoughts flooding my confused and worried mind, I felt like I was dying, that I was moments away from taking my last breath, I was trying to count my heartbeats but could not find my pulse to save my life. My panic began to increase in urgency and I asked my friend to please get me to my car and drive me home, and to call Jim on the way there. By the time we arrived at my house , 10 minutes away, the feelings of impending doom had worsened, my berating was more labored, I was feeling air hungry but still no pain anywhere, just the same hot, burning, suffocating feelings I was already having. 

I could not get out of the car, my legs had gone numb and hot and it was very difficult to move them, about that time a new symptom appeared and I do not know what to think of what may have been the cause for it. I was feeling my bowels giving up, and I did nmot think I could make it into the house before It was too late. My feet were throbbing by this point, my legs began to hurt yet still remained hot and numb somehow. I felt like passing out was still an option as I was having great trouble getting my mind to become present to where I was at and what was going on. A massive migraine ensued and moments late, I passed out with Jim by my side. I awoke about 5 hours later, confused about where I was and what had happened, much to my surprise I was still feeling like something was very wrong with my body, I was concerned about it being a stoke, a blood clot or heart attack. I forced myself to go back to sleep after smoking a bowl of weed to help me relax and awoke today and am STILL having symptoms. 

I do not know what the fuck this is, Anxiety? Panic Attack? Blood clot? I don't want to know yet I do because I cannot function this way this is fucking crazy to feel liek you are dying I need to go see doctor but am too afraid too. I know what i need to do but I am not in a place where I can force myself to go sit in front of another docvtor who isn't giong to listen to a word I say and will try to push meds on me. Fuck this