Just a poem

August 31 2016

She is scared and alone yet you taunt her to death, the end ever nearing, the end comes with each breath

You've taken her strength, her beauty, her grace, nothing in this world could erase the pain from her face

Trampled and stepped on all she knows is abuse, she gave and you took, her own life she can't choose

Darkened by evil, the light stripped from her soul its just a matter of time before it all takes its toll 

DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS

 AUGUST 30 2016

LOVE IS NOT EASILY UNDERSTOOD, AND TO KNOW A LOSS OF LOVE REQUIRES US TO KNOW THE PAIN OF THAT LOST LOVE. WHERE OTHERS SEE DEATH IN THIS, I SEE LIFE. PAIN & LOSS CREATE THE DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS SO THAT WE CAN BE ACCEPTING OF THE TRUEST LOVE, WHICH WILL BE WHAT FILLS THOSE DIVOTS IN OUR HEARTS UP WITH. THIS IS THE LIFE THAT I SEE WHEN A HEART LOSES LOVE. IT IS NOT A LOSS AT ALL, BUT AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE FILLED WITH EVEN MORE LOVE THAN EVER BEFORE 

If you Love, then Let go

August 21, 2016

Feeling emotional today, thinking about this past 8 months and the changes I have put myself through both as a person and as a Mother. If you told me last year that this is where I would be today, I would have laughed and said "Never happen" but here I am. There is no way for any of us to measure the minute, unseen communications within our brains without some kind of technology. No way to measure the kind of changes that happen to us when we experience things like happiness, sadness, grief, love, loss any emotion we may feel. We only know that we either do or do not like the way we feel inside and we know that we either do or do not cope with those feelings and that is all. We may not see that life experiences change us in many ways, that they either make us hardened because of the pain, or that they make us numb so we never have to feel the pain again. 

That is what I feel, I am numb because I can no longer bear the pain that my life experiences have given me. I am physically here but my soul comes and goes from within, and I never know that I have been gone until I come back. Going through Neuro has forced me to try to be more mindful of where I am and what it is that I am doing and this is not a bad thing. Sometimes it feels horrible but that is only because I have been away for so long that I am afraid to be present and realize the things I have missed and neglected. I am afraid of feeling all the things I am now feeling because I am trying to be present, I have been more of an emotional wreck than ever before and I am realizing how dangerous it really is as a person, to disassociate yourself from your life because when you do come back the pain comes flooding into you and it can be overwhelming to say the least. I find myself crying almost daily and not about anything in particular just because i am realizing the losses i have suffered and how much it really hurts is sad. I cry because I am nearly 40 and cannot remember when I was really here as myself which means I have missed out on so much of my life. 

Today I am crying because I realize that I had to lose even more to be begin the path of finding myself again, and I cry because I am remembering that my father truly is gone from our lives and I miss him so much. I have become  very sentimental when it comes to people in my life and have found the need to write to them to tell them how much they mean to me;. I am sure it is weirding people out because it isn't often someone reaches out to you just to say I love you but it is something I feel strongly about doing so I am not holding back. I have also been learning to let go of the tether I have a s a mother with my son, that is probably the hardest thing of all for me because in my mind keeping him close is protecting him but in reality it is the opposite. Learning to let that leash go and then to drop that leash is difficult, it is painful and scary and i find myself holding my breath at times waiting for him to tug on the rope to say he needs me. But he hasn't yet and even though he is only 15 he is his own person who needs to learn what his life means to him and make the mistakes that will help him figure that life out. 

So today for me, both of these things portray the same lesson and that is if I love then I need to let go for it to grow. 

I am....

August 1 2016


You may or may not know me, not now or ever
Even if you are unfortunate to have me in your life, you will never see or hear me
I am silent to an outsider, hidden, covert, and I mask myself to be many other things
Those who do know me, know me very well, actually not that well at all
I am good at making myself a chameleon so just when you think you know what I am, I change
I can manifest in so many ways, where do I start? No matter how I am born one thing is certain......
YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME & NOBODY WILL BELIEVE I AM REAL

I will take who you were and destroy that person inside and out
I will make those in your life who love & respect you, look at you like you are crazy
They will not trust your word and think your actions are phony & exaggerated
They will call you a liar, a whiner, a hypochondriac, an attention seeker
They will talk behind your back about you, their whispers are what you will hear
They will slowly dissipate from your life, their presence less and less the more you need them
I will be the one who is with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week when they all leave
But I will not be your friend at all, I WILL ONLY EVER BE YOUR ENEMY

I am good at playing tricks which will leave you dazed, confused, lost & alone
I will leave you fearful of the places and people you once knew and loved
I will take away your self esteem, your self worth, your ability to function as you
I will erase your memories over time, and leave your feeling maddened & crazed
I will make you forget your name and where you live, and often forgetful of so much more
I can take away your skills & knowledge, no matter how well you used to function

I am the giver of hope, and the taker of the only life you ever knew
I will make you cry, make you scream, make you wish that I had never happened
I will break you down inside and make you question everything you are and all that you do
I will be the intrusion that fills your mind and ever faithful will I be until there is no more
You can try all you want to get rid of me but I am a permanent parasite who feeds on you
Nothing you can say will make me leave, there is nothing that can stop me from invading you

I will be the first thing you think of when you awake and the last when you fall asleep
I will haunt your dreams with nightmares which will stir you from slumber with a jolt
You can curse me, you can pray but neither does you good, so stop trying
Do you want to know who I am? Do you want to put a name to the face? I am.....

Your Traumatic Brain Injury, welcome to my fucked up world
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

The Fight

The Fight

~ Strength comes from doing what others said can't be, won't be or shouldn't be done. To face what is uneasy, uncomfortable & uncertain even if that means you stand alone. To defeat your fears no matter how great the fight, & to remain true to who you are throughout. Walk the path less traveled to discover there's nothing more gratifying than to end up where people said you didn't belong;  I AM HERE, IT'S NOT OVER, I AM STRENGTH ~


(M.Y.S 2/25/2013)

Rant

July 19, 2016

What it;s like to be me & what I would want you to understand....

Nobody would choose to be like me, it is painful, confusing, and lonely. I tried to find a better way to explain what it is like to have been abused for so many years and to have a TBI. I told my son that my brain was like an orange and I wanted him to imagine throwing it around to his buddies, kicking it, hitting it but nto enough to break the skin of the orange. If you looked at the orange it would still look healthy and undamaged but if you peeled the skin back you might see it bruised and battered up right? This is my brain, it is the brusied and battered orange that looks perfectly fine on the outside.This is meant for those that no longer call or come by like friends used to do, and for all who may not know that an orange that is bruised on the inside looks exactly like one that is not. 

My once vibrant and hopeful youth and naivete were diminished by another, and I allowed myself to  be stripped completely from the inside out by a person I believed had my best interest at heart. I was human and trusted someone I didn't know I shouldn;t, and it cost me more than my life and I live with my choices and the consequences every day I am still alive. I battle my own regrrets along with the ones you won't let me live down, I have thought about all the things you think I must not have by staying in such a violent and abusinve marriage, any woman in my situation has alreayd thought the same things plus a million more on how to save her own life and quiite possibly even yours.  Each one of us has the right to make mistakes in life, we all will make them and we all deserve to have the chance to outgrow the stigmas that come with those mistakes so why won't you let me outgrow mine? Why do you insist on doing your best to remind me of what  a piece of shit mom I must be because I chose to save my sons life and send him to live with his dad instead of letting him grow up in the same violence that took my spiritt and my soul away?

In nobodys eyes woudl that choice have been better for my child and I will never regret making it because I know what you don't know, and that will always be the case. I don't owe you an explanation as to why I made that tough decision or why I didn't choose to do something else, you have no entitlelments to my lifes path and it is time someone told you that you ought to try picking apart your own decisions and the way you live because the fact that you do it to me, tells me your own life is a fucking wreck and you are too cowardly to deal with it or see the truth for what it is. I am tired of not feeling like I am good enough for others when I now know, that my value as a human being is not found in the opinions or judgements of others so it is ok for me to stop living like it were. Nobody will ever comprehend the war I have fought or what it took to survive it, but that won't make it less significant for me and it won't take away my personal gratification that I made it through which makes me a bad ass bitch in my book. I realize that I don't need you to validate who I am or who I am fighting to be right now, I don't know why I ever thought I did. 

You need you to validate yourself and I need me to validate myself, there is nothing I have that you need to be ok as a person and there is nothing you have that I need to feel the same. Everything I believed has been backwards and upside down which has in turn made us as beings exactly the same. Think about it, how backwards and upside down are you from your expereiences where everyone judges you and makes you feel shameful for thngs you had no control of? And how solid are you in those decisions you have made on your own without letting others affect the outcome? That is the answer right there, it is that simple and I can choose to be strong in whomever I am being in any given moment because, well, I just can and so can you. I am used to being lonely, I have done it alone for all this time and it is ok to be solo if it means I never have to feel less than I deserve to feel. 

First poem written to Jim

God took away my smile, but gave me something more
I felt his hand upon me as I lay crying on the floor

he wiped away my tears and softly touched my heart
urged me to be strong when all around me fell apart

he gently took my arms and helped me to my feet,
little did I know you were the one god meant for me

your spirit and conviction prove genuine and true,
but it's the way you love me I admire most in you

you speak the word of reason and wear your heart upon your sleeve,
your presence in my life has truly made my heart believe

to have your love and friendship is a gift that's very rare,
forever i will love you , my heart and soul with you I share

2012
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

So Confused

August 11 216

I feel like I am slipping backwards again and I hate it! I have been super depressed this last week, missing Jack again Tuesday because I had an episode. It was the 2 year anniversary of my dad being here for vacation the month before he moved back and ended up in the ICU. It has been difficult to think about my dad because I miss him so fucking much it hurts like it was yesterday still. I dream about him often and think about him at least once a day since he died. I walked around my house today just crying because I was so emotionally overwhelmed I didn't know what else to do. 

Ok enough bitching and whining, on a different note these are Jims observations of me since starting Neuro

- More hopeful thinking

- My handwriting has changed quite a bit

- Sees parts of the old me coming out 

- Was shocked when I had the realization that I had been somewhat hoarding and took 3 truck loads out of here

- He said that I don't look as lost in my eyes

- Notices a drive in me to get things done

- Said I have seemed like a stronger person

I miss Jack and Freja, fuck this post is so all over the place just like my mind ugh