FEELS SO GOOD THAT IT HURTS

AUGUST 16 2017

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THAT FEELING SO GOOD WOULD HURT THIS BADLY, THAT ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL AGAIN CAN BE AS PAINFUL AS IT HAPPY. FOR SO LONG I WAS NOWHERE, FLOATING AROUND IN A SEA OF BLACKNESS AWAY FROM THE WORLD, THE ONLY SOUND I HEARD WERE MY OWN SCREAMS. NO LIGHT, NO AIR, NO HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WOULD BREATH AGAIN. SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF WONDERING HOW I EVER EXISTED IN THAT PLACE BUT STILL REMAINED HERE, IT INTRIGUES ME TO THINK ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE MIND MUST BE TO ALLOW A DUAL EXISTENCE THAT WAY. 

IN ONLY A YEAR AND A HALF I HAVE DONE WHAT I SAID TO MYSELF WAS IMPOSSIBLE AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO START LIVING AGAIN. THERE ARE MORE GOOD DAYS THAN BAD ONES NOW AND I DONT THINK OF KILLING MYSELF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY BUT SOME DAYS MY HEART HURTS MORE NOW THAN IT EVER DID. WHEN I STOP AND THINK OF THE ROAD THAT BROUGHT ME HERE I WONDER HOW I EVER MADE IT AT ALL. BUT I DID AND HERE I AM, THE SAME ME BUT DIFFERENT. LEARNING MORE ABOUT MYSELF MORE EVERY DAY, NO LONGER SEEING A STRANGER IN THE MIRROR BUT STILL AFRAID OF THAT REFLECTION STARING BACK. MORE SENSITIVE TO FEELINGS THAN BEFORE I OFTEN FIND MYSELF BEING OVERLY AFFECTED BY EMOTIONS AND WHILE I AM GRATEFUL TO FEEL AGAIN, I SOMETIMES RESENT THE INTENSITY OF WHAT I AM FEELING.  

 

Dignity, honor & Respect

9/19/2021 Draft Started

Today, Jack honored me with my very own Coin Ceremony, passing on to me his gold coin earned by dedicating 5 years of service to the Veterans Center. I had no words to describe how deeply touched I was to be given something so special. A piece of Jack to hold onto after he moved across the country from me. 

Never would I have imagined that I could stand before this man I had grown to trust, respect and love and be gifted in such an honorable way. I knew this was very special and meaningful for us both, that the passing down of this coin was Jack's final goodbye, telling me he held love, trust and respect for me just the same. 

What a beautiful moment I will wish to never forget. 

"The Other Woman"

I entered a writing contest about Addiction, and won 1st place with this piece. Though I am happily married to the love of my life, it is a daily struggle competing with his addiction of alcohol. This poem portrays the battle inside of myself that often leaves me feeling defeated. It comes with very bitter and angry thoughts about how unfair life truly is. I can do slot of things in life, but sadly this is one thing completely out of my control and I have to choose to either stay along for the ride and possibly go down with his ship, or leave all that I love behind and walk away from my sweetheart in the midst of his fight. At times I feel I should, but I know he never left or abandoned me at my worst so neither will I. I only hope I am string enough to carry us both while he finds his way. 

"She has taken my place where I once used to stand,
She has stolen my kisses and has taken your hand

It is her that you turn to when it’s comfort you need
And it’s she who fulfills your desires and greed


She became your good mornings, 

and now your good nights

She was subtle yet swift, 

and provoked all of our fights

You promised you’d leave her, 

that she wouldn’t stay long

You gave me your word, 

said you knew it was wrong

Do you care what she’s done? 

Can’t you hear all my cries?

Can you face me like a man and quit telling me lies?

A decade of love has been washed all away

Replaced and rejected, there isn’t much left to say

I give up, now I get it; she’s been hard to resist

Between her and I, it's not me that you missed

It's clear you are over me, it is her that you choose
I deserved so much more than to be replaced by your booze"

2020 comes to an end

 12/02/2020

Summing up another year that I have survived, though not without more heartache. Since my happiest moment of last year when Jim and I got married until today I went from one extreme to the other and am proud to say that I am still in one piece.

We lost my moms house, and we lost our precious baby Isaiah to sids at just three months old. One week apart from tragedy to tragedy, how we made it I have no clue. But we are here, we are stronger as a family and as individuals. We are holding one another up the best we can and we know that we can overcome everything put in our way. This is what I choose to believe, to carry forward, to instill in myself and others because giving up is never an option. Bring on 2021 I am not afraid.

I will not be broken

 August 30, 2020

In a matter of days life has gone from perfection to destruction and until this moment, I was certain that it would break me once again. The month prior to August 22nd was spent battling a choice my sister had made not just for herself, but for our entire family that I knew wouldn't end well. Against my better judgement I gave in to my sisters desire for happiness and love, never knowing the true cost, never imagining how much we would pay. 

As I sat in my neighbors grass watching my mothers house burn to ashes, I couldn't tell if I was more angry or sad thinking about all that was lost. I could feel the vile creep up my throat as a sense of deja vu washed over me, and I was reminded of that St. Patricks day March of 2010 when Jake burned down my house too. And if losing my mothers house and childhood home weren't enough, one week after the fire on August 29, 2020 Jacob lost his precious baby boy to sids and I lost my first grandson and all happiness that I was feeling was gone. 

WHY?!?! I just want to know why?? How could he be taken from us? He was innocent, sweet, loving, and hadn't begun to live yet! I want someone to give me answers, I want him to be brought back to us, we weren't ready for him to go! It is unfair tragedies like this that make me hate certain things in life. I will never understand why........my heart is hurting like never before. 

January 3 2018

It has been nearly two years since my life changed yet again, another milestone, another experince that has and will continue to, shape me into someone I had only dreamt of becoming.  When I look back at where this journey began, before I met Jack, before I had any hope left at all, I get emotional as hell because in my reality there is no way I should be here. No possible way that I should be thinking clearer than ever, leading a full and productive life where I am not lost or confused, where I no longer question who this woman is staring back at me every day. 

Finding my place

November 30, 2018

I finally believe I am who I am supposed to be after being lost for so long. The road has been rugged and terrifying at times, how I have been able to come out as well as I have amazes me every day and I am so grateful that my will to live was stronger than my will to die. There are still days that I am not at my best, but there are more days now that I am and I am learning to take them one day at a time. I am finally able to cope again with the things that used to cripple me, and I didn't think I would ever be able to change that for myself. 

Each morning I wake up now I am filled with feelings of love, peace, acceptance.....HOPE. I go over in my mind how much I love and appreciate the ones who have stood beside me and who have given me their support.  Jim and I recently got married and let me say this, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would feel so impacted by love and being loved. He is my true hero and knight in shining armor, and has shown me what unconditional love is. To Jacob as well, he is adopting him and Jacob will be taking his name we couldn't be more proud.

Consequences

Jacob Thomas Stuart

10/13/2000 - 02/09/2019

Jacob was born on October 13, 2000, Friday the 13th on a full moon night. His birth was a miracle as I had already lost 3 pregnancies and was told that I would likely suffer yet another with him. I decided to leave it to Gods hands and accept the outcome of his choosing, when I heard his first cry I understood that God had given me the most precious gift I could ever receive. I just didn't know how hard I would have to continue to fight for my sons life for the next 18 years. 

It is clear after last night just how true the butterfly effect is on the lives of those around you when you make a decision. Nothing ever only involves just ourselves when we make a choice in life, the repercussions of our actions can be seen and felt like the waves of the ocean gearing up for a tsunami. The ripples though small at first, begin to overlap one another, gathering up its speed and strength until there is nowhere for it to go except blasting itself outward at a force far greater than any man made explosion could. The shock waves that can be felt long after the wave subsides have shaken me to my core and have left me just as trembling on the inside. 

Though the choices made last night were not my own, I have to take responsibilities for the choices in my past that had its effects on my sons life. In doing so I have learned valuable lessons in processing my guilt and shame, growing both in spirit and mind and am choosing to let this define who I am rather than let the choices decide for me. I am coming to the realization that being a good parent to a struggling and defiant child means that I have to step back from the desire to fix things for him and let the natural consequences enter his reality. 

Spending the week by myself with him in a facility and Jim in Mexico, it was the first time in a while that I wasn't worried about mine or Jacobs safety. Choosing to let natural consequences weigh out this time seems to have been the right choice for Jacob because he voluntarily admitted himself in for treatment and was finally the one making the decision to help himself instead of it being me choosing for him. I believe this to be the first step for him in choosing his own path to finding his way and coping with the issues he struggles with. We all need to make that choice at some point in our lives and for me, allowing him to do so has strengthened us both and given him the power over his life. Now on the correct meds to even him out, Jacob seems to finally be on an emotional level and able to consciously see his actions, reactions and make decisions out of reason and logic. All very important insights that he never had control over before. 

He is not the only one growing from this experience, I as well as our family are learning to work together and are able to do so more cohesively and as a unit rather than as individuals. Considering how far we have come I realized that this event also marks my third year since seeking Jacks help in finding Happy Jappy. I am filled with pride and accomplishment for the road that has gotten me here, and celebrate my victories every day that I am blessed to wake up alive. I ask myself what it is that pushed me to crawl out of the depths of my deep depression and fight to live again, and I think I finally know with certainty what the answer is.

I wanted to live and love because I deserved too and I was determined to be as present as I could so that I could enjoy the best part of my life with my family. I rarely have days now where I am depressed or thinking negative thoughts about myself. Every now and then these thoughts creep in but I have the presence and the tools to recognize them and correct the behavior. I don't think life has ever looked so beautiful to me, I smile at the thought of each new day and am more driven than ever to find peace and greatness in every moment I breathe in. That broken and dying girl who came to Jack three years ago has found a way to heal all that had destroyed her and has grown into this woman who has found strength and appreciation for the scars she will forever bear.

Today is as wonderful and fulfilling as I choose for it to be, I live with no regrets from my past and a full desire to make the most of each moment forward no matter the obstacles that are put in front of me. Not only have I gained myself back, but I have been given a stronger relationship with Jim and Jacob and have been blessed to call Jack and Kathleen my family as well. One day at a time is all that I can be responsible for and I take it head on with a vigor and love that I had not known before. I know there is nothing I cannot overcome and am aware that all I am faced with is not impossible. I love where and who I am today and would do it all again if i knew this is where I would end up. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

7 Years

December 13 2018

I have been dreaming about Jake the last few weeks again, nothing scary but he is just there. Sometimes he is trying to find his way back into my life as it is now, he is oblivious to the fact he has been gone for 7 years and behaves as though nothing ever happened between us, and no time has passed. I don't know what they mean, it has been a while since I have dreamt of him this often. 

Maybe it is simply because the anniversary is here, today is the day that he was hit by the truck and put on life support. He was not officially gone until December 22. The life I had with him seems too distant to be mine anymore, too tragic and painful to remember to feel. Not that I have forgotten my life with him just that I choose to focus on the life that I have now and the woman I have become since his death. Nobody could have told me that this is where I would be, I wouldn't believe them. 

I think it was important for me to truly forgive Jake for everything that happened at his hands, to do my best to let go of the hold he once had on me. Remnants are still a part of me, always will be but today I realize that without him and my experiences as his wife, I wouldn't have Jim and all the love he gives to me. While I feel sad right now when I think of that day 7 years ago it doesn't feel like the same sadness, it's not the same grieving I did for the woman I lost when he died. 

I had to lose her to become who I am now, and I accept and acknowledge it with grace. My grief has evolved into a sadness for Jake and the pain he must have went through to be the person that he was, to do the hurtful things he did  to me. That is a tremendous amount of pain to carry, and I think I finally understand that this is what drove him to be so cruel to me. He needed someone else to feel his pain just like I did, to validate it, to not have to feel it alone. 

I am finally ok to say that I don't need who I was before to be ok with who I am now. I no longer seek Jake's permission to move forward and find love again, and I no longer fear that his piercing words would always be true for me. I am so sorry Jake that you were in so much pain, for what it is worth thank you for making me this tough, for giving me reasons to push myself past my breaking point, and for allowing me to let go of you so that I could live again. 

I hope he has found the peace that I have been fortunate enough to find, an eternity spent in turmoil has to be hell. 

Feelings

July 16 2018

Tonight I am sad,

I am depressed, exhausted, unsure, afraid

Scared of things I cannot control

Fearful of situations that have not happened and likely never will

Regretful that I cannot be a better parent for my son,

That I haven't figured out how to communicate with him better

Why is it so hard for people who love each other  to talk to one another?

To see each others point of view? To listen to one another?

Sad that I often feel misunderstood by others I love,

Sad that I wish i felt more important to them

I feel stupid sometimes for trying so  hard to please everyone when I know they would not do the same for me

Still, this has not stopped me from being who I am

It just hurts to be me sometimes, it is lonely and scary and I don’t like how it makes me feel inside

I want to be seen for who I am, for the things I have overcome and the way I try everyday to be a better me

I wonder what it would be like to not know pain and disappointment? This cannot be all that life has in store for us, there is no way we are here to be ignored, thrown away, dismissed, mistreated, unloved, unwanted…...forgotten.

I have been wronged and I have been the one to do wrong to others that I love,

How can I stop reacting defensively? How can I rewire my brain to understand not everything

Is a threat to my being, that I can choose the outcome now, that I don’t have to just survive

I can live, I am allowed to be here without fear of being hurt right? Aren’t we all? How can I change the way I think and feel? I don't want to be sad and depressed, how can I feel like I am good enough? Fuck tonight and my emotions over running me