FEELS SO GOOD THAT IT HURTS

AUGUST 16 2017

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THAT FEELING SO GOOD WOULD HURT THIS BADLY, THAT ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL AGAIN CAN BE AS PAINFUL AS IT HAPPY. FOR SO LONG I WAS NOWHERE, FLOATING AROUND IN A SEA OF BLACKNESS AWAY FROM THE WORLD, THE ONLY SOUND I HEARD WERE MY OWN SCREAMS. NO LIGHT, NO AIR, NO HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WOULD BREATH AGAIN. SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF WONDERING HOW I EVER EXISTED IN THAT PLACE BUT STILL REMAINED HERE, IT INTRIGUES ME TO THINK ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE MIND MUST BE TO ALLOW A DUAL EXISTENCE THAT WAY. 

IN ONLY A YEAR AND A HALF I HAVE DONE WHAT I SAID TO MYSELF WAS IMPOSSIBLE AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO START LIVING AGAIN. THERE ARE MORE GOOD DAYS THAN BAD ONES NOW AND I DONT THINK OF KILLING MYSELF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY BUT SOME DAYS MY HEART HURTS MORE NOW THAN IT EVER DID. WHEN I STOP AND THINK OF THE ROAD THAT BROUGHT ME HERE I WONDER HOW I EVER MADE IT AT ALL. BUT I DID AND HERE I AM, THE SAME ME BUT DIFFERENT. LEARNING MORE ABOUT MYSELF MORE EVERY DAY, NO LONGER SEEING A STRANGER IN THE MIRROR BUT STILL AFRAID OF THAT REFLECTION STARING BACK. MORE SENSITIVE TO FEELINGS THAN BEFORE I OFTEN FIND MYSELF BEING OVERLY AFFECTED BY EMOTIONS AND WHILE I AM GRATEFUL TO FEEL AGAIN, I SOMETIMES RESENT THE INTENSITY OF WHAT I AM FEELING.