Tonight I am sad,
I am depressed, exhausted, unsure, afraid
Scared of things I cannot control
Fearful of situations that have not happened and likely never will
Regretful that I cannot be a better parent for my son,
That I haven't figured out how to communicate with him better
Why is it so hard for people who love each other to talk to one another?
To see each others point of view? To listen to one another?
Sad that I often feel misunderstood by others I love,
Sad that I wish i felt more important to them
I feel stupid sometimes for trying so hard to please everyone when I know they would not do the same for me
Still, this has not stopped me from being who I am
It just hurts to be me sometimes, it is lonely and scary and I don’t like how it makes me feel inside
I want to be seen for who I am, for the things I have overcome and the way I try everyday to be a better me
I wonder what it would be like to not know pain and disappointment? This cannot be all that life has in store for us, there is no way we are here to be ignored, thrown away, dismissed, mistreated, unloved, unwanted…...forgotten.
I have been wronged and I have been the one to do wrong to others that I love,
How can I stop reacting defensively? How can I rewire my brain to understand not everything
Is a threat to my being, that I can choose the outcome now, that I don’t have to just survive
I can live, I am allowed to be here without fear of being hurt right? Aren’t we all? How can I change the way I think and feel? I don't want to be sad and depressed, how can I feel like I am good enough? Fuck tonight and my emotions over running me
I hear you. This is the first time I have come to this blog in a long time. Some thoughts for your consideration: You and I both know that you have come a long, long way. That does not protect you from being hurt but it gives you more perspective and context for the pain you feel. You can only do what you can do in a relationship. You cannot take responsibility for another's responsibility in any given relationship. Jacob is who he is and has lessons to learn that you cannot teach him. None of us can hide behind our mental illness. Life has a brutal way of reminding us that. You and Jim have given him every opportunity that you could provide him to redirect his path and he consistently reverts back to old ways of thinking, feeling, and acting. That is not your fault. That is a boundary the I believe you still need to work on. Another way of looking at it is that Jacob's choices are no longer in your lane. Remember the story I told you about my oldest daughter. I had to let her go in order for her to experience life on life's terms and make different choices. You have been an amazing Mom and you have worked very hard. Let me know if I can be of any assistance to you. I am hoping that you guys can attend our open house/BBQ a week from this Sunday, anytime between 4 and 8. We may even have live music. Hot dogs, hamburgers, etc. It is where we live; 11504 E. Fairview Ave. Spokane Valley. I am so sorry that it has taken me this long to see this post. Kathleen is in St. Louis with her daughter stabilizing things there but will be back 9/6. Take very good care of yourself and consider yourself hugged!
ReplyDeleteJack Stell