2020 comes to an end

 12/02/2020

Summing up another year that I have survived, though not without more heartache. Since my happiest moment of last year when Jim and I got married until today I went from one extreme to the other and am proud to say that I am still in one piece.

We lost my moms house, and we lost our precious baby Isaiah to sids at just three months old. One week apart from tragedy to tragedy, how we made it I have no clue. But we are here, we are stronger as a family and as individuals. We are holding one another up the best we can and we know that we can overcome everything put in our way. This is what I choose to believe, to carry forward, to instill in myself and others because giving up is never an option. Bring on 2021 I am not afraid.

I will not be broken

 August 30, 2020

In a matter of days life has gone from perfection to destruction and until this moment, I was certain that it would break me once again. The month prior to August 22nd was spent battling a choice my sister had made not just for herself, but for our entire family that I knew wouldn't end well. Against my better judgement I gave in to my sisters desire for happiness and love, never knowing the true cost, never imagining how much we would pay. 

As I sat in my neighbors grass watching my mothers house burn to ashes, I couldn't tell if I was more angry or sad thinking about all that was lost. I could feel the vile creep up my throat as a sense of deja vu washed over me, and I was reminded of that St. Patricks day March of 2010 when Jake burned down my house too. And if losing my mothers house and childhood home weren't enough, one week after the fire on August 29, 2020 Jacob lost his precious baby boy to sids and I lost my first grandson and all happiness that I was feeling was gone. 

WHY?!?! I just want to know why?? How could he be taken from us? He was innocent, sweet, loving, and hadn't begun to live yet! I want someone to give me answers, I want him to be brought back to us, we weren't ready for him to go! It is unfair tragedies like this that make me hate certain things in life. I will never understand why........my heart is hurting like never before. 

January 3 2018

It has been nearly two years since my life changed yet again, another milestone, another experince that has and will continue to, shape me into someone I had only dreamt of becoming.  When I look back at where this journey began, before I met Jack, before I had any hope left at all, I get emotional as hell because in my reality there is no way I should be here. No possible way that I should be thinking clearer than ever, leading a full and productive life where I am not lost or confused, where I no longer question who this woman is staring back at me every day. 

Finding my place

November 30, 2018

I finally believe I am who I am supposed to be after being lost for so long. The road has been rugged and terrifying at times, how I have been able to come out as well as I have amazes me every day and I am so grateful that my will to live was stronger than my will to die. There are still days that I am not at my best, but there are more days now that I am and I am learning to take them one day at a time. I am finally able to cope again with the things that used to cripple me, and I didn't think I would ever be able to change that for myself. 

Each morning I wake up now I am filled with feelings of love, peace, acceptance.....HOPE. I go over in my mind how much I love and appreciate the ones who have stood beside me and who have given me their support.  Jim and I recently got married and let me say this, I never imagined in my wildest dreams that I would feel so impacted by love and being loved. He is my true hero and knight in shining armor, and has shown me what unconditional love is. To Jacob as well, he is adopting him and Jacob will be taking his name we couldn't be more proud.

Consequences

Jacob Thomas Stuart

10/13/2000 - 02/09/2019

Jacob was born on October 13, 2000, Friday the 13th on a full moon night. His birth was a miracle as I had already lost 3 pregnancies and was told that I would likely suffer yet another with him. I decided to leave it to Gods hands and accept the outcome of his choosing, when I heard his first cry I understood that God had given me the most precious gift I could ever receive. I just didn't know how hard I would have to continue to fight for my sons life for the next 18 years. 

It is clear after last night just how true the butterfly effect is on the lives of those around you when you make a decision. Nothing ever only involves just ourselves when we make a choice in life, the repercussions of our actions can be seen and felt like the waves of the ocean gearing up for a tsunami. The ripples though small at first, begin to overlap one another, gathering up its speed and strength until there is nowhere for it to go except blasting itself outward at a force far greater than any man made explosion could. The shock waves that can be felt long after the wave subsides have shaken me to my core and have left me just as trembling on the inside. 

Though the choices made last night were not my own, I have to take responsibilities for the choices in my past that had its effects on my sons life. In doing so I have learned valuable lessons in processing my guilt and shame, growing both in spirit and mind and am choosing to let this define who I am rather than let the choices decide for me. I am coming to the realization that being a good parent to a struggling and defiant child means that I have to step back from the desire to fix things for him and let the natural consequences enter his reality. 

Spending the week by myself with him in a facility and Jim in Mexico, it was the first time in a while that I wasn't worried about mine or Jacobs safety. Choosing to let natural consequences weigh out this time seems to have been the right choice for Jacob because he voluntarily admitted himself in for treatment and was finally the one making the decision to help himself instead of it being me choosing for him. I believe this to be the first step for him in choosing his own path to finding his way and coping with the issues he struggles with. We all need to make that choice at some point in our lives and for me, allowing him to do so has strengthened us both and given him the power over his life. Now on the correct meds to even him out, Jacob seems to finally be on an emotional level and able to consciously see his actions, reactions and make decisions out of reason and logic. All very important insights that he never had control over before. 

He is not the only one growing from this experience, I as well as our family are learning to work together and are able to do so more cohesively and as a unit rather than as individuals. Considering how far we have come I realized that this event also marks my third year since seeking Jacks help in finding Happy Jappy. I am filled with pride and accomplishment for the road that has gotten me here, and celebrate my victories every day that I am blessed to wake up alive. I ask myself what it is that pushed me to crawl out of the depths of my deep depression and fight to live again, and I think I finally know with certainty what the answer is.

I wanted to live and love because I deserved too and I was determined to be as present as I could so that I could enjoy the best part of my life with my family. I rarely have days now where I am depressed or thinking negative thoughts about myself. Every now and then these thoughts creep in but I have the presence and the tools to recognize them and correct the behavior. I don't think life has ever looked so beautiful to me, I smile at the thought of each new day and am more driven than ever to find peace and greatness in every moment I breathe in. That broken and dying girl who came to Jack three years ago has found a way to heal all that had destroyed her and has grown into this woman who has found strength and appreciation for the scars she will forever bear.

Today is as wonderful and fulfilling as I choose for it to be, I live with no regrets from my past and a full desire to make the most of each moment forward no matter the obstacles that are put in front of me. Not only have I gained myself back, but I have been given a stronger relationship with Jim and Jacob and have been blessed to call Jack and Kathleen my family as well. One day at a time is all that I can be responsible for and I take it head on with a vigor and love that I had not known before. I know there is nothing I cannot overcome and am aware that all I am faced with is not impossible. I love where and who I am today and would do it all again if i knew this is where I would end up. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

7 Years

December 13 2018

I have been dreaming about Jake the last few weeks again, nothing scary but he is just there. Sometimes he is trying to find his way back into my life as it is now, he is oblivious to the fact he has been gone for 7 years and behaves as though nothing ever happened between us, and no time has passed. I don't know what they mean, it has been a while since I have dreamt of him this often. 

Maybe it is simply because the anniversary is here, today is the day that he was hit by the truck and put on life support. He was not officially gone until December 22. The life I had with him seems too distant to be mine anymore, too tragic and painful to remember to feel. Not that I have forgotten my life with him just that I choose to focus on the life that I have now and the woman I have become since his death. Nobody could have told me that this is where I would be, I wouldn't believe them. 

I think it was important for me to truly forgive Jake for everything that happened at his hands, to do my best to let go of the hold he once had on me. Remnants are still a part of me, always will be but today I realize that without him and my experiences as his wife, I wouldn't have Jim and all the love he gives to me. While I feel sad right now when I think of that day 7 years ago it doesn't feel like the same sadness, it's not the same grieving I did for the woman I lost when he died. 

I had to lose her to become who I am now, and I accept and acknowledge it with grace. My grief has evolved into a sadness for Jake and the pain he must have went through to be the person that he was, to do the hurtful things he did  to me. That is a tremendous amount of pain to carry, and I think I finally understand that this is what drove him to be so cruel to me. He needed someone else to feel his pain just like I did, to validate it, to not have to feel it alone. 

I am finally ok to say that I don't need who I was before to be ok with who I am now. I no longer seek Jake's permission to move forward and find love again, and I no longer fear that his piercing words would always be true for me. I am so sorry Jake that you were in so much pain, for what it is worth thank you for making me this tough, for giving me reasons to push myself past my breaking point, and for allowing me to let go of you so that I could live again. 

I hope he has found the peace that I have been fortunate enough to find, an eternity spent in turmoil has to be hell. 

Feelings

July 16 2018

Tonight I am sad,

I am depressed, exhausted, unsure, afraid

Scared of things I cannot control

Fearful of situations that have not happened and likely never will

Regretful that I cannot be a better parent for my son,

That I haven't figured out how to communicate with him better

Why is it so hard for people who love each other  to talk to one another?

To see each others point of view? To listen to one another?

Sad that I often feel misunderstood by others I love,

Sad that I wish i felt more important to them

I feel stupid sometimes for trying so  hard to please everyone when I know they would not do the same for me

Still, this has not stopped me from being who I am

It just hurts to be me sometimes, it is lonely and scary and I don’t like how it makes me feel inside

I want to be seen for who I am, for the things I have overcome and the way I try everyday to be a better me

I wonder what it would be like to not know pain and disappointment? This cannot be all that life has in store for us, there is no way we are here to be ignored, thrown away, dismissed, mistreated, unloved, unwanted…...forgotten.

I have been wronged and I have been the one to do wrong to others that I love,

How can I stop reacting defensively? How can I rewire my brain to understand not everything

Is a threat to my being, that I can choose the outcome now, that I don’t have to just survive

I can live, I am allowed to be here without fear of being hurt right? Aren’t we all? How can I change the way I think and feel? I don't want to be sad and depressed, how can I feel like I am good enough? Fuck tonight and my emotions over running me

For you Jack!

Review for Brain Healing Website

november 10, 2016

I have spent many nights trying to perfect what I would want people to know about how amazing Jack and Kathleen are for the new website. I know this is way too long so I am working on revising it but wanted Jack to read what I would like to say. :) I am continuing to work on it so that it will be shortened.

Chelle

One Would not expect to find a universal solution to encompass many different problems amongst many people, yet I have found that this has been the general consensus with all of the therapists I have sought out. Each time I gained the courage to try again and bear my open wounds to yet another accredited Therapist who specialized in Traumatic Brain injury and PTSD, I was met with the same textbook meet and greet and hasty diagnosis. My problem was not that I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but that I couldn’t find one therapist who was willing to listen to what I was actually asking for. I spent the past 5 years doing my own research and self discovery as I was not complacent to just sit and wait for a perfect stranger to show me a miracle when they couldn’t even show me the respect of simply listening, actually hearing me.

My other concern was that my belief that traditional medications for mental health issues was not for me, not only went unheard but seemed to go against the cookie cutter protocol of treatment plans provided by these therapists. I quickly learned that to advocate for myself and a treatment plan that was psychotropic free, was not an acceptable expectation and was misconstrued as a refusal for care and treatment. It never seemed to matter that it was I who had initiated the services of these therapists, that I was there with the intention that I wanted to help myself with their assistance, I just preferred to accomplish this without being under the influence of pharmaceuticals. I did not need to medicate myself, what I was desperate to do was to HEAL  myself and gain the necessary skills to continue healing long after therapy was finished.

What I used to view as roadblocks and failures each time I quit a therapist, suddenly became stepping stones to the place that I was meant to find and the people meant to help me complete my journey. That place is Brain Healing LLC and those people are the reason that I am still here today, they are why i can finally say with certainty that I am going to be alright. The moment that I walked through Jack & Kathleen Stell's doors, I was immediately struck with the feeling that opening those doors symbolized walking into their open arms and open hearts. It felt like I was finally  “home” and that feeling has never gone away, it is still present every time I walk through the doors of Brain Healing. It became the exact thing I needed in order to be just brave enough to take the next step to finding wellness and hope once again. Something I was not aware I was lacking from my previous therapists, but now it makes so much sense to me. It explains why I remained guarded up until that point, why I never truly bared the rawness of my pain and fears even though I desired to be that vulnerable and open to being redefined in who I was.

Jack’s first and foremost plan of action is to make sure that you are always 110%....SAFE, both physically and psychologically. This is not negotiable for any reason and remains the most important aspect of the client/patient relationship that Jack works so  hard to develop with each individual he sees. Trust is earned through patience and at the pace you define, and he is as committed as you are in finding the right treatment plan. Every possibility and idea is openly shared by Jack so that you are as much a part of the process as you choose to be. This ensures that while I am in a session with Jack, 100% of my attention and focus will be on the work we are doing and the outcome I am working towards.  It is comforting  to know that Jack himself, has done this same work as what he teaches and you wouldn’t know that a man with his demeanor, empathy and sincerity is also a Combat Naval Veteran who suffers from TBI and PTSD. He truly is your equal and is personally invested in each client successful journey to wellness. Jack’s methods are highly  complimented when paired with Neurofeedback, which is facilitated by his partner and amazing wife, Kathleen. She is the absolute Wizard of Neurofeedback,  being considerate and patient enough to allow a client the opportunity to not only experience Neurofeedback but somewhat become an expert if they so choose. She openly educates you on the process and protocols of each session and takes the time to go through each brain scan, showing you the comparisons between where your brain was when you started Neurofeedback, and how much your brain has changed through each scan.

Jack & Kathleen are both personally and professionally an open book, inviting you to be as involved in your treatment plans as you would like to be. Every question asked of them is not only answered but often accompanied by hard evidence of why they came to that answer so that it makes sense to you. They have spared no expense to ensure they are providing their clients with the highest quality of Neurofeedback equipment and software, which solidifies the essence of “only the best for the best”  for all of their clients. One of the most unexpected benefits of being a client of theirs is that you will undoubtedly become another member of their “family”,  which also consists of Freja, Jack’s German Shepherd Service Dog and Charlie, the vanguard representative and welcoming committee to all who come through the doors.  Both equally as vital to the Company, they complete what makes Brain Healing an Agency that is as whole and cohesive as you can get with a staff consisting of more than one person. They are a perfect example of what is possible when you are paired with some of the most amazing and inspiring individuals.

While Brain Healing may not be a perfect fit for everyone and/or every situation they were, are and always will be a perfect fit for me and my journey to finding myself again. It is hard to imagine that had I not found Brain Healing I wouldn’t be writing these words,  I would have succumbed to the depression and hopelessness and taken my own life. For some that level of realization will be harsh, but it was my reality, is it a reality of yours? Have you sunk to this level of realization and given up on finding a reason to try one more time? If you have, I urge you to be just brave enough and see if Brain Healing can hel you find your way too. It was my greatest moment of clarity when I took that last chance for myself and I am so grateful to be a part of the family that Brain Healing is. I owe a great debt of gratitude to both Jack and & Kathleen for tirelessly giving of themselves, their knowledge and their time so that others have an opportunity to create a beautiful existence from tragedy and despair.  For the first time in my life I finally have a firm grip on who I am and where I want to go and each day I feel stronger than the one before because I am able to utilize the tools Jack has taught me to become present to my own life. I could go on forever listing the miracles they work in people's lives, but the true impact of what Jack and Kathleen are doing for others can only be felt and not told of. You have nothing to lose by reaching out to them and everything to gain if you do, I know you can be just brave enough this one last time. :)

Happy 3rd Anniversary Daddy

October 5 2017

If someone had told me what it would feel like to lose my father, I am not certain that I would want to have lived if only to experience this level of pain in my heart. Today marks 3 years that my dad is gone from our physical world, 3 years of him missing out on our lives, our children's lives. No longer here to pick up the phone when I call him, no more letters or emails from him, no more I love you's upon our ears at the end of the day, just no more anything. The tradition for daddy's anniversary, birthday or fathers day has been for all of us to gather at my house, write our messages on balloons, say a few words and laugh then release the balloons in the hopes our words might reach him in heaven. My sister and I both promised him that after he went we would do our best to work on a relationship with one another and that we would make sure to spend time with each other no matter what. I meant what I said and I thought that she did too, which is why it hurt even more that she ditched me on his anniversary of all days because she made plans to hang out with a girlfriend instead and my mother decided to go to bingo instead of coming too. So here I am, alone by myself celebrating my dads anniversary for the first time without the others who once loved him and wanted to keep his memory alive with me. 

I am not only hurt, I am angry as hell that I am by myself even though I know my family has the right to do whatever they like, I just wish it didn't have to be on this day. I don't want to forget my father, I don't want to make other plans and not celebrate him and his life, i don't want to be here celebrating him alone, but I am. It terrifies me that this is what will happen when I die too, that people will forget me, forget that I ever existed in their lives, will make other plans on the one day that I would want them to remember me. Maybe this is all that we get when life ends, to be forgotten and end up wherever we go when we die. I am devastated at this thought but am not reassured that there is much more, to be honest. 

Today is supposed to be a day full of laughter and feeling loved and close to my father with my family by my side. But why am I surprised because this is how my family has always treated me so why is it hurting me so much? Because I put my faith in them when I knew better and I got let down by them, my fault entirely for believing that they could care about anyone but themselves. 

Thank you so much

September 14, 2017

Dear Michelle,

I realized today that I had forgotten to do something very important, and I hope you can forgive me for not doing this sooner. Since January of last year we have been on an extraordinary journey together, you and I, both of us making changes in ourselves and finally embracing all of the pain we have been through. For the past month I have really struggled emotionally and was not certain why, but after seeing Jack today he gave me some insight that I had not thought of before. Please bear with me as it is important to find the right words to express just how grateful I am for you because without you there would be....no ME.

Each morning when I look in the mirror, I see more and more of who I am becoming and I reflect on how I got to this place, right now, right here. Every day I see you in my mind, and I know now that I have to set you free so that you can find the closure that you have needed to. I want to thank you for being you, for being so strong and resilient at everything you did in life no matter how painful or hopeless it seemed. You were always strong and determined to be someone who didn't let others get her down, you refused to let someone else snuff out the light inside of you even when it was so small that it barely flickered. I admire the part of you that didn't know what it was like to give up or quit, and I am espectially fond of the fact that you always tried and went into things head first, never doubting that you could or would accomplish something.  You were and are incredibly warm-hearted and an open book with people, even strangers. People always felt comfortable and drawn to you and opened themselves up to you when they had never done that with anyone else before, you comforted others and reassured them that everything would be ok and you have done the same for me. 

I try to think about how you managed to remain so brave and tough through your life, what was it that drove you to keep moving forward through it all? I will never know that answer but I do know that I owe you everything because of it, you have been my rock and foundation for all these years but it is time to let you have peace and release you from carrying me any further. Thank you for being the kind of girl who was confident in herself and her abilities, thank you for being the one to shield me from the unpleasantness of growing up with a mother who was never satisfied and whose harsh and cruel words would have been too much for me to bear. Thank you for being the strong one in the family that kept us all together when things were falling apart, for raising my sister the best that you knew how and for taking care of my dad when he was going through his depression and suicide attempts our senior year in high school. Thank you for standing up and doing what needed doing for him when our mother left the country and abandoned you to do it on your own. Thank you for believing in people and love, and for not letting the bad things harden your heart even after Jake. 

Thank you for doing all that you could those 7 years to keep me and Jacob safe from harm and destruction, nobody should ever have to endure the amount of violence and pain that you went through because of Jake. Thank you for showing yourself what it was like to stand behind your word at all costs when you took care of Jake so that he could never use it against us that we failed him like all others in his life. Thank you for maintaining your integrity even when you felt like you had none left, and for showing me what it looked like to be a brave and fearless warrior when you were walking through hell. Because of you and your refusal to die by the hands of another, I am alive today and am learning who I am and what I am capable of. For so long I have lived in your shadow, hiding from the tragedies in my life, sheltered from it all with you as my shield. I am so grateful for you giving me this life and the hope that the road ahead can and will be better than I ever imagined it could be. Without you experiencing the loss of Jake and the grief that came with it, I would not have been able to be so brave when daddy died and been able to be the strong one for everyone else. I had never known death before Jake and I am so sorry that it was so hard on you and hurt so much, you never deserved to know that level of burden on your beautiful spirit. 

I will forever be amazed at how much strength the human spirit can have and what it can endure while still surviving. I may be afraid at times because I am still learning and getting to know this new person that I am, but I know with certainty that nothing is impossible and that gives me great hope for my future. You have carried us through all of the pain, the hurt, the disappointments, the beatings, the let downs, the near death experiences, the losses and now the fight to win at life. Because of you, I am confident that from here on out I can do this on my own so that you can put yourself to rest and find some peace, you more than deserve that after everything. Saying good bye to you is not a bad thing, and it doesn't mean that I will forget all that you did for us or who you were, it is me giving you this gift to finally be free of all the pain the way you have given me the gift of a new life. I will always love, respect and admire you for all that you were and will carry with me all the pieces of you that I need to keep moving forward as a strong and beautiful woman who has overcome the impossible. Thank you so much for being an inspiration and the epitome of what it is to be a WOMAN against all odds. You will forever be my hero and my reason for living my life to the fullest every chance I get. I will find and keep the happiness and achievement we both so deserve, and will not ever take for granted the sacrifices you made so that I could finally live again. I love you with everything that I am, and I will always carry you in my heart. Thank you so much, Michelle, thank you more than words can ever say.