I am the Storm

October 24, 2016

All this time I have been waiting for the calm before the storm, until tonight when I realized I AM THE STORM.  This was not a thought I had ever considered before now, a storm that I have been waiting for was brewing inside of me all this time. It showed its presence this evening, caught my attention and then some, leaving me to sort out the aftermath on my own. A sinking feeling hung in my heart all day today, a nagging worry that could not be explained by any rational idea that entered my mind. A fearsome tag along more than my usual uneasiness, it piggy backed my anxiety just waiting for the perfect moment to unleash it powerful destruction inside of me, letting me know that it and only it would have control of everything for the few moments that seemed like an eternity from beginning to end. 

There is no ideal place for one to experience this storm, it wouldn't matter where you were or what you were doing when it let go, there is nothing to prepare you for the undertaking of your self when the cyclone starts spinning. Least desirable place might be behind the wheel of your car traveling 70mph down the highway as darkness had just settled in over the sky. My fears had become so intense that I made it a point to call Jim as I was getting on the freeway, I was scared but didn't know of what, and I felt impending doom in my chest that I could not shake. He tried to comfort me, told me to turn around and come home so that he could drive me to go get Jacob in Post Falls, reminded me over and over that I was ok and that it was nothing, that everything would be ok. I wanted to believe him I truly did, but it appeared that this was what would fuel the storm into unleashing on me. 

Without warning it felt as if a lightning bolt had pierced the skin on my right side just above the waist, sending a searing jolt of electricity into my torso, lungs and heart. The electrictiy it conducted sent the most intense heat I have ever felt, pulsing through my every fiber and cell. My vision began to close in on me and I realized that I was moments away from passing out while I was still traveling at 70 mph. I screamed to Jim that I was dying, or having a stroke, heart attack, blood clot something, everything was so wrong. I barely had enough time to tell him where I was and safely pull off to the median before blacking out. It was everything I had in me to ride that storm long enough to call 911 for help and wait for it to arrive. My eyes were tingling like they had been asleep, pins and needles traveled througout my face into my neck and the rest of my trembling & shaking body. It felt like electricity was flowing through my veins, fingertips experiencing sharp, stabbing pulses of the energy. all that I could think was that I was going to die just like that, in my car, on the side of the freeway at the Barker road exit. 

Sweat began to pour off of my head and face, dripping down onto my lap like a faucet had been turned on above my head. Heart racing, my staggering mind frantically searching for the fire that was burning inside my body, cooking me from the inside out. My life was flashing before my very eyes, to my boy waiting for me to arrive only I might not be there to pick him up and how would he know that I didn't mean to abandon him that way? To my love and my life with Jim, how short lived and unfair it would be if I had to leave now after we were still falling in love with one another. I wished myself to just hang on for a little bit longer, telling my daddy that I wasn't ready to go with him just yuet and to please do something to stall the maker if he was in fact, there to take me beyond this life into the next. Terrified, I knew of only one thing I could do that would calm me down within seconds, something that would bring me back to reality and clear my mind of the fears and irrational circles it was spinning itself into. Something I generally don not do in the presence of others, but tonight I would have done it in from of the entire world I needed it so badly.  I began square breathing, and I didn't stop until the firemen and emts arrived. 

Only 15 short minutes had elapsed from the time I screamed to Jim on the phone that I was dying to the moment those lights and bells were sitting behind me but those 15 minutes felt like 15 years or more. Had i not been doing square breathing there is no way I would have been capable of walking myself up into the ambulance, and there is no way possible that my heart rate would be below 100, my blood pressure 128/96 and my oxygen at 100% after the state of panic I had just gone through. While the emt;s were telling me that everything was fine and it appeared to be a serious panic attack, I heard a soft knock on the window of the ambulance, and I didn't have to open my eyes to know who was standing there asking to be let in, it was Jim. His eyes had worry all over them, he looked afraid, scared, lost but we were together so we were going to be ok. 

And here I am, 3 hours after the worst panic attack of my life sitting here blogging about it and sharing that there was only one thing that saved me tonight......Jacks most valuable tool in my arsenal, SQUARE BREATHING. Just one more validation that something so silly can be so incredibly priceless to know and utilize. Thank you Jack for teaching me your ridiculous technique so that I could will myself back to reality and safely out of what I thought was the end of my life. I'll high five you tomorrow when I see you :) and no, not high five like my family comin at you just a high five for a job well done in teaching this student your best idea ever. )

My Metamorphosis pt1

October 15, 2016

I now know what it is to experience touch without feeling, scream without a sound, insanity without a mind. I reside within a borrowed shell, it has become crowded but only one of us in here is aware of the space that is no longer fitting for two. I am the constant chatter that is my inner voice, but lack control of it, unable to stop long enough to hear nothing. I have been wearing "me" like a second skin, unknowing and  unaware that I am capable of shedding "me" much like a snake sheds its skin. But I am nearing a pivotal moment where a complete transformation is no longer a choice or desire , but one that is expected and inevitable as my capacity for spiritual and psychological growth are exceeded. 

To be acutely aware, even if only for a micro second, that the person you once were is no longer is both a painful and sobering realization. Did I even exist before now? Was I really alive or have I died and been reborn? I cannot give a definite answer because I only know what is now, this person that I am. Remembering who I used to be is difficult, things I once enjoyed, the way that I was as a person, I want to recall who I was but then again I don't.  If I choose to remember then I am accepting of there being a comparison of myself between then and now, it feels like disappointment to me, makes me envious and angry of all that I can no longer be. What and who do I want to choose to be now? So many things I desire, certain qualities and characteristics that I am unsure of how to manifest within myself. For now I know what I am not and this is all I have to work with in moving forward, trying to put what is gone behind me and forgive myself of the negative and persistent thoughts and doubts so that I have a chance to become someone better. 

Of all the things I despise about people somehow I have become a person who is not what I portrayed myself to be. Before this moment I had convinced myself that I was pure at heart, honest, loving, forgiving, mindful of my actions and behaviors so as not to hurt those in my life. But I am realizing that i am none of these things at all, I could never be these things if I have been living as a person who is not connected to myself or the world around me. Every day has been a lie, I made myself and others think that I was strong and that i was ok when that couldn't be farther from the truth. I have self hated, self destructed, been my biggest and worst abuser and ultimately been my own demise. I can see this now, my eyes are opening to see what I have done and it hurts so much more than I ever imagined a soul could hurt. I do not know how to climb out of the grave I have dug for  myself, but I either have to find a way out of it or lay down and die. 

How do I become someone I can be proud of again? A woman who can look at herself in the mirror and know who is staring back at her, oen who loves who she is and approves of the way she is. I want to awake without fear or blackness swimming inside of me, I want to experience feeling nothing in both body and mind, without worry or doubts and I want to feel what it is to have life inside of my soul once again. To be content with who and where I am, to appreciate the beauty that is all around me no matter where I am because there is nothing but love, this is the gift that my Jim has given to me every moment, every day. that  I am blessed with his love. 

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October 17, 2016 

Before I can open my eyes to the sun, my mind is flooded with all of the new feelings I am experiencing. Only on the inside never physically yet, when I touch my skin I cannot feel it. I watch my hands and fingers trace over my skin but it is so numb and I hate this feeling. Something is shifting within me, that I am certain of and my mind is trying to process what exactly it is that is changing. I am disconnected but somehow, in my mind, I have become connected in a way to the subtle things that I would never see before. An outsider on the inside that is a fitting analogy to what I am feeling lately, occupying one small space in my own mind but the other part of me does not realize I exist, like watching your own body from above, you know it is happening but you can't feel anything. 

I am essentially, a stranger inside myself treading softly in my new environment, afraid of the unknown. Nothing has prepared me for this astronomical change within me, there is no text book to read from to direct me on what to do with this newfound me. No teacher for guidance, no peers to relate too and follow from, I am on my own in this part of my journey free to explore who I am and free to decide where I go from here
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October 20, 2016

Each day that passes I am feeling better about my future, better about being hopeful that something has shifted for the better and that I am on my way to having a life that I held little hope of having before my journey with Brain Healing. . Each morning I spend a few minutes looking at myself in the mirror, really looking at who I am and who I see. I stare at myself in the eyes and try to become familiar with the person staring back. It is not easy, it is still incredibly difficult to realize that I don't know this person yet, that I don't know her qualities and her traits, her dreams and aspirations but I finally want to know her and all of these things about her. I will post more about this later. 

Forgiveness

October 2, 2016

The two year anniversary of daddy's death is just 3 short days away and has me more emotional than ever. I miss him everyday and think of him at least a dozen times throughout always wishing that he was still here to experience his grandchildren and family. It makes me think about death, and life and I have grown so much since he has been gone. I realize now that there are more certainties we as people will share with one another than we know. These are the certainties I now recognize as being shared by all who are born....it fascinated me to have this insight and I wanted to share. 

- We are all brought into the world with the help of others, nobody can ever do life on their own no matter how alone you think you are.

- We all learn everything we know from something or somebody so look at each as an opportunity to gain knowledge everywhere you go and everyone you meet. Never stop learning

- We will all be hurt, and we will all be the one that does the hurting at some point. There is no way to avoid this so we need to realize that when we are the ones being hurt, 

 - We will all feel at least once in our lifetime, that we are not good enough. Be the one that tells yourself that you are, don't wait for others to validate you why wait when you can easily tell yourself "hey, I am good enough" 

- We will all experience fear in one form or another and will know what it feels like to be comforted when we are afraid. Be the one who comforts someone else who is in fear, remember what it felt like for you when nobody was there and fill that void if you can

 - We all want to feel love and acceptance, even the hardest of hearts will have felt this at one time. Be loving  and compassionate towards others, we don't have to know people to know that we love all who exist. Putting it out there will have affect enough, try it.  

-We will all lie at least once in our lives, some may mean too others may not but we all will do it. Remember why you did the next time someone lies to you, it is usually out of fear that we lie. We fear being caught, being judged, being punished.  

Everything I think about comes back to one principal, one simple thing that when given frees you and frees the other person, when not given can create a lifetime of anger and pain, taking up precious time and space in your heart. That one thing is FORGIVENESS, all of these reasons can be opportunities to live a better, more free existence allowing your heart to be open to love rather than hate. Forgive those who:

- Act above you

- Abandon you

- Hurt you

- Ignore you

- Hate you

- Mock you

- Tear you down

- Put you down

- Fail you

- Leave you behind

- Step on you

- Keep you down

- Deceive you 

- Lie to you

- Take from you

- Disappoint you

- Anger you

I choose to forgive the woman who took my dad's life, I have to because if I don't then until I die I will carry hate and anger in my heart and that will leave no room for the beautiful things life still has in store for me. I don't want to waste that precious space in my heart on her, she has already taken an important part of me why would I want to give her the rest of me? I don't so because of this, I forgive you Veronika for taking my father;s  life, for stealing away a little girls dad and friend. I forgive you and I let go of all the anger and hate in my heart for you and what you have done. I forgive you. 

 

 

 

 

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