Slipping

May 13 2016 

(Friday the 13th)

Everything is slipping......time, memory, thoughts, resilience, progress, HOPE. This week has been incredibly difficult and even more so to process in my mind. Monday/Tuesday at 4:00 am I woke up and found myself in my car, seat belt on, keys in ignition, doors locked and parked a few miles from home in a parking lot near sprague. The back of my head felt like I had hit it or been hit, no memory of how I go there, when or why. The last memory I do have is of laying in bed with Jim talking about going grocery shopping that evening then falling asleep. I call Jim in a panic, scared of where I was and even more scared that I could not recall how the hell I had gotten there. He coached me home on the phone and was waiting at the door to help me in when I arrived. 

He tells me that he never heard me get out of bed or leave so we don;t know how long I had been gone for. I get upset and cry, then become angry that this is happening to me and pissed that I can't remember anything.  I finally fall asleep crying around 6am and awake around 10, feeling better and relieved that I have not overslept or missed seeing Jack at 1:00 later that day. All too good to be true that happiness was as shortly after 11 Jacob and I get into a fight though now I cannot remember what for. I think it started because Jacob called me from a friends house and was asking me for more money (I had already given him $60 a few days before plus he made $20 from my mom on Saturday). When I asked him why he was asking for more money when he should have had more than enough left for whatever he needed, he lies to me and tells me he needs to buy a bus pass. I call him out on it because he gets a free monthly bus pass from school and he had just gotten it on the 1st. He lies about lying and the fight begins, he then tells me ok, I am lying but I want to buy a bus pass for Parker (his friend) to which I reply no, we cannot afford to buy his friends things (we usually end up being the parents that foot the bill on anything these kids do) and he blows up at me. I tell him to come home for the day and he refuses. Eventually I leave to pick him up but he refuses to get in the Jeep, I tell him to hand over his phone as the privilege is gone for the rest of the day and he tosses it at me in the jeep. He keeps walking then flips me off and calls me a bitch. At this point I lose it and go home, the rest is a blur because an episode ensues and I spend all day into Wednesday in bed and sleeping. 

I miss seeing Jack and can't call him, don't know why just can't face anyone and want to hide for awhile so I do. From Wednesday until this afternoon Jacob and I were ok, made amends and talked about what happened resolving to again, attempt to move forward without killing each other. I decide to take him out on Friday night (tonight) to the WWE Live show at the Arena. We are both excited and look forward to going. This morning comes around and I have a busy day of catch up to do from the few days before spent ignoring my life, I get up and immediately Jacob asks me to take him to the mall for a while to look at shoes. I agree to take him and drop him off but tell him that I have a busy afternoon which included doing a few inspections and online training for about 30 minutes at 2:30. I had a chiropractic appointment at 4:00 then we were to leave at 6:30 to head to the Arena for WWE. I had my day mapped out so that I knew what I needed to get done and could allow for enough time to do everything without being pressed for time or getting stressed out.He asks me for money to take to the mall and I agree to give him money for shoes with a few conditions. I only have a $100 bill and don't want him to spend it all, he cannot buy any hats as he just bought 2 this week and he could not buy socks because I just bought him 2 new packages the week before. I tell him this because he has a habit of buying a pair of $20 socks, one pair every time he goes to the mall and today I am only approving him to get shoes. As i drop him off I remind him that he can only get shoes and that I want him to call me first before he buys them so we can talk about the price. I tell him not to be funny and come home with like $2 when I said not to spend it all, we both laughed and I honestly thought he understood what I was saying when we talked about what was expected. 

I get back home and am working online when he calls to tell me he found a pair that are $40. I tell him that's great and to have them hold the pair so he could go look at the other shoes stores before making a final decision. Over the next hour I get another 4 phone calls and even more text messages from him about shoes. At this point I am getting stressed because it is difficult to get anything done when my phone wont stop going off. I am ready to do my online training when he texts He tells me that he bought the shoes for $45 to which I was ok with, but then tells me he bought a shirt, socks and a phone case. I ask him how much he has left of the $100 and he replies $5. Yes, I freaked out and got pissed immediately but tried to remain as calm as I could. But you know what happens next and it escalates when he tells me that he didn't WANT to buy the phone case but that the guy took the money out of his hand and rang up the case. He said the man would not let him leave the store unless he bought the case so to this I become livid as I don't buy his story and tell him to return the case. He tells me the guy won't let him return it or give his money back until I tell him I will call the guy, then he said he got his money back. We fight over the issue of buying socks as this was one of the stipulations that i allow him to go and it ends very badly with him not coming home and me in another episode. He berates me telling me how stupid it is that i got mad about something so small and to get over it. We never make it to WWE. 

I feel completely defeated and weak in my life right now, I have never felt this low or lost and have no idea how to keep going like this. Something so small to him is the biggest problem for me right now because it signifies the fact that he will not listen to me or respect what I say period. It wasn't about the socks it was about what the socks meant to me on  a bigger scale. My patience for things like this has become almost nil and I cannot find a way to be more accepting of these things each time they happen. I think for me I cannot separate the fact that he is a teenager from the fact that I feel personally attacked when he does these things, I feel like it is a punishment from him and I cannot emotionally deal with it in any other way. When he is mean to me, it is a personal attack on me....it throws me back to when I was with Jake and I get scared and defensive. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why the fuck can'i I get past this? Today more than any day until now, I wanted to give up completely and stop living my life. I can no longer try to find ways to cope with this bullshit that I don't understand and want to quit feeling everything that is making me hurt. No, I am not going to do anything to hurt myself this is just how I feel today. It makes me crazy in my mind, round and round in fucking circles that never end, I can't find solutions or different ways to deal with shit. I feel like I am slipping backwards everyday and I am losing this battle within myself. I am angry as hell that of all the shit I have endured how the fuck can it end this way for me??? I cannot breathe the air around me without choking and I cannot change that my mind is so fucked up no matter how hard I want it or how hard I try. 

I am slipping away from reality, from the world around me, from myself. I want to float away into nothingness and I want the blackness that has filled my soul to creep out and slip away from me. I want to slip into unconsiousness and cease my thoughts from making me crazier every day, I want to silence the madness that never stops and I want to turn out the lights in my eyes so that I never see again. This is how I feel today and what I want in this moment, I want nothing because that will be everything to me at the same time. I want to feel no pain, no hurt, no lies, no confusion, no struggle, no loss, no defeat, no weakness. no life. But nothing will grant me this wish so I have to just be here and feel all that I believe is killing me inside. Where can I even go from here? I cannot function this way I am scared that I am too far gone to a place that I can never get back from and each day and each fight takes me further into the abyss that is sucking my soul dry. Either be better or just slip away completely that is all I want.