Slept until 7:30 pm tonight, woke up with night terrors and everyone was gone nobody was home. Hate waking up that way, always scares me and makes me feel vulnerable and alone. I was up until 9 am this morning after helping my girlfriend finish cleaning up the last of her late mothers things from the apartment. See Jack tomorrow which is a good thing to look forward too for me, has been weird not seeing him twice a week but happy that my kiddo gets one day a week with him. He really respects Jack and is enjoying the time he has, I think it will help him as much as it has been helping me.
This morning before going to bed I was getting my tasks in order for the week and when I went to write down something in my notebook, I was thrown off and stopped dead in my tracks. The once white pages of my notebook were no longer white, I started to look around and noticed nothing was the color it once was. Everything white appeared bright yellow and other colors looked as if they were filtered colors, sort of like when I edit photos on my phone. They have sephia, lomo, and other filters that change the colors. That was what I was seeing. I could not explain it and it freaked me out so badly that I just went to bed. When I woke up colors were back to normal again but I don't have an explanation for why the bright yellow color. It was about 15 minutes of seeing this before I went to bed.
I am at a loss for what I am supposed to do anymore, I guess that I need to find a neuro doctor and go in for some tests or something. There is nothing I hate more than trying to find a new doctor to help me. It is exhausting to think about searching for someone who is willing to listen to a new patient and not try to guess whats wrong with me, or put me on medication or order a bunch of tests I don't need, or do nothing after hearing about my history. My experience is generally that of doctors who only want to put you on meds without taking the time to figure out the source of the problem first. I refuse to see a doctor who pushes meds and doesn't genuinely listen to their patients. I understand that I am not a doctor and cant treat myself however, I do know myself better than they would and I have a good documented history of my medical issues and am pretty educated on the things I do know I have.
I am fearful of doctors and our health care system after what I have seen with Jake and what he went through. I am fearful of being dismissed in my concerns or worse, being considered a nut job when they hear my medical history. I am somewhat ok not really knowing how advanced my issues are but on the other hand, it might be better to truly know everything that is going on inside my brain. I know that I will not find a doctor like Jack out there, he is by far the best professional I have been lucky enough to find and I would not ever replace him, but I don't know if he can diagnose me with anything or if I need to see a specialist. Either way I need to move forward with my decision to apply for disability because not working is killing us and we are running out of savings so I have to do something soon. I have some of my medical records which do state I had a tbi and it has now been almost 3 years since I have been able to work like I used to for nearly 16 years of my life doing the same job efficiently, which i can nowhere near do anymore.
The more I think about where to go from here, the less sure I am about my future. The one thing that I haven't lost though is the HOPE that I can and will find a way to be better than I am right now. I know that I am depressed beyond comprehension, I struggle everyday with my constant emotional overload, the tears come daily as do my fits of confusion and anger. But I am trying and I want to keep trying to find my way. I am trying with my kiddo on every level, and things are ok for now but they are up and down I just need to remember where he is emotionally as well and be mindful that this is not easy for him either.
Back to bed for me now, just wanted to jot down the color vision before I forgot. Goodnight
Chelle, hang in there. You are not alone! Keep blogging. Remember this is a process, not a light switch. Though you are suffering you are healthier, both individually and as a Mom than you think!
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