This is going to be another rant where I go off on what is really getting to me today and not caring about what comes out of my mouth. Ugh!
I have this thing that I am VERY self conscious about, and when it happens to me it instantly makes me feel like I am in fight or flight mode, I get sweaty, my heart starts racing and beating through my chest, I can feel my eyes darting back and forth as fast as my mind is trying to think quick, then I panic and get scared and then the anger comes on. There is nothing I hate more than to feel this way over something so small, but it is what it is, learned behavior brought on by years of violent abuse and mind fucks that tore me down to less than nothing and that i have not been able to escape from yet.
When someone asks me a question or wants my opinion or answer on something, I answer them truthfully the first time and generally try to mean what I say. So when they come at me again with the same question but a different tone after I have given my answer, my brain starts into what I described above because here is what logic my mind goes into.
When I answer the first time and my answer is not questionable but very solid, then when the question gets asked again just toned differently, I freak out thinking shit.....that's the wrong answer! what is the right answer? what the hell did I say wrong? maybe I didn't say it good enough? shit, what am I supposed to say now or how am I going to say it right? what if I say the wrong thing then what? am i in trouble? fuck! do i say something different now or do i say the same thing, or shit maybe I say nothing?
This is exactly what goes through my mind the moment the question is repeated. My husband used to love this mind game with me, he did it to me daily and I think it is one of the most devastating and debilitating mental form of abuse anyone can go through. It makes you doubt yourself and what you said, makes you question everything and then makes you panic because is this what he wants to hear or what he wants me to say? You never know what the right answer is because frankly there would never be a chance you could say the right thing because the abuser won't ever let you win. So I learned that I could answer the same question a million different ways but never get it right. It fucked with my head so badly that I still react the same way and have not figured out how to stop it.
It is a sinking feeling to doubt yourself, or feel so stupid that you can't even answer right. You feel wrong no matter what you say and the anger and fury that builds up inside is scary as hell. It is devaluing as a human being to have to justify what you say and explain why you feel certain things. I want there to come a day again where I won't feel the need to do this because that might be the day that I feel complete as a person once again.
I try not to be too negative because I know that I can get pretty black inside from everything, but the good things do not come as often for me so it tends to mostly be bad shit that spills out of my heart. I am tired of being tired and confused everyday. I can't get a grip on where I am going and even though it helps to be seeing Jack and working on things for myself, the moments in my day where I don't recognize that I am a valued person anymore are the moments that remind me of all that I allowed someone to take away from me and that I can't figure out how to get back.
My frustration and depression is growing each day and I am scared more than ever. I have been good at pretending for so long that I can't do it anymore and the true feelings that I have buried deep down are starting to surface and it is scary to say the least. I need help yesterday but I don't know what kind of help. I feel like my mind has not only been murdered but that it is drowning too. Inside my mind, it looks like its being run through a paint shaker and I am screaming as loud as I can but nobody but me can hear it. My thoughts are scattered all over the place and never stop, I just want it to stop for a moment so that I can feel a tiny bit of relief from the chaos I am in everyday.
Today is one of those days where I beg Jim to please take me to the hospital so that I can check myself in to the psychiatric ward and have them medicate my mind so i don't have to feel anymore. That is where I am at right now, I am broken down and beaten down without a logical thought and I know that I am feeling crazy as fuck and I feel like I am going to implode any moment. I feel like I am in a panic and that it is getting worse by the day. I don't know what to do today and I want to stop feeling this way. I cannot function or think or stop freaking out inside. I am scared and want to hear quietness inside my burning soul for just a moment. How do I find that before it is too late? I don't know how much one person is built to take but i know that i am probably far beyond my limit and living on borrowed sanity. God help me please, I can't do this much longer without losing everything I am.
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