March 26, 2016
There is no happy medium between a parent and a teenage boy I am figuring out. A relationship that lately feels like love me or hate me and no matter what I try, our disagreements turn into arguments into blow ups. Buttons get pushed and sometimes, like today, shit gets "accidentally" kicked my way which then ends up hitting me and I freak out because it reminds me of my husband throwing shit at me.
So I stormed off to my safe place after Jim had to step in and remind us both that he was trying to sleep as he works tonight. I am tired of giving in to teenage demands and getting resistance when I ask for things to be done like cleaning up his room or doing his laundry or doing his homework. These things go undone but when I say "No" to being asked if I will drive him to Post Falls for the weekend so he can hang out with friends, I am being unfair and all hell breaks loose. He will push me until I either give in and take him or I have an episode whichever comes first. There is no winning in it for me because either way I am forced to give in in some way, and if it escalates to an episode that is unfair for me.
I don't know how to be a better or more effective parent right now, i don't even know how to be better for myself and fighting both is exhausting for me. It makes me want to give up and just lock myself in my safe place forever and stop talking to or answering anyone. I don't want to keep fighting with my child but I won't be a pushover anymore either so I need to find a way to deal with the conflicts or it is going to shut me down or make me really fucking lose it. I am angry, hurt, upset, scared, and disappointed right now. Some days, I don't want to be the parent because it is too hard.
Chelle, I can certainly understand how you feel. Believe it or not most if not all parents are ready at one time or another to give up, tear their hair out, maybe even sell their child to the gypsies! I certainly felt that way at times with two teenage girls. Remember we choose how we feel about situations we are in. There is not a rule that says we have to feel a certain way when XYZ occurs with anyone we know. There may not be a "happy medium" as you are parenting. It usually does not work to have a relationship of friendship with our kids. I elevates them to our level and erodes our ability to effectively parent. The bigger context is recognizing that it is in our kid's job description to rebel against their parents. We can interpret that rebellion in a number of ways. We can say to ourselves that we have very intrinsic value either as a parent or person and that is why our teen is rebelling. Or, another, and healthier way of interpreting our teen's behavior is that, to the extent they are rebelling, they are begging for boundaries that define the structure of their experience that helps them to feel safe. Even if they tells, in fits of immature anger, Mom or Dad, I hate you, they don't. What they are really saying is Mom or Dad, I'm feeling a little out of control and I am going to act out so that I can be sure of the safety of the boundaries you have set up. If our teen says we are being unfair that does not make it so. It is looking at the context as opposed to looking at the content. To the extent we are reactive to content is, generally, the extent to which we let our teen control the situation, and, in effect, parent him or herself. There is a way to "win" in this situation for both of you and I am looking forward to talking with you about that in more detail when you come in. Parenting a teen is not easy. Parenting any age child is not easy. I get that. Been there. Done that. Have the battered teeshirt. I have a number of tools of parenting that I think will be of assistance to you. I'm missing you today and I am hoping you are OK. I have worked on bits and pieces of this post for 3 days now but my thoughts have been with you. Please take good care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteWe're going to turn Grrr into Purrrrr!
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