"Concussion"

March 10, 2016

Tonight we sat down and watched the movie "Concussion", and I am so glad that we did thanks to Jacks recommendation. It painted a very clear picture of the dangerous effects of repeated head blows primarily in NFL players, but not exclusively to them alone. 

Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE) is a progressive degenerative disease of the brain found in athletes (and others) with a history of repetitive brain trauma, including symptomatic concussions as well as asymptomatic subconcussive hits to the head. This trauma triggers progressive degeneration of the brain tissue, including the build-up of an abnormal protein called tau.  These changes in the brain can begin months, years, or even decades after the last brain trauma or end of active athletic involvement.  The brain degeneration is associated with memory loss, confusion, impaired judgment, impulse control problems, aggression, depression, and, eventually, progressive dementia.

They have created four stages of CTE to describe the process of damage to brain tissue. 

• Stage I. Headache, loss of attention and concentration
• Stage II. Depression, explosivity and short-term memory loss
• Stage III. Decision-making (executive) dysfunction and cognitive impairment
• Stage IV. Dementia, word-finding difficulty and aggression

I can relate to the symptoms of Stage II CTE in my every day life and can see parts of Stage III that I could be affected by. By watching the movie, it gave me a better understanding of why I am experiencing certain behaviors and makes me feel somewhat more at ease knowing that there are others out there who have felt the same things. One of the most difficult emotions for me to explain or give reason for is Anger and rage. Sudden outbursts of anger can turn into a fit of rage in a second, with no notice or inclination as to when or where it comes from. But once that threshold has been crossed it is near impossible to just snap out of it and can take over every other emotion I am feeling. 

Since seeing Jack Tuesday I have been lost in a fog of some sorts, having no idea of what day it is or how much time has been passing by. I have been extremely emotional, very weepy, upset, feelings of defeat and hopelessness have filled my heart and I have felt like things would be better for Jim and Jacob if I just left. I don't know where this irrational thinking comes from, but it is there. I spent an average of 5 hours in my safe place each day and earlier tonight I found myself wandering around the house constantly feeling as if I was looking for something I had misplaced or was misplaced myself. Certain things were not where I thought I had left them, several times I had to stop and think about why I was doing something because I couldn't remember that I was attempting to do anything to begin with. 

My cheeks have been flooded with tears for two days but I couldn't explain what for. This innate sadness has consumed my spirit and I am literally on the brink of emotional exhaustion right now. My train of thought is scattered and choppy, almost manic at times and it is more than bothersome. At least I have tomorrow to look forward to in seeing Jack and Jacob is coming with me!! This is a bright spot to these last few days.....until tomorrow, goodnight.