March 09, 2016
Last night was a sleepless one, I tried but failed and here it is quarter to 8 and my mind has raced all night. So many things going through it, like a movie of my life the scenes repeat over and over and the questions remain unanswered. So much of me wants to crawl in bed next to Jim and snuggle up to him, but I know if I do then I will break and fall apart and I can't do that right now. I have this innate sense of emptiness and loneliness that is consuming me, even when I know the people who love and care for me are always with me.
I am self destructive and uncaring when it comes to myself and what I deserve out of life. For so many years Jake pounded it into my head how worthless and wasteful I was as a person. I heard how I was a whore who could do no right, who no man would want or need and certainly not a woman a man would ever love again. The first time in my life that I find someone who does love and want me, I cannot accept it as true because I hear Jake's words everyday telling me it isn't real. How do I stop his words and replace them with my own? Why do I feel like I have to sabotage my love with Jim when things get too real for me? Real is scary for me, I don't know why. I can give others advice all day long, see where they are in a situation and find the words to help them heal. But I cannot do that for myself, and I don't know where to begin either.
Being this depressed is depressing lol There is no definitive line between reality and the unknown, days blur together as does time. I want to do nothing yet find myself trying to do everything all at once. My mind is in a constant state of confusion and frenzy and the more I try to make it stop the worse it becomes. This is the absolute lowest I have ever felt in my life I believe, and I cannot imagine how or why I have ended up in the place that I feel is killing me inside. I want to be better, to feel better but it doesn't come and I don't know where to find any more hope inside me that I can dig deep from. I want to know where exactly I went to if I am no longer me. How does someone just disappear from the inside but yet the outer self still remains?
I hate being this lost and confused, it scares me to no end and I am angry beyond angry at where I am as a person without knowing where the hell I am going. No matter what I am still hopeful that there is a plan for me and my life and that Jack is the one who can help me get to where I want to be. There is nothing good about feeling like I have disappointed and let down the people in my life who matter to me, Jack being one of them.
Last night was a sleepless one, I tried but failed and here it is quarter to 8 and my mind has raced all night. So many things going through it, like a movie of my life the scenes repeat over and over and the questions remain unanswered. So much of me wants to crawl in bed next to Jim and snuggle up to him, but I know if I do then I will break and fall apart and I can't do that right now. I have this innate sense of emptiness and loneliness that is consuming me, even when I know the people who love and care for me are always with me.
I am self destructive and uncaring when it comes to myself and what I deserve out of life. For so many years Jake pounded it into my head how worthless and wasteful I was as a person. I heard how I was a whore who could do no right, who no man would want or need and certainly not a woman a man would ever love again. The first time in my life that I find someone who does love and want me, I cannot accept it as true because I hear Jake's words everyday telling me it isn't real. How do I stop his words and replace them with my own? Why do I feel like I have to sabotage my love with Jim when things get too real for me? Real is scary for me, I don't know why. I can give others advice all day long, see where they are in a situation and find the words to help them heal. But I cannot do that for myself, and I don't know where to begin either.
Being this depressed is depressing lol There is no definitive line between reality and the unknown, days blur together as does time. I want to do nothing yet find myself trying to do everything all at once. My mind is in a constant state of confusion and frenzy and the more I try to make it stop the worse it becomes. This is the absolute lowest I have ever felt in my life I believe, and I cannot imagine how or why I have ended up in the place that I feel is killing me inside. I want to be better, to feel better but it doesn't come and I don't know where to find any more hope inside me that I can dig deep from. I want to know where exactly I went to if I am no longer me. How does someone just disappear from the inside but yet the outer self still remains?
I hate being this lost and confused, it scares me to no end and I am angry beyond angry at where I am as a person without knowing where the hell I am going. No matter what I am still hopeful that there is a plan for me and my life and that Jack is the one who can help me get to where I want to be. There is nothing good about feeling like I have disappointed and let down the people in my life who matter to me, Jack being one of them.
As always I am humbled by my involvement in your journey. We do have a plan, Chelle. We are a team in this process. You are right on track with where you are and what you are doing. We have finished phases I, II, and III EMDR. We put one foot in front of the other. You can never disappoint me or let me down, Chelle. You are special and I am privileged to be your therapist.
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