March 21, 2016
Finding the right words to say how I am feeling is getting harder and more difficult each day. I am at a constant state of frustration lately, the mind blanks are becoming more frequent and I am feeling very crowded within my own self. I have spent the past week or so trying to enjoy my life with Jim and Jacob, getting up and ready everyday, spending hours outside doing yard clean up, limiting my "safe time" to only 1-3 hours a day which has limited the amount of time I can spend working on my blog. I took time to answer my phone on Saturday night when my new neighbor called asking to borrow milk. I went against my safety and ventured across the street to where he was waiting for me at the end of his driveway. We made small chit chat but it was awkward like it usually is when we see one another. Then, out of nowhere this surge of emotional energy shot through me and I broke out in tears right there in front of my neighbor.
I immediately felt shameful and angry for letting my emotions control me and for having an outpouring of tears stream down in front of my neighbor with no explanation to give him. And instead of doing what was expected, he surprised me and made me feel human in that moment. He started talking to me about traumatic brain injuries and how they completely change your life and the way people treat you. He himself had a pretty severe motorcycle accident just two years ago and the more we spoke it became very clear that him and I shared alot in common. He extended the offer to talk more again and let me know that I wasn't alone in what I was going through because he struggled too and understood the pain and stigma that can come with having something nobody can physically see wrong with you.
For a few hours, I felt better and I tried to ignore the craziness in my mind as long as I could but eventually it prevailed. The conclusion of this battle ended with these thoughts. please keep in mind that all of these things are simply thoughts I am having, they bear no literal translation and are not leading up to any actions on my part. Just my train of thought for the moment that I wanted to get down on paper.
Each day that we are here, we are fighting to be alive in some way aren't we? We all know and face the same inevitable fate, that none of us will live forever so we are essentially living so that we can die. We fight to take one step closer to our demise, fight to wake up and be one day older than yesterday, some of us fight to be here one more happy day and some of us fight to be here one more miserable moment. I am fighting to live for one more day of being lost, confused, frustrated, angry, afraid, disorientated.....I fight to get through one more day so that I might forget it like I am forgetting everything else, I am purposefully prolonging the pain I am in by forcing myself to stay one more day in the prison that my mind is becoming. Where is the life in any of that fight?? I want to understand and know what my purpose or direction is supposed to be after all of this.
I cannot accept that this is all that my life has to give to me. I didn't spend 17 years working my way up the Corporate ladder in a man's world and make it to the top just slide down the slick ass rungs I used to climb my ass up with. Everything up until now is a faded picture in my mind and I cannot tell the difference between what memories are of mine and which ones might be of someone elses life. I want to feel who I am, no matter how lost and scared I may be. I want to be able to feel by body without looking at it because I am so numb from the pain inside me.
I want to walk past the mirrors that hang in my house without being startled because who I see looking back looks like someone other than me. It's like having a stranger move in to your place and getting cozied in, at first taking over little amounts of space that you may not really notice until it becomes unbearable that this stranger has violated the space within you and has pushed you out of place. Right now this is where I am sitting, with my place pushed out from the stranger inside of me.....wondering what comes next and how am I ever going to be ok again after this.
Can't wait to see Jack tomorrow, he seems to understand exactly what I feel because (he has a trainer in field). * ( I decided to leave the parts in here where my brain did its own speaking because this happens several times a day though I have no idea what it means or why.
Chelle, In many ways we are what we focus on. I hear and empathize with your experience of the inner you. Coexisting with the confused, disoriented self is the self that is curious; the self who wants to heal, the self who has reduced the time you spend in your safe place from upwards of 8 hours per day to 1 to 3 hours per day. There is the you that is compassionate to Vets and has the plan to capture their stories. Another perspective and possible tool to use is that, when you feel an episode coming on, immediately refocus on your Vet project. Get by yourself and reground by refocusing. Remember, CBT is; if you change the way you think you can change the way you feel. If you change the way you think and feel, you can change the way you act. Experiment with refocusing. Also, please have that conversation with both Jim and Jacob about disconnecting whenever you feel triggered. You take very good care of yourself and I look forward to seeing Jacob on Thursday!
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