Session #1

  Monday February 1, 2016

 [ ANXIETY LEVEL PRIOR TO SCAN: 1 ] 
 [ ANXIETY LEVEL DURING SCAN     5 ]
 [ ANXIETY LEVEL AFTER SCAN       10]

~Everything about today felt right, like I was meant to meet JS, his beautiful dog Freja and his amazing staff to help me in this next stage of my journey to wellness. Can you imagine walking into an office for only a second time and having the most warm, welcome and inviting entrance where you felt like it was home? I felt no hesitation whatsoever about wanting to do my first brain scan to see where it stands after all of the trauma in years past, and I was more convinced and reassured that I was in the right place with the right people. After arriving for my 4:00 appointment a few minutes early, I sat and sipped my coffee in front of the fireplace in the waiting room, eager to get started so that I could finally see what my damaged and messed up mind would like. 

I got the pleasure of working with J, who conducted the brain scan so as get an initial reading of my brain waves and activity. S, an intern, sat in on the session with my permission. J was very accommodating and did a great job at making sure I was comfortable during the process. My head was first measured then fitted with a tight cap with 19 holes that are connected to the computer so it can read your brain activity and each hole is filled with a salt gel to ensure a better conductivity during the scan. I felt nervousness creeping in over my excitement while J was making sure the connections were secure and that they were getting a good read. She was great at making small talk that prompted laughter from me, it wasn't scary or physically painful but quickly turned into something emotionally uncomfortable for me as we talked about my past and my reasons for seeking out their help. This I had not expected to be talking about so it caught me off guard unexpectedly which is almost never a good thing for me. 

This made it extremely hard to relax myself and my mind which is what they needed me to do during the scan. It was difficult to remain still and relaxed for the 5 minutes of keeping my eyes open while they monitored my brain waves. We had to restart the scan because she was concerned with some of the numbers that were coming through. I couldn't tell you what those numbers were or how they were interpreted, i only know that the feeling changed rather abruptly and became one of a serious nature. Even still, I admire J for trying to make me feel at ease and like everything about my brain was normal and just fine. I am sure that it put her on the spot when I asked her if my brain was normal and was I ok? because she could only say "well, it's in there and normal is overrated anyways" :)

She told me that my results would be looked over and that they would take all of the data along with my assessments to come up with the best plan of action on how to change my brain to reflect the me that has been tucked away under all of the trauma. She promised that it wouldn't change me but rather move the things around in my brain that were displaced. I was grateful for her ability to let me have my dignity in the moment that i broke down crying, i think she knew that i was feeling the energy in the room and that I felt like maybe my brain was more of a fucked up mess than I had realized. She must be that good at what she does or maybe it comes natural to her because I almost never allow myself to show that emotion to anyone, but when I did I did not feel ashamed or embarrassed in any way, I have not known that feeling very often in my life and hope that she knows how grateful that makes me. 

I won't know for certain what secrets that scan is holding from me until I meet with JS tomorrow morning at 11. My anxiety level is through the roof because my mind does not know how to leave something like this unanswered and incomplete. My wish would have been to have a small explanation as to what she saw in my scan so that I didn't have to freak myself out until I see JS, with crazy ideas swimming around in my head about what is wrong with me. I could be dead wrong about the scan showing anything dysfunctional or out of place, I could be over reacting and completely allowing myself to be a ridiculous hypochondriac, setting myself up for an embarrassing reality check when they tell me nothing is wrong at all.  Or I could be right because I emphatically trust my gut at all times and it has never proven me wrong yet. 

I am going to do my best to leave well enough alone until tomorrow and wait for the results when I can ask questions and find out what the consensus is. It has now been 3 hours since the scan and my anxiety level is still at an 8 but I refuse to get discouraged just yet and will work through it the best that I can. I am still very hopeful that this journey is the best thing for me and for my well being and I am not willing to give up any part of it for any reason. My spirit and mind are far too important to let fear take away this opportunity to change things for the better.

 ~ you can't I CAN, you won't I WILL ~