The birth of "Jappy"

Circa 1980 - Age 3

Some serious self reflection has been going on for me since I met with JS earlier today. So many thoughts going through my mind about this new chapter in my life, yet I am reminded of just how distant my memories are anymore when I tried to recall my early childhood. I dug back through time in old photographs and childhood tokens of who I once was, and was fascinated at the realization that I no longer see myself in any of them. Nor can I find an attachment within that feels a slight connection to the girl in these photos staring back at me. I know that it is me because that is what the back of the photo says, but that too could be a lie and one would not truly know any different would they?

Somewhere out of the strengths of one little girl came the part of me that was able to survive by dissociating from the trauma later on in my life. The part of me who is childlike in nature and is innocently naive to the horrors of people and their behaviors. She is the part of me that I can depend on to be fun and carefree when things get too serious and she is the part of me that  Jim and myself have came to know as "Jappy".  She is only spoken of in the privacy of our own home. She does not want to be known from outsiders and only surfaces in the presence of Jim, her savior and best friend until now. Today I told an outsider about her but reassured her that it would be up to her to decide if she wants to surface in the future and that if she didn't feel up to it, that would be ok too. 

For the sake of being transparent in my treatment I choose to share that she exists in me because there is no successful treatment if I cannot trust enough to bare the parts of me that hide from the world. I want to be fully open and able to focus on what is going to get me to each new level and not subconsciously feel worried or ashamed that I am not a "normal" emotionally functioning being.  None of us are, humans are a complex and delicate breed when it comes to being ruled by emotions and feelings. Yet you rarely hear someone rationalize their reasons why they are ok taking advantage of anothers sensitive state of mind but not ok when others are doing it to them. This is part of what makes my mind crazy and not able to make sense of society's  "do as I say, not as I do" attitude. If you would be negatively affected by the action you are about to commit against someone, STOP AND DON'T FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THE ACTION! 

Because all of the times you have chosen to act without thinking of the effect it would have on another human being, are part of the reason that Jappy had to exist so that I could survive. World.....I introduce to you Jappy, Jappy.......meet the world. 

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