Paper Time Machines

 Paper Time Machines

Handwritten collections composed

or addressed are much more than

just scriptures or thoughts,

Scribbles and notes of scattered

ideas, memoirs of battles

been fought

Paper that's folded and perfectly

creased holding onto the

secrets of many,

A vessel for words one might like

to say whether seldom

and few or of plenty

Reminders of moments we would

like to relive, and of those one

might wish to forget

Stories unfold like scenes of a film,

your imagination to be as

wild as you'll let

A forgotten first love and the way

that you felt, you swore it was

together forever

Whirlwind affairs and stories of

lust and of things that you

swore you would never

Reminiscent hysterics of yesterdays

gone, evoking the same

fits of laughter

An echo of sorts to a time we

once were, a replication of

happily ever after

Pages with faded crayons and

smiles, a few misspelled

words never mattered

A mother's reunion any time feels

lonely, now that her small

family is scattered

Timeless encounters of those who

have passed, each letter can

bring them to life

Bring a grown man to tears while he

falls to his knees as he reads

the last words of his wife

One man's hello and another's

goodbye, a dear Jon that

still holds it's pain

Each stain like a scar, each stain

a reminder catching tears as

though they were rain

Cherish each note, letter and

card each one is a key

that unlocks

A timeline of sorts, a preservation

of life, paper time machines

kept in a box

My Kintsugi

 My Kintsugi

Scars that mark my body from the wars that I have won,

Receipts from every battle without bullets or a gun

Wounds no longer open, getting stronger as they healed,

Remnants of the way I used my body as a shield

Crevices and cracks I once thought showed me to be weak,

The physical manifestation of what happens when you don't speak

With age and time comes wisdom and a better sense of self

An understanding that my body is the bank of my life's wealth

FEELS SO GOOD THAT IT HURTS

AUGUST 16 2017

NOBODY EVER TOLD ME THAT FEELING SO GOOD WOULD HURT THIS BADLY, THAT ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL AGAIN CAN BE AS PAINFUL AS IT HAPPY. FOR SO LONG I WAS NOWHERE, FLOATING AROUND IN A SEA OF BLACKNESS AWAY FROM THE WORLD, THE ONLY SOUND I HEARD WERE MY OWN SCREAMS. NO LIGHT, NO AIR, NO HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WOULD BREATH AGAIN. SOMETIMES I FIND MYSELF WONDERING HOW I EVER EXISTED IN THAT PLACE BUT STILL REMAINED HERE, IT INTRIGUES ME TO THINK ABOUT HOW POWERFUL THE MIND MUST BE TO ALLOW A DUAL EXISTENCE THAT WAY. 

IN ONLY A YEAR AND A HALF I HAVE DONE WHAT I SAID TO MYSELF WAS IMPOSSIBLE AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO START LIVING AGAIN. THERE ARE MORE GOOD DAYS THAN BAD ONES NOW AND I DONT THINK OF KILLING MYSELF EVERY HOUR OF EVERY DAY BUT SOME DAYS MY HEART HURTS MORE NOW THAN IT EVER DID. WHEN I STOP AND THINK OF THE ROAD THAT BROUGHT ME HERE I WONDER HOW I EVER MADE IT AT ALL. BUT I DID AND HERE I AM, THE SAME ME BUT DIFFERENT. LEARNING MORE ABOUT MYSELF MORE EVERY DAY, NO LONGER SEEING A STRANGER IN THE MIRROR BUT STILL AFRAID OF THAT REFLECTION STARING BACK. MORE SENSITIVE TO FEELINGS THAN BEFORE I OFTEN FIND MYSELF BEING OVERLY AFFECTED BY EMOTIONS AND WHILE I AM GRATEFUL TO FEEL AGAIN, I SOMETIMES RESENT THE INTENSITY OF WHAT I AM FEELING.